It was supposed to be a wonderful surprise. I was going to shock you all and truth be told, shock myself. Today was the day I was going to go to Allotment alone and work for a while. Today, the last day of the month, it was a little private goal. This is my 600th post.
Well I went. I walked up to those gates and I walked down to my shed. I opened the door (for the first time as a person there on my own) and I stepped inside. The heavens opened. I sat down; Maggie was with me of course but the rain was blowing inwards so she got my coat. It was a little cold, there were lots of people in the first field I had had to walk past and to be honest I felt trapped. But I had my headphones on and Elbow was playing; the album was 'The Seldom Seen Kid', I had thought it very appropriate for my visit in terms of the name of course but also because that album never fails to calm and uplift me at the same time.
There were 2 heavy quick downpours and the place was soaked, good for the plants I guess but not so much for me and big surprise. After the second one I picked Maggie up, grabbed my little camera and took some evidential photos; we made it home just before the real rain truly set in.
I had a shower (there was slight panic = cold sweats) and now I am sitting here, in my room strangely feeling like a... winner. I know, you thought I was going to say failure, so did I, hahaha. But honestly; I did it, I went up there and I sat on my plot for 15 mins, I said hello to 2 people (in passing) and I got home again without calling anyone for help (though I really wanted to). I didn't totally suck today! And if I have one day like this every now and then, when I can open the door and step out without shame of being seen, without fear of bumping into someone, without shaking and stuttering, without that gagging reflex kicking in, well...
I will not say 'I have seen the light' but I have given myself a little pat on the back. I tried and isn't that what life is really all about?
It is very self indulgent to write this post and to actually publish it too but I want, no I need to be able to look back on this one day, this one day, when Carrie won. Okay, it isn't over yet but I did something, which to me was huge and at the time I didn't feel scared. It makes me cry (you know, shocked not-able-to-breathe type tears) to even write that now, but it's true, I wasn't afraid of being me.
P.S. Elbow's One day Like This...
http://youtu.be/0NFV8dHrZYM official video or
http://youtu.be/hk2xaeXnxlMwith the BBC Concert Orchestra and choir Chantage
P.P.S - It's half 3 now, I've been home for 2 hours and I feel like crap again. Isn't it just a well I wrote this down when I felt good? Life is a little cruel, eh.
xxxx
Yay Carrie that's great! The rain doesn't matter, you were ace! Hope that is the start of a good weekend, Lauran x
ReplyDeleteReally well done to you. When it was our wedding anniversary in spurred my sister into doing something similar. She called a taxi and went to her small town centre. She went into the card shop and bought a card and then sat on a bench for 15 mins until she got a taxi back. So I do know how much a cause for celebration it is!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately she has difficulty walking far so couldn't walk there and back like you did but it was still a big thing to go out alone and be where people were. It's a pity she doesn't have a computer or I'm sure she would benefit a lot from emailing you. I'll show her your post when she is next visiting.
Aaaah Carrie, well done !! I hope you have many more days when you are a winner. Having had panic attacks years ago ( not anymore thank God!) and not being able to get out of my car in the town car park, not being able to go to the shops and then turning back and going home feeling defeated. So I truly know how you feel, so WELL DONE YOU !!! xxxxx
ReplyDeleteWhat you've written is not self-indulgent at all; it's a celebration of bravery and one which you're very well entitled to. We all need to acknowledge the personal triumphs more - and have them to look back on. (Been doing this for my son for years, every bit of praise or challenge conquered has gone in a scrapbook; if he ever thought he was "rubbish", I was able to bolster his confidence with proof of how great he is.) Well done, Carrie, a great step forward.
ReplyDeleteWhat an enchanting picture of Maggie, looking glamorous in (your) coat!
ReplyDeleteWell done for achieving your goal, inspiring stuff!
ReplyDeleteGo Carrie!
ReplyDeleteI like Elbow for allotment purposes too.
And Maggie looked so cute.
Well done
J
Well done! ....and boo at silly Irish weather!
ReplyDeleteCongrats all around, Carrie! For your 600th post, for getting to your goal, for not getting too wet in the rain, for getting it all written down.
ReplyDeleteWell done you!! That was a huge step and what was the worst that happened? You got a bit wet!
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel (different reason) and making a small step forwards feels great.
Put that CD back on and remember how you felt a few hours ago.
Thank you - it was a wonderful surprise :) Congratulations on storing up another great day. Have another pat on the back from me.
ReplyDeleteLife is cruel, but it can also deliver diamonds that make us feel a little richer.
Take care. Mo.
Carrie, you did great!! By the way, that cute little pumpkin that you captured? When you can, go back and gently, with a nail or other sharp point, scratch a little message, or, an "I love you" or even your initials and the date, and watch for it to grow for you!! This is better done a little earlier in the season, but if you have a little growing time left, you will gift yourself a little message!! Keep posting away! Lisa in KS, USA
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