Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Nothing else matters

Every now and then, when you aren't looking for it, you hear a piece of wisdom that not only makes sense but eases the soul and gives one hope. After sharing a little of how I am feeling these days I have felt rather fragile, somehow exposed but at the same time a wee bit proud of myself. Yep, I have a menagerie of all the emotions swirling around in my head; 'all the feels', as the cool kids say.

Last night I finally got to see the film The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and though exhausted and depressed I did like it and found it slightly uplifting.

In the film Dame Judy Dench's character writes a blog, which naturally caught my attention. How appropriate then that when she was writing at one point and I was interested in her personal thoughts she said this..

Evelyn: The only real failure is the failure to try. And the measure of success is how we cope with disappointment. As we always must. [...] We get up every morning, we do our best. Nothing else matters.

To be honest, to hear it in reference to others I utterly believe the sentiment and I guess that means I'm not a complete failure either, like I view myself. I'm a fighter, I get up everyday and I do my best and well it just felt good to hear that.

I just thought I'd share it, for all those who think life isn't going their way, that each venture so far hasn't turned out how they hoped - you aren't failing at this adventure called life, as long as you keep going and simply do your best.

With much love

Sunday, 22 February 2015

A glimpse into chronic Depression

The beautiful blue sky contrasts so well with the dense darkness inside me. The wind blowing and refreshing everyone out there is just a little mocking as I lie here still in my PJs on the sofa with a blanket over my head. I can't face the world, there is too much shame and frustration in this broken soul of mine. I hide.

Once I was intelligent and fun, interested in the world. Today I am finding it difficult to think past the humming I hear in my head and the utter confusion. I don't even want to talk out loud; it takes such effort and sounds strange.

Depression is tearing my life apart these days and not even the sweet snowdrops fill my heart with hope. Two stunning bunches of tulips are in the hall, usually my heralds of spring and hope but I can't look to the future, no not even an hour ahead, it fills me with such utter emptiness. I can't cope with these feelings of purpose-less, of always fighting, hoping one day I'll feel my life has actually started.

Imagine a day where the sun shines and you just can't get your act together to go outside. The thought of washing and/or dressing is just insurmountable, plus you couldn't bare anyone to see you.. you're only best inside hiding, not embarrassing yourself or others. Just you and these terrible thoughts and feelings that no one can fix or make sense of...

snowdrops at Springhill ~ '

If you've even gotten through to this point, I've turned off comments on this post. I'm actually a little embarrassed to share such utter weakness but I really needed to be cathartic today 

Carrie xx

Monday, 16 February 2015

Ecotherapy for Valentine's Day

We don't fall for the highly commercialised Valentine's Day trappings anymore. We used too, we used to love it but this was our 17th one together and so no cards, extortionately over priced roses/gifts or super fancy dinners for us.

No, we decided to engage with each other and share the day in the beauty of nature. Holding hands and walking around Tollymore Forest with Maggie was, for us, the greatest way to say I love you.

We took our favourite trail, the red one which allows us to be around trees and the river both, oh the feeling of walking and listening to the rush of the water and the songbirds is heavenly. At the start of the trail to can see some of the remains of the old domain, beautiful walls and bridges, plaster work etc.
Tollymore 1 ~ ''

There isn't a great deal of colour about in Feburary but it made it extra beautiful when we did come across some berries or the last of the still on tree leaf out of a long period of brown and green.....
Tollymore 2 ~ ''

These are one of two sets of stepping stones across the calmer parts of the river. Goodness I remember being so nervous as a child going across these, they are quite wide apart (it was good to hear other children laughing and screaming trying it themselves).

Right by the river there is also an magical building called the Hermitage, it can be walked through on one side but the real joy is seeing it from the other side of the river...
Tollymore 3 ~ ''
This is a true treasure for Andrew and myself...We wouldn't dream of doing it now; carving into a poor tree, but 15yrs ago! Andrew posted a sign of our love for all to see on this huge beech tree. We searched for a good while around a large clump of trees, all of which were heavily vandalised by love but it was after only a good walk further that we saw ours, standing alone, slightly raised and not another mark on it. Gosh I wonder at all those declarations and how many ended so happily as ours. ***

love heart Tollymore ~ ''

It's tradition whenever we are at any place like this with forest, river and wooden bridge, that we play Poohsticks (you know, from the A.A.Milne 'Winne the Pooh' books). Andrew has this knack for winning and as usual he did so again - look at that winner's smile :)
Pooh Sticks Tollymore ~ ''

The trail then heads upwards into the hills, the trees so dense in places it's black in amongst them. I love the mixture here of huge pines and deciduous trees with all the bracken and some primroses yet to flourish again. The air up here is cold and catches in your throat but it is oh so clear and all one can hear is the crunch beneath one's feet and the quiet rumbling of the river, now left below. Look hard up in the hills - snow! I know it's not much but that is pretty much an Irish mountain range you're looking at in the distance. lol.
Tollymore 4 ~ ''

We couldn't have timed our return to the car park any better - just in time for the sunset through the forest and the clouds clearing away for some beautiful blue sky.

Tollymore Sunset ~ ''

After this walk we were hungry and found a lovely bar/restaurant in Dundrum called The Buck's Head were we did have an impromptu but perfectly delicious Valentine's dinner, only is wasn't a set menu and the prices were fair ;)

Home to bubbles (yay) and a film.

Hugs and love to all

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

the 14b Plan :)

The wait is over! I can feel the tension, the excitement bursting forth as, yes, the plan for 14b has been drawn up and you dear reader are about to see it in all its colourful glory!

Ta dah!
awesome 14b plot plan ~

Of course the blasted weather here in Northern Ireland is keeping us out of action and we are a pair of annoyed and frustrated allotmenteers. Luckily we haven't turned to the demon drink but darn it its miserable and so cold a wee dram would be divine.

However, movement has happened in the form of shopping for plants:
1 We have just gotten better quality (but equally cheap) Sharp's Express seed potatoes.

2 We bought and planted two of the three main fruit trees for the awesome sounding edible forest garden; a Conference pear and a Regina cherry. I am holding out for a Damson as the third, fingers crossed

3 New green gooseberry bushes and redcurrants are looking lovely and healthy there just outside on the patio for now

Andrew was brave\foolish? enough to make a visit to the plots on Sunday. He got those two trees in to ground he had prepared the weekend before last, but apart from that all he could do was mulch, cover beds and come home almost completely frozen.

As for me personally, well I'm still very poorly after my breakdown but I a stubborn girl and will keep fighting (even if that means, paradoxically, forcing myself to do nothing). At least, and in a way thank goodness, the weather is bad as I couldn't go to the Lottie anyway! Instead I am reading a lot, watching movies and listening to Maggie snore.

Until next time my lovelies