Saturday, 20 March 2010

when things go tits up

It seems I'm looking for answers to questions I can't ask. I am slowly tearing myself apart and no amount of trying to put on a brave face or ecotherapy is going to help. I have to accept it, at this point in my life I am still somehow up that creek without a paddle and I'm scared.

Pains in my chest today put stop to my lottie activites. I wasn't standing too well on my own feet at the nursery where we'd gone to get compost, the pain was bad and Andrew had to lead me out to the car. I tried for a while to just be there, sitting on a bench once we drove down to the plots but in the end even that got too much. I had to come home and even though I have taken sedatives - 2 types, my brain will not stop churning around like a possessed cement mixer and my chest still aches, as does my head, shoulders and back.

There is only so much dreaming a girl can do. Then it hits with a mighty 'whack' across the face - your life is never going to be how you would like it. My mind is seemingly pre-occupied with the past which I can't change and worrying about the future which could never be certain for anyone, ever. I can't be in the moment, even though, as is clear, I know I should be, though even that is not advised by my Dr - reality is a but much for me at the moment [confused? I know I am]. I feel like running away but I can't escape from myself.

Everything has gone tits up and I repeat : I. am. scared.
I know some of you will not like hearing me say that, I give the impression that I am coping and 'look at me- if I can do it so can you', but be gentle, we all have our weak moments [but I still have the balls to share mine].

12 comments:

  1. Don`t waste your time being scared, life`s too short ..

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  2. I read and - well just think. I can't do anything else. I don't think there's anything I could say that would help. But I'm very impressed at your writing this.

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  3. Hi Carrie
    Don't be scared - we are here holding your virtual hand. You can do it I know you can.
    J

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  4. I so admire, almost envy, that you are willing and able to share your experience with us, in your writing. Hope you are curled up, with Maggie, and or Andrew, and feeling a little more together.

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  5. Hi - I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad today - anxiety is a terrible thing.
    I'm sure you've heard it all before but I'll say it anyway - however scared you are feeling now - it will pass, and you will get through it. It's your fighting spirit that I admire - you have an illness - I don't see this as a weak moment - this is the illness - and you're a fighter! You have so many good things waiting for you when you feel well again - Sending you lots of positive energy for a better day tomorrow - xxx

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  6. It's good that you can write how you feel, that in itself shows strength, so I know that you will get through this. Hope you're feeling better today.

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  7. I'm sorry that you are feeling down. I have people I care about who suffer from depression and I know bad days can just come on out of the blue but then so do the good days.

    Advice to not worry about the things that you can't change don't help really do they? - I'm a bit of a worrier. I need to keep busy all the time - just can't sit still doing nothing or my mind goes of on travels to places I don't want to go.

    Hope today things look a little brighter.

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  8. Thinking of you! Hugs, Flighty xx

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  9. Came by via 'Allotment Heaven'......... being scared is a scarey place to be..... Im scared for completely different reasons....

    Keep ya chin up girl..... this to will pass.....

    Im on the waiting list for an allotment in our village, just waiting for some old person to snuff it so I can have their patch :)

    x

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  10. Hello Carrie
    I have asked my Mum (who I am sure is a saint) to look out for you. Her name is Teresa.
    Love and prayers
    Claire
    P.S.Your blog is brill.

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  11. Turn your face to the sunshine my dear, drink it in, lap it up and give your dog a big hug! Matron xxx

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  12. Carrie, I'm so sorry to read that you're not doing well, and I hope it has gotten a bit better since you wrote. (And by the way, for someone in the depths of an anxiety attack and major illness, you write with such depth and clarity and beauty. Bravo!)

    I can -- and do -- sympathize with all my heart and send you more good wishes and a dose of tonglen coming your way tonight. When I was younger, I was plagued by terrible mental illness, and I know that no advice really helps when you're in it, feeling it, living it. Be brave, my friend.

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