Wednesday, 25 November 2009

The performance of my life

I have just watched a programme about the fabulous Dame Shirley Bassey and she sang a song written by the Pet Shop Boys that has struck a chord so deep in my heart that I can't really breath right now, I've been crying too hard. But to write helps me to make sense of things sometimes.

The lyrics -
' But to live I have to give the performance of my life'.

This is and has been my life, I want to be whatever you want me to be, I have little idea who I am. I write and feel like this is me, I tell anyone who wants to listen in this space what I'm feeling but I don't always tell the truth. Yes the allotment does help me, blogging helps me, I adore my husband, I love photography, I feel completely and utterly useless and I fight everyday against my wish to die. I even knock myself out many days just so I don't have to face my own thoughts.

I perform. I act. It used to be for others, now it has bastardised into acting for me, to somehow fool myself into wanting to be.

I feel like a flowering plant, I want to be beautiful, I want to give joy but ultimately you are going to buy into the act when it's in full flow and then get rid of me when I start to fade... I'm tired.


  1. Carrie, this is exactly how I feel, I couldn't have said it better...
    Now I understand you much better...

  2. We all wear masks. Sometimes the mask slips and the real me shows. And sometimes I forget where I left the mask. You do have a way with words. The Irish gift of the gab?

  3. My petal michaela - *hugs*

    Diane - I realise we all wear masks, however I feel that what lies behind mine is unbareable to look at or at the very least, there's nothing there at all. Gift of the gab - I did visit Blarney Castle once but decided yep, I was born with it! Haha xx

  4. Not sure what you mean in your last sentence...that if you start acting all happy and carefree, then when you get depressed noone will listen to you anymore? Not sure I agree with that. But, I think most people don't want to look too deep within for fear of what they'll find, or won't find. That's why its so helpful to just focus outwardly, on others, and get outside of yourself as often as you can. Mask or no mask, it's ok.

  5. Carrie, my daughter suffers from chronic depression, bi-polar disorder, and several physical impairments now, including seizures. She does have times of terrible depression, and it is very difficult for me, who has never suffered a day from depression, to understand her. So I thank you for your words, and your most descriptive phrases, because you have helped me to understand better the hell she goes through. Not understanding her doesn't keep me from being frantic, like the Mother in the movie, "Terms of Endearment". I just want someone to help her.

    I don't agree with your last sentence. People I know, friends that I count as mine, don't discard people just because they see the real person. Everyone has a secret of some kind. Everyone is entitled to have their own secrets, and everyone should be able to don a mask if they feel the need.

    I have a friend who has the most marvelous talent for being a friend. She is friends with everybody. She would say "I know Jean does so and so, or such and such, but I like her anyway". And she does. She sees the good things in people, and minimizes the unlovely things, and she likes people even though they are imperfect. I am very grateful that she taught that to me. I would not have any friends if they all had to be perfect.


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