Monday, 20 April 2009

Another Blip

Saturday at the Allotment I wanted to kill myself. I not joking. I was going to ram the garden shearers in under my rib cage, I was talking nonsense and shaking uncontrollably; Andrew took me home. I was medicated and slept the majority of the day. You probably don't want to know that but I think it's important to tell you ~ Ecotherapy is not a panacea. Sometimes it can make you feel worse, even on your usual tablets and even though you want to be there ~ this cancer of the soul is sometimes stronger. It rips away the only pleasures you have in life and turns them into spiteful enemies. I was scared of every other person down there, I didn't deserve to be there and I was an embarrassment to my husband.

I was a mess. Luckily I didn't do anything stupid and was back the following day. I had a great Sunday, the Allotment helped immensely. I spoke to friends and I took photos, the sun was shining and it was (according to Ronnie and I at least) the 1st T-shirt day of the year, I even got a little colour on my arms. It was a joy to see growth all round me, to hear petrol mowers and kids laughing, feel the sun on my face and arms and smell the grass, the barbecues, Maggie's little warm body.

Hope: it's an intangible thing but the greatest ally when it visits, even for one sunny afternoon.

5 comments:

  1. Hi Carrie I was sorry to read of your struggles with your health. As you will see from my post I have had a long battle with Lyme disease 6 years. It is a horrible illness that is much mis diagnosed and mis treated and as much a problem in Ireland as UK Europe and throughout USA and Canada. Thankfully I am now nearly 100% recovered see my blog if you want to read more. It can also cause mental health problems and depression not that I am suggesting this as a sole cause of these illnesses just a possibility for some people. Gardening is such a tonic to us all and I am glad you find solace in your allotment garden.

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  2. Hi carrie.... there is always a little bit of pleasure and happiness even in total anger and sadness.... cheers! ~ bangchik

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  3. Carrie - i suspect your crash on saturday might have been partially to do with having a stressful / out of routine day on friday. Tireness gets to you etc. I have often found i've had a really good day when i have burnt myself out and then gone bit wonky the next day :)

    Glad you're still with us dearie :)

    Jo xx

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  4. You are totally right, friday was just too much but I wouldn't admit it to myself. I too have a good day followed by bad - rollercoaster.

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  5. The rollercoaster thing is so tiring. It's like that even if it's on a small scale - I dread to think what it could be like for you. Glad that Sunday got better, and I hope that some times you'll feel able to remember that ( I know sometimes that's not possible)

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