Today is a bad day; Depression comes over you sometimes in a much bigger wave than the days before. I'm having real trouble and I need to tell someone, at last this way I don't have to see you or listen to those same reassuring words.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life - this is something I think we all have to deal with, I know; today it overwhelms me. I've tried to lift my mood; exercising to a video was ok and I was proud to have done it, with a little energy to spare this time - improvement. I tried Mindfulness and other techniques to 'live in the moment', but instead of this, I feel angry at me. I'm not worth anything. School is obviously back today - again I feel both why am I not able to study or go to work/teach.
I make myself mad. I have a good life and a fantastic husband who I could not love more, but surprise myself by finding that I do, regularly.
The Allotment is waiting for me and I, for it. I have been trying to think about it and all the things we did over the weekend, which I would ideally be sharing with you, but my mind twists it all. The good memories are stolen heartlessly by time and lack of sleep. My mind shows me instead, a mess - everything destroyed and everyone laughing at me down there.
I have no one to talk to or more realistically, I don't feel I could talk to anyone about how I am; writing has always been my outlet. This blog is not about mental health - or lack thereof, but it is about our Allotment and ultimatley, me. You are reading me in all my shades, my growth - I suppose.