Thursday, 29 April 2010

I'm still here and I shall win ;)

I received a lovely and loving e-mail this morning from a dear friend which has given me that extra bit of strength to fight my demons and write a quick post.

I have been staring into the abyss over the past few day, holding onto the cliff face my the tips of my fingernails, having chats with the devil himself. All in all, I have been going through the mill and feeling ready to give up the fight. I have been confused, be-fuddled and consumed with self loathing and weakness. I have hated myself entirely.

My camera is full with images taken in those little windows, those few hours here and there when the world hasn't seem to ugly to bare. But they lie hidden with the magical machine, not uploaded, not appreicated. The camera sits there mocking me to tell the truth. Yes there are nice images on it but they only go to prove how wonderful the world is and how I can't see it now. It also serves to remind me that I'm supposed to be putting photos into a gallery but my mount suppiler has messed up my order and I still sit here with my 'work' by the bed. I feel the utter failure and not even the news from the allotment helps. Nothing much has helped, but my hubby's unwaivering love, a quick comment from a friend on Facebook a few days ago and today's e-mails (out of the blue and tear inducing), one from Meredith and one from someone whose views on mental illness I have changed through my Allotmentherapy essay.

Ecotherapy is not a panecea, creative art isn't either and writing can just be too painful some days. So I have stayed away, I have stayed in this room alone, without even Maggie, staring into that abyss and wishing from the moment I wake up that it was bedtime again. WELL NOT TODAY!!

Today will be different, today I shall fight, today I shall create. The barbed wire around my soul shall be broken by the love that I have for life and the love I receive from others - unexpected, unwarranted. I am to fight until I fall alseep with the effort of it and I shall win! Today I shall win.


  1. Go for it Carrie. I'm sending you all the positive energy I can. Even getting yourself to the computer to write when you're depressed is a huge, huge step forward. You're already winning :)

  2. Take things just one step at a time and you surely will WIN!

    Hang in there Carrie - so looking forward to seeing you at Malvern real sooooooon.

    Have you found the Therapeutic Landscapes blog? It's American, but there's lots on there about how gardens nurture the soul. If you haven't come across it yet and Google can't find it either - let me know and I'll hunt out the link for you.

  3. Sorry to hear that you're not too good at the moment, Carrie, but you WILL win. You've taken a positive step by writing a post, the first step of many, I'm sure.

  4. Keep going Carrie, you will win!!

  5. one breath at a time

    Tricia xx

  6. Of course you are going to win. You're a winner. :) I'm glad the e-mail perked you up a bit, and I can't wait to hear the results of your art exhibit (and maybe sneak a peak at some photographs whenever that's possible -- probably way down the line if I know art galleries).

    No panaceas necessary. Just hanging on moment by moment, with all the loving support you can get, and knowing you are worth it!

  7. Oh Carrie, so glad to hear you are still fighting. Sending you lots of (((hugs))) from here xx

  8. Good to hear from you again Carrie, I've been checking the blog every day and wondering when you would pop up again! So glad you're feeling a little more hopeful. Hope you have a good day. Lauran x

  9. Hi Carrie - I was thinking about you too - nearly left a message, but didn't want you to feel pressured - I'm now realising I probably should of done. I really love to read your blog - I know how hard you fight,and
    how exhausted that must leave you feeling.

    I'm hoping you're having a better day today, and i'm sending you (((hugs))) and positive thoughts -



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