Monday, 1 September 2008

September blues - Reality vs what's in my Head?

Today is a bad day; Depression comes over you sometimes in a much bigger wave than the days before. I'm having real trouble and I need to tell someone, at last this way I don't have to see you or listen to those same reassuring words.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life - this is something I think we all have to deal with, I know; today it overwhelms me. I've tried to lift my mood; exercising to a video was ok and I was proud to have done it, with a little energy to spare this time - improvement. I tried Mindfulness and other techniques to 'live in the moment', but instead of this, I feel angry at me. I'm not worth anything. School is obviously back today - again I feel both why am I not able to study or go to work/teach.

I make myself mad. I have a good life and a fantastic husband who I could not love more, but surprise myself by finding that I do, regularly.

The Allotment is waiting for me and I, for it. I have been trying to think about it and all the things we did over the weekend, which I would ideally be sharing with you, but my mind twists it all. The good memories are stolen heartlessly by time and lack of sleep. My mind shows me instead, a mess - everything destroyed and everyone laughing at me down there.

I have no one to talk to or more realistically, I don't feel I could talk to anyone about how I am; writing has always been my outlet. This blog is not about mental health - or lack thereof, but it is about our Allotment and ultimatley, me. You are reading me in all my shades, my growth - I suppose.

2 comments:

  1. Dear Tommy,
    Remember you're not alone. Some of us will recognize your feelings of fear, despare and the feeling of losing your sanity. So good of you to write this blog. Your words will move people, as you did me!
    Mo.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mamamo,
    Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so grateful for the outlet that this has become; I feel better talking about my feelings and knowing there are people who understand. I'm sorry I didn't see your message sooner.

    ReplyDelete

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