It was supposed to be a wonderful surprise. I was going to shock you all and truth be told, shock myself. Today was the day I was going to go to Allotment alone and work for a while. Today, the last day of the month, it was a little private goal. This is my 600th post.
Well I went. I walked up to those gates and I walked down to my shed. I opened the door (for the first time as a person there on my own) and I stepped inside. The heavens opened. I sat down; Maggie was with me of course but the rain was blowing inwards so she got my coat. It was a little cold, there were lots of people in the first field I had had to walk past and to be honest I felt trapped. But I had my headphones on and Elbow was playing; the album was 'The Seldom Seen Kid', I had thought it very appropriate for my visit in terms of the name of course but also because that album never fails to calm and uplift me at the same time.
There were 2 heavy quick downpours and the place was soaked, good for the plants I guess but not so much for me and big surprise. After the second one I picked Maggie up, grabbed my little camera and took some evidential photos; we made it home just before the real rain truly set in.
I had a shower (there was slight panic = cold sweats) and now I am sitting here, in my room strangely feeling like a... winner. I know, you thought I was going to say failure, so did I, hahaha. But honestly; I did it, I went up there and I sat on my plot for 15 mins, I said hello to 2 people (in passing) and I got home again without calling anyone for help (though I really wanted to). I didn't totally suck today! And if I have one day like this every now and then, when I can open the door and step out without shame of being seen, without fear of bumping into someone, without shaking and stuttering, without that gagging reflex kicking in, well...
I will not say 'I have seen the light' but I have given myself a little pat on the back. I tried and isn't that what life is really all about?
It is very self indulgent to write this post and to actually publish it too but I want, no I need to be able to look back on this one day, this one day, when Carrie won. Okay, it isn't over yet but I did something, which to me was huge and at the time I didn't feel scared. It makes me cry (you know, shocked not-able-to-breathe type tears) to even write that now, but it's true, I wasn't afraid of being me.
P.S. Elbow's One day Like This...
http://youtu.be/0NFV8dHrZYM official video or
http://youtu.be/hk2xaeXnxlMwith the BBC Concert Orchestra and choir Chantage
P.P.S - It's half 3 now, I've been home for 2 hours and I feel like crap again. Isn't it just a well I wrote this down when I felt good? Life is a little cruel, eh.
xxxx