Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Reality hits me like a smack on the face ~ UPDATED

I feel terrible. This isn't the Samaritans website I know. I just want to talk to someone, anyone. I have so much pent up energy and so many ideas that I don't know where to begin and I feel like I may just explode instead. I realised on Holiday that I love taking photographs; I'm happy when see that I have captured a moment that I thought was beautiful and I can look at it whenever I want and share it with people. I love creativity and feel close to other arty people, potters, woodworkers, writers etc.

I just can't get over this mental block. Writing is so difficult and I want to scream because it is my usual release in life. I have stories from a really hard working weekend with Andrew at the plots. I am so proud of what we achieved but the stories won't form and everything is disjointed.

Yesterday Carrots and Kids wrote a beautiful bloggette, giving her thanks to a sunflower for just growing and giving her joy. I encourage you to read it. May Dreams Gardens is having her monthly Blooms day today and it is a delight as ever. I need to quiet my mind or I am afraid I may hurt myself, I've already started biting my hand (what's that all about?). I leave you with my some of my flower pics.

I hope you like them and just appreciate a moment looking at perfection. I'm hoping I will get some solace out of sitting here and looking at them myself. I'm just a ball at the moment, shaking and full of misplaced anger. I need ecotherapy or maybe just knocked out and allowed to sleep. x

It's all red and yellow in my border!

P.S. Spoke to Andrew and he is coming home a little early if he can. I'll hopefully get to the lottie and hopefully feel a bit better.

Andrew arrived home early. I had taken sedatives and was so sleepy so after a coffee and sugary biccie we hit the Lottie. I worked so hard and I felt good!! Can you believe it ~ ECOTHERPAY ROCKS. I really enjoyed the few hours there and was protective of my areas of work, I wanted to really see my progress. I didn't take the camera but trust me I was/am knackered now and happier. With more self-esteem I'm off to work on my photos xx


  1. Hi Carrie glad you got to the lottie and feel a little better. Good to have you back.

  2. Just lovely Carrie, what lovely blooms you have in your September Garden. I think you are on the right track with your therapy. Keep on digging!



  3. Remember - when things get really tough, you DO know what to do to make things better again.

    It might be baby steps, but they'll get you there.

  4. To all you lovely ladies - Thank you xx

  5. Hi Carrie, I don't know why I picked this particular post, Sept 16th, to leave you a comment...I've been reading all of your posts and wanted to leave a comment several times, but I decided to leave a longer one here. I have loved so many of your posts...you've shared so much about all of your hard work, your determination and ability to do just about anything when you put your mind to it! Your allotment has looked wonderful...and I know it's just about 'gone' for the rest of the year...but you've accomplished so much with your husband;-) Now you need to keep in your mind the fact that what you 'tell' yourself does have a huge impact on what you will 'feel'. I know you struggle with anxiety/depression, etc., and you can't just 'think' yourself out of those feelings, not totally, anyway. BUT, you can definitely use your ability to 'choose what you tell yourself' about what you may be feeling at any given moment. As I've mentioned before, I've struggled with many of these same issues--and it's much easier for me to write about what I know, or 'tell' someone else what I know, rather than 'apply them to myself'. Believe me, I would much rather have someone here to 'force my brain to re-direct my thoughts' and make me use 'positive self-talk' than to have to try to do it myself. It's a constant, daily struggle. Yet, with the knowledge that what you tell yourself DOES have a direct effect on what you will feel, you can make some improvements in your level of happiness. (Don't mean to sound like I'm preaching, and I'm not your therapist...but being a mental health counselor, I guess I just can't help myself!). I know going to a counselor costs money...and I don't even know what that's like in your 'healthcare' system--but I hope you've been able to have a person like that to work with you in your life. I've had my own counseling and I know it really can help. Anyway...sorry I haven't visited in ages (!) but just want to tell you that I think you are a beautiful, sensitive but strong soul--and you deserve to be happy every day, and feel good about who you are! You are my friend, and I think about you. Hang in there and have faith that the bad moments will pass--because they will--and remember that you can help the process by continuing to 'choose' to use positive words--and even though you might believe that you 'hate yourself', say just the opposite of that. Say you love yourself, to yourself. It's called 'fake it 'til ya make it'! It sounds silly, but when I worked as a counselor at a mental health hospital, we used to tell our patients that's how positive changes occur! Go through the steps, and pretty soon, a lot of your feelings will actually change! [[[You probably know everything I've just said; so just take this as my way of saying that I care about you and hope that you will always believe in yourself and love yourself like you would love another person.]]] Take care;-)


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