Thursday, 12 May 2016

When you're going through hell

...keep going!

April the 4th was the last time I had anything to do with the allotment. I haven't even been in the vicinity of the place and I didn't plant one single seed this year, not one. I barely even think about the plots and don't feel guilty about it either.

I was given a new extra medication to try in March of this year and by the middle of April I was ready for the hills; it simply didn't agree with me and conversely, all that it was meant to help with, it made a lot worse.
Self harm has become a 'normal' everyday desire and suicide often seems the logical solution to my pain. In short, times have been epically bad, we're talking on a biblical scale and Andrew and I have just barely pulled through.

Now there's a little green light at the end of that monstrously long tunnel of despair. I'm starting to catch glimpses of it, at long last, though they are few and far between.

The last couple of days here in glorious Carrickfergus have been sunshine-y and though it doesn't fill me with glee I am pleased to see the healthy plants in the garden (bar the absolutely dead Acer) and interested in the first wisteria buds on the vine.
wisteria buds -

I know Andrew will get my bum to that allotment soon and with hope I will be able to return to blogging and connecting with you, my gardening friends.

Wishing you all the very best


  1. Thinking of you. Take care and hugs. Flighty xx

  2. I was thinking of you yesterday, and wondering how you are.
    Sending you some sunny days ...

    1. Oh thank you Diana! I never fail to be amazed that anyone ever thinks of little old me. Thank you xxx

    2. Serious winter weather here today!!
      But then we are promised a week of sunshine.
      You too, I wish.

  3. First time I have read your blog with my daugther, 14 years, selfharmer and depressed. A revelation, thank you.

    1. Truly, much love to you Monique and your daughter xxx

  4. I hope that the sunshine works it's magic,

  5. I have been popping in on and off and was so glad to see you are coming back to us, slowly, gradually, there must be no pressure. I have finally got off all medication after years and my allotment and garden have been such wonderful places to be this spring. Keep going, dear Carrie, it will all come right in the end. You have so MUCH to live for..... love to you xxxx

  6. Dearest Carrie
    I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time .. medications can either help so much or send us to hell, I understand a little of what you may be going through. I so hope it is out of your system and you are feeling better.
    Sun and plants are small miracles that seem to help us through .. hold on sweetie.
    Things will get better !
    Hugs ... Joy : )

  7. I am sorry to hear of your bad experience. I sympathyse as I had a similar problem in December. All I can say is it does get better I know you probably have heard these lame words time and time again but it is true.Keep going and don't let the ba******s get you down.

  8. I hope that Spring is working its magic in your soul. I too pop in regularly to check how you are. I think of you often. We have never met, we live on different land masses, there are many, many years between your age and mine and yet something about you makes me care and keep coming back to check that you are ok. That says A LOT about you as a communicator and as a person. Lynda xxxx

  9. Still "keeping an eye out for you" dear Carrie. Chin up.


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