It's 6am, I'm up in the cold inky darkness of a new day and already I can't cope. I have the shakes - so pent up and VERY depressed. I need to keep myself occupied until the Valium kicks in or I think I may just lose it altogether.
Is it wrong to have chocolates with breakfast, there are some mighty fine Belgian Truffles sitting here. God, who am I kidding? Of course I've already eaten one.
Wow, it's taken 20 mins to just get that much out on the page. Does the flashing cursor ever totally piss you off too - it's like the computer is just thirsty for your words and bloody impatient to boot.
Yesterday was actually a good day. We slept in really bad; shockingly, embarrassingly, woken by Geoff (our friend Paul's Dad) at 11.45 am, with presents (said choccies and a bottle of whiskey)! Worse, Andrew came back to bed and we didn't get up til after 12pm. It was also Mamma G's Birthday and we raced to get out in time for a lovely lunch in Carrick. The conversation was good, the food- tasty and we were all in fine fettle. Oh, and Mamma liked her present which is all important. After lunch (which took 2 hours, as all good lunches should) Andrew and I went to our beloved Lottie. I just put the head down and got on with stuff, I wouldn't say I enjoyed myself but it was a good way to spend the afternoon.
Later the same day we went to our good friend Gary's 30th Birthday Party. We are starting to feel the passage time now - it's not great. Though looking at you mate's childhood photos stuck up around the house is bloomin good fun. I can't deny it - I had a good time; I had a really good time. But, I haven't been able to sleep properly since going to bed at 2 and I think the fact that I did yesterday without any sedatives or indeed, alcohol is hitting home. I'm a belated nervous wreck. And I can't wake up my darling, he is totally out for the count and deserves to sleep - there's nothing he could do to help - that's the total pissy bit about being mentally unwell, there is no visible wound to tend to. You can't put a plaster on this and kiss it better.
God I really feel I may explode. I can't even run away from myself and I'm so annoyed at my weakness and pathetic-ness, I'd love to get away from me. I can totally understand how people get caught up in drink and drugs, I can't think of any other way to get out of your own head. This is were the blogging comes in for me, I guess - my release, my vent.
I feel like I'm being bullied, like back in primary school, but this time it's me who doesn't like me. And me who is saying the hurtful things to myself. I'm back in my childhood/adolescence, crowded out by thoughts I can't deal with. When am I ever going to get on top of this?
It's 7.10am and the shaking has stopped - I'm off to immerse myself in the lives of other people; celebrities I don't know and all their problems.
It's now 8.30am and the panic attack is back already - bum :(