Monday, 10 September 2012

Suicide Awareness Day and Nature

Today it rains, it's grey and dreary and it brings me to a bad place. I reflect too much upon the dark side of Nature and see sadness and struggle everywhere. Life is a desperate search for the light, for space and time to grow, pushing past others, using them to help you get where you want to be. Life is fighting off disease and death, but it is a foregone conclusion that everything that lives will die. So why try, why fight, why have hopes and dreams when control does not exist, everything is chaos?

Watch an insect for a short period and you will see it moving in such haphazard directions looking for food, running from predators, hiding from sight. There is no difference between you and it, you too are here for only a blink of Mother Nature's eye, trying to survive, to be happy. But I know I have beaten down at most turns, blocks have been set up in my path - it's all like a child playing with that insect, there is something bigger with the power, laughing at your actions.
But after a day of sleep and an improvement in my mood these thoughts can change round and life becomes incredible. In the incomprehensible vastness of space and time here we are, capable of thought, feeling and experiencing this, our little slice of being.

Do you think a plant or an animal cares for the future with aspirations and worries? I think they live in the moment never questioning it and just getting on with it. Yes our brains may give us the problems of over analysis and fear or the 'what if' but can't we just focus on the moment too? Living everyday we do lose a piece of ourselves, but most assuredly we gain so much more - who can put a price on love or indeed emotion of any kind? It's all a rich beautiful tapistry and should be in awe that we can feel anything at all...

So today it still rains so as the grass will be greener, the vegetables can grow, I can put the lights on and cuddle up to Andrew and Maggie, I can appreicate the crisp dry Autumnal days to come all the more and I can just get on with it, realising how bloody lucky I am :) ...

Today is/was Suicide Awareness Day, it's had an odd effect on me, making me think of those attempts, those bad times that sneak up on me regularly and take the feet from under me. But as is the purpose of these days, it had made me think and thank you for taking time to listen - it has helped so much.



  1. Carrie, you sweet thing, I love the way you write! Thank you for baring your soul to us, this is such an amazing present to all of us who are "too-much-thinkers"! ;)
    You are a brave girl and I love you!!!!!!

  2. I read your blog every time you post - but don't always have time to leave a comment. It was great to read that you felt so positive at the end of today.

    I was always told the February was known as 'Fateful February' as historically it was the month when most suicides happen. It's hard to understand that 'nature', the cosmos, and so many other outside forces have a bearing on our moods and feelings and even health. I have given up even trying to make sense of the 'puzzle' - it's so complex isn't it.

    It was really great to see you posting again so positively about your work on your allotment again - it's so rewarding when you see the 'after' photos isn't it.

  3. was for me also a day that started wrong, continued wrong, not enough sleep, too many Issues. But a morning of ripping out weeds ... an afternoon of catching up on part of my blog backlog. We'll get there. Your Maggie, and my Aragon and Chocolat snoring by the fire this evening ;~)

  4. Annuk - you sweet darling - thank you for your constant support, you really are too good for me, love you xx

    Lottie - thank you angel. It is all just a bit too much to comprehend so I am going to (try to) stop and just conentrate on being happy. Lots more before and after photos in the making :)

    Diana - ECOTHERAPY rocks eh? So glad you have pulled through today as well, sometimes it can feel like the loneliest place in the world, the most desolate place. in your own head. Cuddle you fur babies and may tomorrow be better from the start xxx

  5. Hi carrie I thought of you yesterday although I rarely visit garden blogs these days (too busy with my other blog) However I did notice this post and wanted to share this with you No surprise there then that antibiotics are helping patients you may also find my recent post of interest from two reknown medics. I am sure you will find this a very interesting concept and one I have discussed with you before.

    Happy allotmenting

  6. Sweetie thank you for popping into my blog .. I really needed your comments .. I have fallen off the path a lot lately. battling an infection that just won't leave .. a trip to ER with chest pains .. needing to get in my garden and do Autumn clean up to put it to bed for the winter.
    On one hand exhausted and only wanting to sleep .. on the other the optimistic gardener who bought a bag of 90 daffodils to plant in the front garden to *smile* BIG time in Spring .. my glass is half full most of the time but lately with illness it spills to the half empty side more often.
    BUT .. your writing is what I feel and you have spoken for me as well.
    Thank you sweetie : )


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