The allotment without me

This is a super huge catch up post and boy does it make me feel all the feels. I'm embarrassed and ashamed as Andrew has done everything himself, I'm proud of him, I'm sad that it doesn't interest me and actually being there causes panic, and I'm amazed that the plots around us are in such a wild state that it feels so pointless to even try - is this all a waste of time?!

plot just before ours - ggrrrr

So Andrew and I were coming home from a trip to Belfast on Sunday and he needed to go in to the plots to get some food for us. Ahh, sneaky - that got me there off guard for the first time in months. I could have stayed in the car but I walked down, just with my phone and had a wee look. Here, this is proof that I was in fact, literally there -

24a
OK so this is the first born plot, the original and the best. The one that once won 'Best Allotment Garden' and which this blog was all about for a long time. It still feels like the important one; there sits the shed, the benches, the compost bins, the soil there has my blood, sweat, tears and adrenaline in it from those first exciting months of allotmenteering.

what you can see here: (with thanks to Andrew typing these lists!)
* left side - courgettes, sweetcorn, broad beans, french beans, mangetout
* right side - kale, kohlrabi, purple sprouting broccoli, garlic, beetroot, parsnips, carrots, spring onions, turnips.

standing at the entrance to 24a

14b
Okay, so it's ours too; in fact is was gotten under my name. However, the blackberry, rhubarb, poppies and roses are the only things I ever feel a connection with. Andrew has worked so damn hard over there but the asparagus has failed (I saw one frond) and I have been too ill to use the rhubarb this year or look after any flowers.

Good new is the woodland area trees are looking good and there is a nice wee under planting of herbs. I forgot to take a photo but hey, these are all terrible phone photos anyway :)

back half of 14b

a tidy up and this would show some nice flowers and many to come

We have thought often about giving this half plot up but when you think of the money pit it has been and the hours of work to get it to this stage were food is growing it breaks your heart. Plus 3 sides of it are coming down with weeds up to my thigh height with mostly grasses, nettles, dandelions and other unwanted seeds constantly floating over - arrghhhh.

I only managed about 5 mins there this first time and then I had a panic attack and had to run to the safety of the car. Thank goodness I have been taking my hayfever medication though, it could have been deadly!

* So far this year we have been eating *

rhubarb

mangetout

broad beans

spring onions
lettuce

potatoes (grown in big pots)

courgettes

mini carrots

gooseberries

With much love and hopes for more blog posts (and much better photography) to come,
Your Carrie xx

Allotment Undergardener

Are you aware that I don't really know much about allotmenteering? I understand the principles and even some technical stuff but I don't use my knowledge ~ I'm too scared to even plant my own seeds or pot on a healthy plant. I always, and I mean always feel I'll do something wrong, it won't be perfect, I'll fail. And conversely...I might be good at it and then, like so much in my life, I'll lose the skill or the confidence and all will be darkness in my soul.

Just a little selection of our gardening books

Not in a nasty way, Andrew said to me, as I was trying to take 'before' photos, that I may well be a blogger but he was a gardener and I was simply getting in his way. It made me think. I'm not a gardener, I've never thought of myself as one, I'm an under gardener and that's ok; it's how I like it.

I have too much time on my hands!

I like to weed, in fact I love to weed and tidy. I thoroughly enjoy harvesting, even the gooseberries (when I end up looking like I have been in a fight with a crazed flock of sharp taloned birds and my arms are all scratched and bleeding) or even picking all the blackberries and looking like I have just committed mass murder myself... Ah let people think want they want....It's the quiet ones you have to watch....

Weirdly, I also like to be told what to do; what's happening with this section of the plot and what I can do to help. Basically Andrew is the Allotmenteer- I'm there to take photos, do manual labour and then write about it so we can see and fully appreciate what we have been able to do, working with nature.

**************

Well that's not entirely true. The allotment is therapy for me and just like physical therapy, it is bloody hard work and takes a lot of drive and courage. I do feel good clearing a bed, getting it ready for the real gardening to get cracking; I feel good with the sun on my back and my hands in the soil; I love bird song (butterflies terrify me - go figure that one out!) and the sound of distant chat and laughter.

But for me personally, there is the fear of having to socialise, of being asked advice or for help. I get myself so worked up at the very thought of having a panic attack there and embarrassing myself and Andrew that they inevitably happen. I cry a little every time I go and blame the wind in my eyes or my hay fever, often I want to hurt myself with the tools. Ecotherapy isn't easy! Yes, if no one else is there, I can sometimes really enjoy it and it feels right, so right, to be working with my hands, back to basics.

But either way - gardener or dog's body, panicky or not..

'In the Spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt'

~ Margaret Wood

and we both have been :)

Love and hugs

Carrie

Our little seedlings

I just don't know when to stop. Even after I wrote and hit 'publish' on my last blog post; I felt compelled to go outside and take photographs, put a load of washing on and make compote. Then in the afternoon I wrote rough drafts for the next 6 posts, and got some photos edited for them..... then 'had to read' yet ready for yoga and so......collapsed.

To be honest the rest of the day was a mystery, though I did love Forrest Gump being on. Today I have barely moved from the sofa - yay I got up out of bed though!! - and have 'just read' all day. Though my mind has been muddled and confused and I seriously look like a mad lady!

Why do I strive so vehemently when I'm obviously so ill?

Sorry. I needed to get that out, say it openly and publicly. Listen to your precious bodies and minds my friends.

***************

** The Gault nursery as it stood yesterday..

 Andrew's homemade cold frame - housing geraniums and broad beans at the moment

 Roses - Reine de Violettes and  Silver Jubilee
 Two Beetroot types (Chiogga) and  (Golden) Celeriac, Purple Sprouting Broccoli

 On the window sill - Sunflowers (this is 2 weeks after planting!), Zinna (Jazz)
 Tiny Rudbecki (dwarf mix), our clever light reflector ;)

*****************

** The back garden in happy vignettes....

So much green and happy growth!

Hugs and love
Your Carrie

P.S. Almost all my Dahlias are sprouting now :) 'Golden Wonder', 'Bora Bora' and 'Pom Pom'

A loveliness of Ladybirds

It's Tuesday and I'm still feeling a bit anxious with leftover panic from Sunday's visit to the Allotment. Don't get me wrong, nothing horrendous happened...there were no clowns nor a plague of locusts, a twister did not lift up my shed and deposit me in Oz etc. No, I simply took the worst panic attack and it didn't go away until, sort of, this morning.

As an advocate for Ecotherapy and in my own made up word of Allotmentherapy, I find this quite the let down. But as I remind others, so I must remind myself.... Ecotherapy is not a panacea for mental health problems.

I believe my panic began with me getting just what I wanted....new allotment members in a big friends and family gathering getting an over run plot back into order. I mean, really, it was a joy to see. However it also put me on high alert...I had to talk and be friendly and it was all too much. I went into overdrive to make these (somewhat glorious warriors) feel a community spirit existed, and it was just too much.

Reminder this bed? I worked really hard to get it finished and cleared then realised I hadn't been breathing and nearly fainted.

Andrew managed quite a bit with clearing our soon to be squash/asparagus area and got pooped too. Our trip home for coffee ended me shaking and terrified to go back.

The vast population of ladybirds couldn't even draw me back. There are so many this year, this is just 2 out of approx 8 I saw without searching for them! Pure joy :)

****

Today is beautiful so I'm going to take photos of how gloriously well the seedlings are doing, all over the place and share that joy with you. Plus I have designs on making a sweet rhubarb compote later.

* For now it's all about remembering to breathe and ordering my hay fever medication- why??!, cruel, merciless, sadistic pollen, why do you torture me so!???

Love and hugs
Your Carrie x

From the heart

I've been thinking about writing this post all day. And now I've got here and the words won't come. Oh I could talk a load of nonsense and spin a great yarn - I'm from Ireland for goodness sake. But I don't want to do that, I have to write from the heart, like I always do.

So what's the problem? Well, I've been excited about telling you all about last night because last night I felt good and I was at the allotment and that made me feel even better. So = what this blog is all about, right?! Yeah, but today is a different story, I thought I was doing okay, I'd only had one panic attack and it was 4pm but then as I was getting out of the shower and coming here to write to you, I took another one, to be honest I am in it right now.

I am scared, my nose is itchy with those tears that want to come, I am biting my lip, I can't breathe well, I daren't be seen by anyone as I am ashamed and I want to cry and scream but by god I will not let myself cause I am going to write my way out of this (with meds).

So let's get comfy, open that chest and remember that this is going to pass. How are you feeling right now? Okay I hope, breathing deeply........... I need a minute. Sorry, a flurry of activity from the builders packing up for the day, I couldn't bare the noise, last straw

Last night then and I am calmer now.

I picked an area, I got stuck in and I kept my head down. I worked hard, felt muscles working that had been on holiday for a while and got a cold bum; my jeans were low, the t-shirt riding up as I was working on my hunkers. Yes two boys were watching my bum in all it's glory - let's get the shame out there and disperse it. Here is my corner of the plot before and after ~

Yep, the hayfever season is certainly starting and though I haven't taken any tablets yet I really should have because I am sitting here sneezy and with little hives on my arm, and itchy face oh and that horrible itchy roof of the month thing too. Plus is it just me or have the slugs in your area being taken steroids or something - they're HUGE! Lucky I was in a good mood and just flung them as hard as I could over to the hedgerow, I can not bare to squish a slug.

 

My super duper tiny alpines are coming out look - wow what a scary giant man! :)

The air was lovely there last night, the plots got quieter once the kids (and their parents!) went home and I saw a lottie friend for the first time in ages - so it was all good. I didn't panic once even when 2 new people arrived and were talking to Andrew; even when Andrew dandered off to see someone's fruit cage (the talk of the field) and I was left alone. I was okay :) I even would go as far as to say, I was feeling GOOD :)

So many seedlings, blossoms, new growth and freshly weeded beds. The smell of water on the soil as new seeds were planted and hope was born  - best wishes little Parsnip seeds 'Gladiator', little Celeriac seeds 'Prague Giant' (again) and Purple Sprouting Broccoli (I hope we get to eat you next year, the few paltry pieces we shared this year after the pigeons did their work has made me want you even more!!!)

So over all, it's looking like a plot again, all those other 8 lavenders died that where in the bed-end planting pockets; it was the frost. The other plot is a little behind but by gum we'll get there! (I never actually say 'by gum' but I do write it, odd...)

Anyway that is enough for one or maybe even two days. I'm not going tonight, I've already decided I just can't afford to rock the boat. Last night and the big hugs and twirls and falling on the grass in Andrew's arms (because he was so proud of me), are moments I want to savour in my heart and I feel if I went tonight it wouldn't end so well. So yoga for me in the house - kicking Andrew out to plant more delicious food :)

And just to rub it in I have been having the breakfast of Champions the past 2 days ~ unsweetened Swiss Style Muesli with home made Rhubarb and Stem Ginger Compote!!!

Hugs + thanks for helping through the panic  xx

Blossoms and panic

Andrew and I had a fabulous few days in Co Kerry there, down on Valentia Island. Okay the 6.5 hrs in the car was a little much but the island and meeting up with my lovely friend Rosemary made up for it all. I can honestly say that I felt well there for a whole day and a morning, smiling, laughing, taking photos once again, eating amazing food and just being me with people I love.

As usual though with every high there is a low and now I am going through one of thoser periods. Much is to do with tiredness but then lots is to do with being mentally ill (which I often over look and deny).

We went to the alllotment last night after dinner, yes people have indeed commented on how our usually neat and tidy plot looks a little like a small bomb has hit it. Give us a break, please!! We have a lot on these days with the house, garden, the Market on Sundays [have you checked out Cherry Blossom Tattoo?? - I am cheeky]. We took down some very happy celeriac seedlings that had grown up strong in no time and put them in the cold frame and got to work cutting the grass and weeding like mad people ( just manically fast not foaming at the mouth or anything, lol).

Well here are some photos that ought to cheer the most low of  us all - new life, new hope......

 

and Maggie :)



Lavendar to help calm me down

I had a big panic attack whilst there, which breaks my heart. It took me a few mintues to get out of the car in the first place and then as soon as I saw a couple of other people coming to water plants etc I just freaked out. I don't know what is worse, the panic attack itself or the feeling of embarassment and stupidity one feels at the same time. Anyhow, I ended up hiding in the shed and then we had to go home. At least this card by Edward Monkton always makes me smile through the tears....

 Ah well the ups and downs. At least I have photos of gorgeous tulips, happy Sweet Williams and the spuds starting to peek through and say 'hello'.

 

 

Hope all is well with your little seedlings and your fruit trees are heavy with beautiful flowers too x

Bloomin' Monday

hello remember me? I took a break from the blogging whilst Andrew was off; sorry if that last post was a bit graphic but it's how I felt and I needed to express myself. I haven't been much better since then and the attacks and the depression are continuing to plague me, my every thought.

Even today (which is a beautiful summer day were I would eat a little ice cream if I liked the stuff) has been turned sour.

I went   on my 3rd solo walk, it was going quite well and Maggie was being a good girl but then this lady started shouting at me from across the road (which she and her friend's cars were blocking), I was panicky and nearly home so forgive me but I ignored her, 4 times (yes I know, I'm horrible), then she touched my shoulder and liver flew up into my mouth. She had me crushed up against a wall and complained that she had been calling me - I told her 'sorry, I'm having a panic attack- need to get home', but she started asking many a question about how to get to Mauds (my fave coffee and bun cafe - famous for ice cream). She just would not let me go, and was smiling away as if I was just startled by her loveliness. Information was gurgled out and then (heavens preserve me) I ran like a little girl the rest of the way home. It's taken an hour for me to calm down and for the low screaming sound to stop in my head.

So your wonderful post on the fab flowers at the lottie will have to reduced to this.

A bunch of Cone Flowers that Andrew picked for me about 5 days ago and a posey I picked on Saturday, with my sweet peas, a dahlia and 2 miniature ilium seed heads in my favourite jar.

I also picked a posey of my 'Cupani' sweet peas (the purple and pink ones) hand tied them all professional like and gave them to the first person I saw (that was the rule in my head), which happened to be a very hard working lady, who was a bit miffed as we don't know each other :) Spreading a little free love is my new vice baby ;) ~ but please, only when I am not having an attack.

Wishing you a happy, relaxed afternoon/evening and let us all have a better tomorrow xxxx

A panic attack

I'm sure my face drains, I feel light headed and my legs no longer seem able to hold me up, they don't feel like my legs anyway. Colours get too bright, there is some flashing, the contrasts too sharp but then comes the noise. A howling onrushing cacophony of overwhelming sound that seems to come from every direction at once, the tamber and strength of it makes my stomach uncomfortable and heart race. I stumble to the shed, put my hands over my ears, close my eyes, crouch down but it only gets worse. The screaming and the rumbling crashing-waves-on-a-pebble-beach are in my head, not coming at me, in me. It gets louder as I try to focus, the angry screaming is my voice I don't know how I know this but like a nightmare I silently call for help, my throat getting more and more restricted, I can't breathe.

I know I need help, I know I need to calm down, to take a tablet but I can't seem to get my body to work with me. I can't think where the water is, where the medication is, what to do with my huge hands which are fumbling about, wringing each other or in my hair scratching, pulling. Clothes hurt and my eyes are bulging, heart getting so fast, random objects appear to be coming at me in 3D movie style, I'm dizzy, where am I?

Andrew, andrew, please help me andrew... make it stop......

This is a panic attack.

I just wanted you to get an idea of it. It happens a lot, even at home (though they usually aren't as bad), even when things are fine a moment beforehand. This is one of the reasons I hate going to the allotment, hate going out alone but also one of the reasons that I must. Ecotherapy is not easy, I'm not the little girl from 'Little house on the Prairie' skipping down wildflower hills; I'm not Sleeping Beauty out communing with nature and all is songs and sweetness. Ecotherapy is hard - when it works it is so very rewarding but it doesn't always work. I haven't been writing much about my lotties recently, I haven't been there and I'm nervous about going back this weekend. This is the reality of therapy - I never said it was easy. My 'Allotmentherapy' essay has been published in part in a mental health leaflet posted out to every house in an area of North East Scotland. They made it sound all a bit too easy in their extract - it isn't. The depression and panic travels with you where ever you go, part of you.

Little manly Neeps

A headless chicken, that's what I am at the minute, a feckin' hen without a head running in circles about to collapse and go bye bye. I'm having yet ANOTHER f-ing panic attack and it is killing me. I've taken a sedative but I am quite maniacal and have vacuumed the whole house in the past 10 mins and tided up and got washed myself. I am going to have a break down, I'm serious, I've been having loads for weeks and there ain't nothing any of my Dr's can do but tell me to stay calm and take sedatives if I need them. I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING MAD. I'm not afraid to say that, I am not ashamed to be ill, just desperately, totally overcome with sadness and frustration. And panick.

So, as you can turn to another wonderful blog or tut at my self pity, or get annoyed that this girl is talking about herself like this again; I can write here without worrying about upsetting anyone and without hearing the disappointment in your voice, seeing the confusion on your face, hearing your questions that I don't have answers for.

I want to talk about normal stuff and I have photos I'd like to share. It's about Turnips and Leeks, wonderful grow our own produce to boast about.

I need to take a deep breath...

Right, 'Purple Top Milan', quite possibly the prettiest, peppery-est, easy to grow turnip I know. (I don't know many, this is the one we grew last year as well as this year again; my knowledge is thus limited.) Oh it is one of those veggies that just wants to grow, they push each other out of the way just to prove some point about how 'I want to grow more than you do, get out of my way, I mean it, I'll grow round you sucker!, this bed ain't big enough for the both of us'. Thus:

Well, they were all ready, the ones that you pull out, obviously leave a little room so the ones left behind sprint on - this bed has done us proud. (I see them as feisty Italian men, with too much testestrone, just a thought.) However, too big and they aren't as tasty so it was time to harvest the lot. We didn't need them right away so, after watching Gardeners' World we decided to store some in sand. Now luckily Mamma G happened to have some sand, (so thank you to her) and we had a gorgeous wine box = turnips topped and tailed, wiped with a cloth and allowed to go to bed. Thusly:

It was pouring out of the heavens by this time - hence the soaking wet sand but it'll be fine. They're stored in the dry safety of the shed and should hopefully last us a wee while.

Feeling sorry for myself

I haven't blogged in days, I haven't read many friend's blogs in days; I haven't been one bit interested. I'm going through (and as I think about it, I must be doing better if I'm writing today) a really rough patch again. Panic attacks and severe depression are eating away at me like a cancer. I feel heavy and confused in my head, my back and shoulders ache from the stress, my blood pressure is all over the place and I can't eat. Even my arms and legs feel heavy and my fingers are not typing the way they should. Who ever invented the delete button should have been made monarch of the world. I just wish there was a delete button in the real world.

Sorry to moan, I'm just feeling so awful. Photos of our 4 hour blitz at the lottie have been uploaded as I write and there are a couple of stories to tell. My words just won't form either in my head or straight from the finger tips like usual.

Instead I leave you for today with a befittingly sad photo. This poor sunflower had been blown over and the stem torn by the storms of last week. I cut the flower head off and went to take some pictures, it began to rain and then I noticed the damn slug there, just waiting to finish her off. It just encapsulates how I feel today, down, down and down, the world conspiring against me. It's dark in this place and the ropes lowered down by my few dear friends aren't long enough for me to reach.

You, yes I'm talking to you

This week has been a terrible week for depression and anxiety for me. I mean really bad, quite serious. But everyday when Andrew came home from work we put dinner off for a while and went straight down to the lottie. I swear, and I know that I both lambast and wax lyrical about Ecotherapy depending on the day, I felt better every single evening after spending time on the plots. Simple weeding and tidying up, ripping out old plants and thinking of the future, talking to friends and standing by my cozy wood stove - I FELT BETTER.

Okay, the depression and anxiety returned later on in the evening etc but for that time on my little piece of Eden with Andrew and Maggie I was okay. I was numb and completely involved in the task at hand and taking photos. I know 'numb' isn't perfect but believe me, it's better than sitting on the sofa hiding from the world and better than wanting to cut yourself.

Ecotherapy is a therapy and as such there are days when you hate it, days when it touches a nerve and makes you mad or so unhappy, but then those days when it sends you to a quiet, peaceful place in your mind - well, that makes up for everything.

Please, I know I go on about it but try it out for yourself, tell your friends, experience the wisdom and the empathy of plants and nature in general. I urge you with all my being, every breath.

Love C xx

Don't adjust your settings..

For a moment I must take a minor detour onto the world of public planting schemes, it's for my dear VP who is rather obsessed with the whole thing. I am cheating a little tiny bit here as these photos aren't from my neighbourhood but are instead from the beautiful city of Caen in Normandy. I took them for VP in the first place and now she is looking for September displays for the OOTS segment.

I was truly impressed by these (and an awful lot of public planting in Brittany and Normandy ~ spectactular roundabouts) in front of the City Hall. Especially with the use of kale in the planting; veggies, why not!?

I am really trying every trick in the book to stall the walk I am supposed to be going on with Maggie the wonder dog. Every time I hear someone outside make a noise or I think about the walk ahead I literally feel like being sick. I'm scared, so panicky I am shaking and all huddled up on the sofa with the blinds still closed. I HATE being out at home alone. I HATE having this intense anxiety too. I HATE me.

Reality hits me like a smack on the face ~ UPDATED

I feel terrible. This isn't the Samaritans website I know. I just want to talk to someone, anyone. I have so much pent up energy and so many ideas that I don't know where to begin and I feel like I may just explode instead. I realised on Holiday that I love taking photographs; I'm happy when see that I have captured a moment that I thought was beautiful and I can look at it whenever I want and share it with people. I love creativity and feel close to other arty people, potters, woodworkers, writers etc.

I just can't get over this mental block. Writing is so difficult and I want to scream because it is my usual release in life. I have stories from a really hard working weekend with Andrew at the plots. I am so proud of what we achieved but the stories won't form and everything is disjointed.

Yesterday Carrots and Kids wrote a beautiful bloggette, giving her thanks to a sunflower for just growing and giving her joy. I encourage you to read it. May Dreams Gardens is having her monthly Blooms day today and it is a delight as ever. I need to quiet my mind or I am afraid I may hurt myself, I've already started biting my hand (what's that all about?). I leave you with my some of my flower pics.

I hope you like them and just appreciate a moment looking at perfection. I'm hoping I will get some solace out of sitting here and looking at them myself. I'm just a ball at the moment, shaking and full of misplaced anger. I need ecotherapy or maybe just knocked out and allowed to sleep. x






It's all red and yellow in my border!


P.S. Spoke to Andrew and he is coming home a little early if he can. I'll hopefully get to the lottie and hopefully feel a bit better.

*UPDATE*
Andrew arrived home early. I had taken sedatives and was so sleepy so after a coffee and sugary biccie we hit the Lottie. I worked so hard and I felt good!! Can you believe it ~ ECOTHERPAY ROCKS. I really enjoyed the few hours there and was protective of my areas of work, I wanted to really see my progress. I didn't take the camera but trust me I was/am knackered now and happier. With more self-esteem I'm off to work on my photos xx