Friday, 8 September 2017

Violins of autumn

I need to talk, the words have been bubbling up in my throat straight from my heart for the last week or so. I need to speak out in order to take power away from my depression. It has been winning, it has taken me by such surprise, such as when you walk up the stairs, think there is one more to come and fall through the air and your heart sinks. I haven't been able to read or write, barely walk or talk for depression has destroyed me. 

Many days on the sofa in my pj's, forgetting to eat or drink, unable to wash or care about anything - this has been the reason I have been absent from the blogging world. Absent from life.

As Friday night draws closer I feel evermore like rotten fruit felt to disintegrate in a mouldy heap. The weekend is coming and I could see it in hell; I just want to be alone, unseen. Resting, a drugged sleep if need be, until I feel half myself again. 

I did taste a reprieve on Wednesday evening; I thought I'd turned a corner with the help of a wonderful harvest to process - I sang silly songs and worked with Andrew making apple and stem ginger compote and damson fruit leather. It was wonderful. But all the more painful for having been ripped away from me the next morning.

I have fun things to share and lots of photos from weeks past but for now, please hold me in your thoughts a moment and spare a little love for one who feels so empty. 

Though I know I am blessed beyond measure by having Andrew by my side and
Carrie x


  1. I hope you bounce back k soon, Carrie. I want to hear about those fun things. We

    1. thank you - still waiting for that 'good day' but shall certainly share the good times when i can xx

  2. Behind every dark night, is a sunrise. Stay strong

  3. Thinking of you. Take care and hugs. xx

  4. After every storm comes the good weather, after every night comes the bright dawn, after every winter comes the spring and summer. The best is yet to come. Your best is yet to come. Thinking of you.

    1. That is so beautiful, thank you for your kindness and inspiration. There is hope xx

  5. Carrie .. you know that I think of you ever day .. we share so much in how we feel and how we cope. A belated happy birthday to Toby and bless his little heart for helping you out ... my Sophie does the same for me in a very dignified cat manner ? LOL .. but cuddles and purrs all round help a lot.
    You did so well with this post ... well done you !!
    I am proud of you .. take care dear heart !
    Joy : )

  6. Autumn isnt too bad! I actually quite like the last of the sun. I like to get my garden sorted out for winter. I like stripping it all back and having a simple garden again. Plus, and the best thing about the colder weather is that you can really enjoy cooking again. Thick soups and hearty meals. Chin up guys, the cold isnt all that bad!

  7. I am sending you many hugs, Carrie. Autumn is never an easy season for depression, but you have gone through many autumns and winters and you know you can do it. I am sending you positivity and strength. X

  8. Still catching up on blog reading - including yours which is a month ago.
    How was this weekend? Sun? Allotment? Cooking?
    Sending hugs.


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