Shear Maddness

A new day literally is dawning, it's 6.30am and for some strange reason I am up and breakfasted and thinking of the allotment. Yes, it would appear I am obsessed, just a little, at the moment. I would love to asleep and tucked up in my warm cosy bed but no, here I am in the living room listening to the early morning lorries and the rain and writing to you. Mad I know.

Wednesday evening and most of yesterday was a horrendous time for me - I have suffered yet another 'episode' were life seems pointless, were I hear that voice in my head telling me I really ought to 'go', that I have outstayed my welcome at the party and that I shall never be happy again. It has been devastating and incredibly difficult, especially the periods were I just cannot speak or move and am simply rigid and elsewhere in my mind, lost. My own company has not been good for me and even now I am a little uncomfortable being up alone.

I am so fortunate that Andrew's job requires him to be out and about so he was passing the house yesterday and was able to answer my distressed phone call. Then after a meeting I was put in the car and taken with him whilst he visited a very old church site. He collected unopened ripe conkers for me; I love to prise that coat off them. We had a quick dinner on the way home and then went straight to the allotment together.

Although it was 7pm and the light was fading fast, it was the best place for me. Funny, it was cold and dull, the plots overwhelmingly overgrown and messy, but I felt more alive there than I'd done in days. I got out the hand shears and went bonkers - hacking and tearing at the long grass until I had a good sweat going (sorry ~ make that a lady-like glow of perspiration!). Large trugs of grass and weeds were removed and paths re-appeared :) Then I got down on my knees and weeded an old potato bed. This is great therapy for me - each weed removed makes me feel like a worry or a problem is being destroyed and thrown in the rubbish. It reminds me of Mary Poppins cleaning the childrens' room and settling in to her new abode, I love to really tidy up a big old mess. (Though to be honest I would rather be that gloriously eccentric man with the cannon on his roof, if I were to be any character in the film).

Admiral Boom

45 mins of good hard work and 2 paths were revealed, the bed cleaned and tidy, perimeter grass tackled and apples plucked. We have plans my friends, plans that involve us getting most of the fruit, not the birds and better use of the space we have; plans that mean I am going to push that little harder to go up alone; plans - plans make me happy.

So from frighteningly suicidal to being up at 6am thinking about those plans and wanting to go work in the dark and rain - what a difference a day makes :)