Saturday, 10 July 2010

Let's be honest

I haven't been the alloment since 'that' Friday when I worked really hard and wrote that post about all and the coriander that wanted to kill be, slowly, wrapped up in it's sent and sweet leaves and flowers. The weather here has been very bad, raining heavy and dull and windy.

I have been more depressed and anxious than I have been in a long time. I even started to hurt myself again. The new house is upsetting me as it just feels so stressful not having my own home to feather and nest in. To have my own sense of indepence and that joyful feeling of being someone's wife and being there for them when they come home. It the moment I am not growing in myself, I have stunted, need moved, watered liberally and, damn all these cliches, I just feel like a plant covered in aphids dying.

Don't get me wrong - Mamma has/is wonderful and her generousity simply knows no bounds. Plus she kicked Cancer's ass and I still feel so happy for her, though I knew she'd do it all along (ask A.)

What I really want to say is I'm going to take a break, try and enjoy the time Andrew has off and please Mamma Nature - some good weather!? Please?? Though all I want to do is sleep; there is a deep and constant pain evident in each day and I am tired, too tired to fight anymore. And feel weak and embarassed at all the sedatives I need in my blessed life where I never want for food or a roof but feel like dying anyway.



  1. Carrie, I am so, so sorry you're going through this. I can empathize, truly I can, having been there. You do not need to be embarrassed or so hard on yourself. Truly you do not need to be anything at all -- but Carrie. That is enough. You are enough.

    You are beautiful enough and smart enough and wonderful enough as you are. You do not have to do anything different, but just relax and know you are loved and there are people all around the world that love you and think of you and send you loving energy and virtual hugs. :)

    The garden will be waiting patiently for you when you get well enough to visit and when the weather cooperates. Namaste, dear one.

  2. Moving house is stressful for anyone - I suppose you look forward to it and then it's an anti-climax once you are there. Will be thinking of you and hope you rally again soon.

  3. i dont think you are weak in the least. i cant imagine being strong enough to feel as you do and still be able to write about it so beautifully.

    will be sending you lots of positive thoughts from here x

  4. Hi Carrie, been popping in and out for a while now and wanted to comment!
    My mammy won out over cancer too and 2 years on she is fit as a fiddle and feeling great too!

    Sorry to hear you're feeling low but sending (((hugs))) your way.

    maz x

  5. Hi Carrie,

    Sending hugs from Canada. Hope you're feeling better soon.

    xo Gina

  6. Now you make me feel guilty that we spent a mostly sunny afternoon curled up by the fire, watching Harry Potter. Sending you a little African sunshine. Enjoy your time off with Andrew ;-)No aphids on this plant, she's just having a little rest, then she'll bounce back.

    Hang in there. We rented for a year, and the house building dragged on, till I yelled at the builder and made HIM cry instead! Can't wait to see what the two of you make of that new little garden ;-)

  7. Hi Carrie,

    So sorry you're feeling so down and anxious. I'm not sure what to say except that I'm sending you some sunshine (am hoping it will rain here, everything is all brown and parched) and some positive vibes.

    Willing you to get better soon xx

  8. Carrie, I have struggled with depression since my late teens, but it seems to me like you've been battling a much worse form of it for a long, long time. I hope you'll get to kick it squarely in the bum soon so that you can have some blessed respite. :(

    Be kind to yourself, and live life as best you can for now. You don't have to be anything but you right now. We'll be here when you get back. Promise! :)

  9. Hang on in there Carrie - you are stronger than you realise xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Our weather is really pants too (I think it must be working its way from down here up to the North?) - just constant constant rain -- where does it all come from?


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