o the 'Phantom Book Leaver' was (not a great name I admit). DNA swabs were going to be taken, Maggie was going to be put to work as a sniffer dog and, darn it, lie detectors had been ordered. There was to be a grand finale where all my suspects were gathered in our shed (highly implausible as barely 2 people can fit it there on a good day, but a girl can dream) and Andrew would get the radio wound up and tuned into Classical FM ~ for drama. Then.....I would reveal, to the shock and awe of everyone, who the mystery benefactor was. My moment of glory, my close up and my reputation on the lotties cemented for good.
That was the idea. In reality things were much more mundane, as life tends to be. Andrew and I were walking up to the car park and Phil came over for a chat and just casually asked me during conversation if I liked the books he had left me. I was dumbfounded!He did receive my thanks and a big hug, but something in me can't help but be a little disappointed; my moment of glory, stolen (before I even had a chance to get those grey cells in gear and teach Maggie what sniffer-dogs do), and the news broken beside the manure heap as well!! What would Ms Christie think!
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I've had a horrible day, full of shakes, pure panic and an unsuccessful visit from my Social Worker. We're just back from a quick trip to the Lottie, which wasn't a good idea really for me today, yesterday it was nice, we had a BBQ and it was fun but every day is different...This has been the first time today when I have felt comfortable; Maggie is sleeping on 'her sofa', Andrew has done some dishes (bless him) and is now reading another second hand veg book he bought today, the decaff coffee is brewing and for once I am able to communicate to others without stuttering all over the place.
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One more thing, Thanks Stephen for putting a link to your (slightly embarrassing photo) of Andrew and I litter picking at the Spring Clean weekend. May I just point out that once that picture was taken I went off and filled my black bag with rubbish, where as you and Andrew chatted to Bill. Behold the evidence.... shame on you! x
You write so positively and clearly, it's almost hard to believe there's such darkness in your mind or that you'd ever have difficulty communicating.
ReplyDeleteAnd there's no such thing as too many gardening books you know ;)
I know I haven't talked about your depression before but I get an overwhelming nervous butterfly feeling in my tummy when I do. I don't like talking about depression anymore. I really feel for you on your down days. I suffered with depression in my 20's. For me normality was like swimming with weights around my ankles, often drowning. Feeling good was when I managed to tread water. I believe I trained myself psychologically, to tread water all the time, until now when I don't feel the effort of doing it. Bit like learning to run it is exhausting at the beginning but very gradually you get fitter and don't notice effort involved any more.
ReplyDeleteCarrie it is a battle and you will find your own way to tread water. It is all about the power of positive mind (and a whole lot more).
EB- You always have something nice to say, Thank you for commenting again, big hugs.
ReplyDeleteTash - Thank you very much for talking about it. It helps me so much to know there are others out there who understand and not only that, but they have conquered depression and continue to everyday. I feel extremely hopeless about my situation and hope to tread water some day to, I'm just so tired. x
I know that tired feeling. Don't worry... gentle positive progress. One step at a time. One day at a time... distract yourself with the joy of the Lottie!
ReplyDelete..and eat well. Carbs make you tired ( whatever they say about stored energy- crap) proteins and salad/veg much better for energy. And you'll have loads of lovely home grown soon! yeah!! x