Violins of autumn

I need to talk, the words have been bubbling up in my throat straight from my heart for the last week or so. I need to speak out in order to take power away from my depression. It has been winning, it has taken me by such surprise, such as when you walk up the stairs, think there is one more to come and fall through the air and your heart sinks. I haven't been able to read or write, barely walk or talk for depression has destroyed me. 

Many days on the sofa in my pj's, forgetting to eat or drink, unable to wash or care about anything - this has been the reason I have been absent from the blogging world. Absent from life.

As Friday night draws closer I feel evermore like rotten fruit felt to disintegrate in a mouldy heap. The weekend is coming and I could see it in hell; I just want to be alone, unseen. Resting, a drugged sleep if need be, until I feel half myself again. 

THOUGH HOPE REMAINS..

I did taste a reprieve on Wednesday evening; I thought I'd turned a corner with the help of a wonderful harvest to process - I sang silly songs and worked with Andrew making apple and stem ginger compote and damson fruit leather. It was wonderful. But all the more painful for having been ripped away from me the next morning.

I have fun things to share and lots of photos from weeks past but for now, please hold me in your thoughts a moment and spare a little love for one who feels so empty. 

Though I know I am blessed beyond measure by having Andrew by my side and

STILL WILL I RISE!

Hugs

Carrie x

Echlinville Apple Harvest

Today's post is brought to you with the assistance of a damned good nights sleep, coffee and the sweet, sweet joy of having just finished cutting Toby's hair. He didn't enjoy the experience but then neither did I; though he feels great now, a whole lot lighter and after my shower, I do too. So everything has balanced out I think...apart from the fact that I had to do all the cleaning up and he went to bed.

Before and After (arrghh those eyebrows!)

It was my first shower in some days... I know what you're thinking - "ewwww, she's gross!" - I have been super ill and too depressed, too wobbly on my feet and too tired to shower. If you have experienced poor mental health you'll understand.  In fact I'm going to add links in this post and at the side of this blog to two fabulous websites I recently found that are helping me feel supported in my fight - you might like them too, you know who you are xxx

The Blurt Foundation ~ https://www.blurtitout.org/

The Mighty ~ https://themighty.com/

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So, anyway let's celebrate the apple harvest! Hurrah! On Saturday I was the lucky one to gather up the bounty from our 2 espaliered Echinville trees, tied into each side of the archway at the back of the plot. The birds had gotten through about half of them now and I couldn't stand it anymore. Plus, though we had been told that they are ripe in September; it seems that August is more correct.

Remember these are historic Northern Irish trees, click here for the story :) 

Here's the haul we took home and the very bad ones that went into the compost. I also left about half a dozen on the ground for all the wasps and insects that were feasting on them.

Now we are slowly processing them and freezing batches. So far we have used 20 apples and made two big freezer bags of porridge topping/ apple pie filling. Just by stewing the apples and adding mixed fruit and brown sugar (to taste). Easy and so delicious!

PLUS today is the 9th anniversary of this very blog - hurrah!

Thank you to everyone who reads and especially those commentators and 'likers'. I never did intend for this to be public, but back then I had no idea what I was doing, haha. It's been one of the best decisions (if you can call it that) that I've made, though I still don't know about the title....

Big love
Carrie
xx

900th blog post

I'm starting to feel stronger, just a little and I know it's fragile but (and maybe this is the wine talking) I want to enjoy the small victories.

In with that in mind - it's my 900th blog post and that ROCKS for someone who battles each and every day to get up and even brush her teeth, never mind get dressed, or ever put make up on. I fight with myself and I think that so far, with help, I am winning - I'm still here and I'm not self harming 😇.

So I am going to allow a moment of celebrating myself - I have put up the WEGO health awards endorsement badge, they made me one, so... If you can be bothered, you can vote for me as a new comer to the patient helper category..... *wink wink*

This is just a quick hello, a reminder to you and myself that I WILL keep fighting and I WILL do what's right for me and not be ashamed that I don't live up to others' or my own true expectations.

Best wishes and love, hopefully I will soon share some awesome photos of my recent Ecotherapy experiences...

Carrie
x

What's going on?

It's like that feeling most often attributed to Mondays and getting back to work. The sudden increase in heaviness and utter exhaustion hits and simply moving seems a Herculean task. I'm home from my holidays over 9 days ago and still.. I simply can't.

I can't stop sleeping all the time; fearing the housework that is being neglected; worrying that the dog needs more playtime from me. I can't stop feeling so empty and depressed, uninterested in life and just wishing I could hide until it's all over.

Plus, the world has become a scary, unstable place to match that which is in my head. My mental health has had a referendum and decided to truly co-ordinate and gang up against - trample any good thought or feeling I may hope to have. It's a nightmare of depression, anxiety, panic attacks and utter confusion all day, everyday.

Sorry friends. I have stories and many glorious scenes to share with you from our wee trip to Tenerife. Toby is delightful and I must update you. Plus the snowdrops are still coming out and though no hope has been felt in their white flowers this time (and the fact that the patch is spreading), there are many things planned for this spring that I ought to be excited about.

I'm still here, still fighting and will write soon.

It's going to be OK, right?
C x

Coming and Going

It was yesterday I thought of them. I knew where to look of course and under a fine layer of dead bamboo leaves I found them. Sweet, fresh green harbingers of Spring. They have burst forth from the darkness and exude hope, a reminder that warmer days and longer days are coming and we can make it through this cold, dark, dank period. We always do. But for someone like me, whose brain is heavily fogged with depression and confusion and all matter of clutter, the sight of these snowdrops is a powerful annual sign that I too can make it through another winter, another period of suffocating darkness.....

This is only a part of the hidden cluster you must walk around the tea house to get a glimpse off, but the effect is so magical. I look forward to them growing taller and flowering; that almost blinding white is forming inside.

It's a times like this that a William Peter Blatty quote always comes to my mind. In the midst of reading his book - The Exorcist, there are moments of pure reassuring peace amongst the horror and evil. This is one quote that truly lifts my spirits every time I read it and hope it goes down well with you....

It is also times like this that I wonder about the allotment and what jobs might need doing. It's fun to think of all the trees and bushes over there that look so dormant but are really working hard to rise the sap and withstand the cold. Soon there shall be buds on their branches and the joyous cycle begins again.

Not a great photo - sorry.

Already the rhubarb is growing strong and we have one crown under the forcing pot for that special treat of extra sweet branches. The beds are mulched with lovely compost and manure, no seaweed this year as it's just been too blasted cold to collect any. Andrew has already done a lot of pruning. I would like to think the garlic is poking through now too, but the weather is just too poor to go and check.

This month is truly for dreaming and planning; thinking about optimising your space, noting where raised beds need fixing, timbers replacing, looking at seed catalogues and remembering what worked for you last year. Enjoy! In no time the hard work shall begin.

******

I'm off on a holiday this week to the sunshine and other-worldly beauty of North Tenerife, time to take a break from the everyday and go climb a volcano or two. I look forward to the many different plants I hope to see, the incredible black sand beaches and the blue sky. We're booked into a small place in the middle of nowhere with hiking trails all around....

Hugs
Carrie

Wabi-Sabi

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Life, I just don't 'get' it, why is it so hard, so painful, so full of angst and disappointment? There's something in me that constantly wants it to change; the struggles are too great (and as my personal troubles are in my brain, no one can truly free me from that consistent fight), and the beauty, hard to find. I need a break, I think we all do.

The allotment called to me last Saturday and I answered; longing to find answers, peace, anywhere I may find it. Andrew and Maggie were happy to have me around and I took things slow, even stopping for tea and a snack along the way.

24a - left side and right :)

wild flowers from the hedgerow and time for a break

I couldn't help but tackle some of the worst areas. Yes, you know where....14b. I spent an hour clearing big weeds, some taller than me and many stronger too. It did feel good to make a difference and now the little squashes are going to get more light and room and nutrients. They best taste good!

before and after - squash patch 14b

Sad thing is I know that the next time I go back there is much more of this battle with nature to come. It just keeps coming, I just keep ultimately losing. Oh and of course there's the anxiety and depression to continue fighting whilst I'm there. It feels like I live life as though I'm walking on paper thin tissue paper; always the fear of the fall through and the fall out.

Good things did happen. Andrew pruned the gooseberry patch and the Echlinville apples were finally tided up; the espaliered nature of them is so pleasing to the eye. I know for certain that I felt good being useful for a while. And there was no one else there, just lots of birds, some sweetly singing, many squawking.

Consulting the Dr. and getting the espaliers done right!

I got to harvest the first of our blueberries, and red gooseberries, ha! - All for us and not one for those pesky pilfering, no good birds. Years, it's been years since we had any but the fruit cage has worked wonders and it's almost too much, haha.
Anxiety did take over, naturally. Strong feelings of paranoia and of just shear embarrassment at being me and outside of the house. That saw me going home but Andrew soldiered on :)

**************

I don't know where I am in this world, a seed poorly nurtured, grown up deficient in what it needed and now, an imperfect plant with so many problems that if you had me in your garden or plot, you'd have no hesitation in ripping me out.
Thank goodness Andrew sees through that, maybe he loves the challenge of growing and helping me, maybe he sees beauty in the ugly. I'm just so thankful for him (and the delicious harvests). xx

Yours
Carrie x

When you're going through hell

...keep going!

April the 4th was the last time I had anything to do with the allotment. I haven't even been in the vicinity of the place and I didn't plant one single seed this year, not one. I barely even think about the plots and don't feel guilty about it either.

I was given a new extra medication to try in March of this year and by the middle of April I was ready for the hills; it simply didn't agree with me and conversely, all that it was meant to help with, it made a lot worse.
Self harm has become a 'normal' everyday desire and suicide often seems the logical solution to my pain. In short, times have been epically bad, we're talking on a biblical scale and Andrew and I have just barely pulled through.

Now there's a little green light at the end of that monstrously long tunnel of despair. I'm starting to catch glimpses of it, at long last, though they are few and far between.

The last couple of days here in glorious Carrickfergus have been sunshine-y and though it doesn't fill me with glee I am pleased to see the healthy plants in the garden (bar the absolutely dead Acer) and interested in the first wisteria buds on the vine.

I know Andrew will get my bum to that allotment soon and with hope I will be able to return to blogging and connecting with you, my gardening friends.

Wishing you all the very best
Carrie

April, tea breaks and garlic planting

April was crept up on me from no where! I'm in shock. It's probably not helpful that I forgot to get us a nice new house calendar at the start of the year - I'm constantly lost. Okay, I do know April comes after March but woah, hold on a minute, I was only getting used to it being March; it just doesn't feel April-y to me, not so much the 'drip, drip, drop, little April showers' and more buckets of rain and hail!

Except for these utterly glorious moments of blue sky, chill air and uplifting sights of yellow daffodils :)

As a born overachiever I worked my self into the ground on Tuesday and Wednesday at the allotment. I only stop when I get really dizzy or simply can't breathe any more. It's not right and its not clever and so Andrew bought a new stove and kettle and we now can have tea/coffee breaks. I love my hubby *blush*

Also, I am trying a new additional medication and it seems to be slowly killing me, so I do have very legitimate reasons for truly not knowing my limits at the moment. Funny, I despise being ill, I am so very frustrated by the illness itself and the bloody medications and their side effects. For all my bluster and positive messages about Ecotherapy and such, I just want to sleep, I'm tired fighting.

so shiny :)

Tuesday saw the planting of our garlic! What joy is beheld in such, the beginning of a new season, hands in the soil with a nurturing intent rather than a ripping out. Andrew had to plant out the garlic into modules this year as the ground was so terribly wet, but that was back in January and now it is a good bit better. So it was wonderful to see these healthy babies being placed in their new places of growth.

Here they are approx 6 inches apart in rows a foot apart - good luck little guys!

Planting out the garlic seedlings

Over on 14b I am still, yes still, trying to tidy up; my goodness every weed on earth seems to be deeply embedded in the ground over there! Plus I finally got rid of the torn and tattered tarpaulins and lots of empty gravel bags - goodbye blue blight! But I tell you the forest area is killing me! Though I am happy to say that I have done a lot more than the following 'after' photo shows. We shall have finished paths someday!

before and after pics of the slow but steady work on 14b

After this it rained, it poured, it was almost biblical and we could have been washed away in our shed - though we would have had tea and coffee....

And that, my darlings is you all caught up :)

We haven't been able to go over since Wednesday as Andrew has been diy-ing here at home, laying a new and beautiful wooden floor. I have been reading a lot, yoga-ing and fiendishly hoarding any and all toilet rolls for some of my fussier seeds.  Maggie has been sleeping :)

I'll have a look at the seedlings etc for next time and record how everything is going.
Hope you are all seeing the changes of the season and gaining happiness from the lighter evenings.

Hugs and love
Carrie x

Held Captive

Yesterday I had the crazy idea that maybe I could walk to the plots alone and have a look and come home. It would be about a 20 min adventure. I've done it before (a lifetime ago) so why, especially when I actually wanted to see the allotments did I not go?

looking through the peep hole at the world

I got washed and dressed, walked downstairs and came to the door. Ah, the door. For me this beautiful piece of thick painted wood, covering an opening in the wall of my home is impenetrable even with keys to the lock in my shaking hand. Before it, I shrink and like some sort of weird Alice in Wonderland plot line, I can't get to any potion that can make me bigger and stronger again.

This door is hot lava, it's a yawning crevasse, the highest and sharpest mountain. It simply towers over me and I am held captive on this side with fear. So back to the living room I go and into a book to escape real life.

I am desperate to get moving and pruning and planting and weeding and tidying and building and seeding. But I must be patient, I need someone to help me go through, get past, that door.

Love
Carrie

A rant and calming pretty pictures

Today is La Tomatina in Valencia, Spain and, as with every year, I feel my heart breaking at the wastage of all those beautiful red tomatoes in a world were we had an aphid apocalypse in our greenhouse and too many people are truly starving to death or have illnesses like scurvy.

Yep, I'm a spoil sport and I hope everyone who takes part in the festivities today gets hit - whack bang!, in the bum at least once. Damn it.

Deep breath

So I've been ill again for a while and to be honest I still am and the exhaustion accompanying it has had me sleeping whole days away. For you though, I have imbibed much coffee and here we go with a calming post of all those photos I just haven't got around to sharing; I'm also hoping that this will wake up my resolve to get the lottie and use my new Fiskers SmartFit pruners and bring some more flowers home ..... I also have a new book to review on flower arranging crafts so...

forget-me-not

mushroom

climbing french beans

Blackberry bush is covered in fruits = fingers crossed; it's us against the birds!

White Cosmos - I love them so

last handful of mangetout

white cosmos, white dahlia, yellow dahlia, pink rose, yellow poppies, red poppies

little red peppers (some have dried tomato flowers petals on them)

Right, I did it, I wrote a wee post and now the whole idea isn't so daunting! I shall be back soon with more photos (I hope to go to the plots this evening) and reviews :)

Much love
Carrie

Honestly...

My levels of anxiety are at fever pitch these days. It's pretty much continuous until I fall asleep, exhausted. I do take sedatives but they only make it slighter easier, in that I don't scream or punch things (myself included).


So the very fact that I was at the allotment at all this past week is somewhat a testament to my bloodymindedness, my grit, my moxie. I have worked every day and though my contributions may pale in the sight of Andrew's, in a way they are that much greater.

I am free and easy to write about having chronic depression and acute chronic anxiety. But did you know that if you were sitting here beside me I wouldn't be able to speak at all? If I even tried it would be so quiet, so mumbled you wouldn't hear me. On those rare days like today when I can write, I can express myself and feel like I am actually talking to someone, it feels a little less of a lonely life. But you don't see the fear in my eyes, you don't see me shaking as I type.... 

But enough, I am a fighter and you shall metaphorically 'hear' me roar this coming catch up week.....

Oh, I have stories from this Easter week, my friends! Stories of great progress made on both the two half plots (24a and 14b), that there are loads of seedlings in the greenhouse, that we have been eating produce we've grown, of Maggie's continued cuteness and the revelation that I built a bench! 

I shall write about them all with joy in my heart and I do hope you can spare a moment to share in the journey with us.

Love and hugs
Carrie

Nothing else matters

Every now and then, when you aren't looking for it, you hear a piece of wisdom that not only makes sense but eases the soul and gives one hope. After sharing a little of how I am feeling these days I have felt rather fragile, somehow exposed but at the same time a wee bit proud of myself. Yep, I have a menagerie of all the emotions swirling around in my head; 'all the feels', as the cool kids say.

Last night I finally got to see the film The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and though exhausted and depressed I did like it and found it slightly uplifting.

In the film Dame Judy Dench's character writes a blog, which naturally caught my attention. How appropriate then that when she was writing at one point and I was interested in her personal thoughts she said this..

Evelyn: The only real failure is the failure to try. And the measure of success is how we cope with disappointment. As we always must. [...] We get up every morning, we do our best. Nothing else matters.

To be honest, to hear it in reference to others I utterly believe the sentiment and I guess that means I'm not a complete failure either, like I view myself. I'm a fighter, I get up everyday and I do my best and well it just felt good to hear that.

I just thought I'd share it, for all those who think life isn't going their way, that each venture so far hasn't turned out how they hoped - you aren't failing at this adventure called life, as long as you keep going and simply do your best.

With much love
Carrie

A glimpse into chronic Depression

The beautiful blue sky contrasts so well with the dense darkness inside me. The wind blowing and refreshing everyone out there is just a little mocking as I lie here still in my PJs on the sofa with a blanket over my head. I can't face the world, there is too much shame and frustration in this broken soul of mine. I hide.

Once I was intelligent and fun, interested in the world. Today I am finding it difficult to think past the humming I hear in my head and the utter confusion. I don't even want to talk out loud; it takes such effort and sounds strange.

Depression is tearing my life apart these days and not even the sweet snowdrops fill my heart with hope. Two stunning bunches of tulips are in the hall, usually my heralds of spring and hope but I can't look to the future, no not even an hour ahead, it fills me with such utter emptiness. I can't cope with these feelings of purpose-less, of always fighting, hoping one day I'll feel my life has actually started.

Imagine a day where the sun shines and you just can't get your act together to go outside. The thought of washing and/or dressing is just insurmountable, plus you couldn't bare anyone to see you.. you're only best inside hiding, not embarrassing yourself or others. Just you and these terrible thoughts and feelings that no one can fix or make sense of...

If you've even gotten through to this point, I've turned off comments on this post. I'm actually a little embarrassed to share such utter weakness but I really needed to be cathartic today 

Carrie xx

Allotment Heartache

I lost my most favourite tree and maybe my favourite plant on the plots last week; my precious cherry tree 'Stella'. I adored it. It wasn't a great shape as Andrew had trained it into a fan but after being moved last year it was thriving, I knew it would be happy and we would get fruit this summer...

The cherry blossom image is very important to me as a sign of hope and of the fragility, the fleeting nature of life. I have one tattooed on my wrist and even called my business Cherry Blossom Tattoo (on hiatus). Just look at the abundance of blossom here...

This was the bed I attacked with such gusto that I couldn't stop until it was cleared one weekend in March. Andrew was annoyed with me as I completely burnt myself out. But as I wrote later that day I was using that clearing 'as a desperate attempt to use my negative thoughts and internal anger for a good purpose...'constructive desconstruction' is a phrase I often use, I don't know how I came up with it, but it couldn't have been more true today'.

I was trying to save that tree and give it the life it deserved and in a very literal sense (in my muddled mind) I was trying to do the same for me.

Well here she is at the bottom of the field, hacked up to bits and never to be put back together. I feel very embarrassed to say this but I sat down there and grieved a while. It was like losing a part of me and having a dream smashed into many bits. 

I guess I don't talk about things like this often, but allotmentherapy for me isn't about the rotation system of even planting seeds - it's about the wonder of watching plants grow and tending to them, protecting them and most importantly, having a connection with them. It all sounds very hippy dippy but that's me I suppose.

So here she is....missing, gone...

I am getting a new one, it must be a 'Stella' and it must live a full life where I can watch and find peace its nobbly branches, those buds and that blossom! If I'm lucky maybe in years to come it will come to fruit for me. Plus I am getting a white climber for the fruit arch - of course I ran it by Andrew but it was happening!

So for me I have to end on a note of beauty or I'll get all sad again, despite all the other glorious seedlings and plants we have and the progress made that same weekend.

I made an 'Ode to Spring' with a load of things from the hedgerow behind our shed and two glorious blossom heavy branches of my old tree....

Much love and many hugs

Carrie

x

Our little seedlings

I just don't know when to stop. Even after I wrote and hit 'publish' on my last blog post; I felt compelled to go outside and take photographs, put a load of washing on and make compote. Then in the afternoon I wrote rough drafts for the next 6 posts, and got some photos edited for them..... then 'had to read' yet ready for yoga and so......collapsed.

To be honest the rest of the day was a mystery, though I did love Forrest Gump being on. Today I have barely moved from the sofa - yay I got up out of bed though!! - and have 'just read' all day. Though my mind has been muddled and confused and I seriously look like a mad lady!

Why do I strive so vehemently when I'm obviously so ill?

Sorry. I needed to get that out, say it openly and publicly. Listen to your precious bodies and minds my friends.

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** The Gault nursery as it stood yesterday..

 Andrew's homemade cold frame - housing geraniums and broad beans at the moment

 Roses - Reine de Violettes and  Silver Jubilee
 Two Beetroot types (Chiogga) and  (Golden) Celeriac, Purple Sprouting Broccoli

 On the window sill - Sunflowers (this is 2 weeks after planting!), Zinna (Jazz)
 Tiny Rudbecki (dwarf mix), our clever light reflector ;)

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** The back garden in happy vignettes....

So much green and happy growth!

Hugs and love
Your Carrie

P.S. Almost all my Dahlias are sprouting now :) 'Golden Wonder', 'Bora Bora' and 'Pom Pom'

Something inside so strong...

...(or maybe in my case, just stubborn and foolhardy)

I was out again, yesterday, with Maggie at a much later and busy time (2pm), with workmen all about and many cars on the road. Oh and there appeared to be a startling amount of people in the car park at the allotments too. We walked up to 'that sign' and then in a haze of terror, we walked on a few 100s of metres to the community centre. My goodness I was sweating profusely and in a not ladylike manner at all! I was so terrified I barely remember coming home. I think having a good smartphone with a camera and music saved me - it distracted me.

With me it's all push, push, push! And now I am exhausted, scared and slightly scarred. I think it shall be a while before I attempt it again.

BUT ~

What a glorious day it was! Sunshine and blue skies and washing hanging outdoors. I went out into the garden (after a shower and smelling pretty again) to take these photographs of our newest purchases, seedlings doing really well and potatoes chitting like there shall be no tomorrow :)

Broad Beans (Aquadulce Claudia), there are 5 beautiful shoots so far. Two new Dahlias - 'Bishop of Llandaff' and 'Mary Evelyn'

And lastly those spuds (we added a new one too)

(Left to right) Kestrel,  Saxon, Pentland Javelin 

Well my lovelies, that's all for now. I must go now and cut Maggie's hair - she will probably hate me for the rest of the day, or until she gets a few biscuits :)

Hugs