I haven't been the alloment since 'that' Friday when I worked really hard and wrote that post about all and the coriander that wanted to kill be, slowly, wrapped up in it's sent and sweet leaves and flowers. The weather here has been very bad, raining heavy and dull and windy.
I have been more depressed and anxious than I have been in a long time. I even started to hurt myself again. The new house is upsetting me as it just feels so stressful not having my own home to feather and nest in. To have my own sense of indepence and that joyful feeling of being someone's wife and being there for them when they come home. It the moment I am not growing in myself, I have stunted, need moved, watered liberally and, damn all these cliches, I just feel like a plant covered in aphids dying.
Don't get me wrong - Mamma has/is wonderful and her generousity simply knows no bounds. Plus she kicked Cancer's ass and I still feel so happy for her, though I knew she'd do it all along (ask A.)
What I really want to say is I'm going to take a break, try and enjoy the time Andrew has off and please Mamma Nature - some good weather!? Please?? Though all I want to do is sleep; there is a deep and constant pain evident in each day and I am tired, too tired to fight anymore. And feel weak and embarassed at all the sedatives I need in my blessed life where I never want for food or a roof but feel like dying anyway.