Thursday, 14 June 2012


There's a tree across the way, a tree that lived here before us. It's a boundary, it and it's friends, that shows the cut off from these new houses and fields that lay behind. This tree and it's neighbour are getting buffeted my the wind, they move and bend seemingly disproportionately to what the weather is actually like. Every time they sway I feel a little sick, I have a bad intestinal area today and it feels like the trees are a metaphor for the churning going on down there and the nausea in my stomach.

Laying here wondering when the next cramps are going to come or the next series of shivers, even though I am roasting to the touch, isn't pleasant. But let me tell you this - I don't mind being sick, conventionally sick. It's easy. Like those trees I can just bend with the forces of nature, take the beatings in my stride and people empathise.

Depression and anxiety are different. Every day I fight a series of battles alone, unseen and without the grace of these bending and swaying trees; which will come out unscathed in the end.

Why is it that I can openly tell you that I have diarrhoea and not feel embarrassed (this is poo we're talking about here - yuck!) when for 2 days and nights this week I was truly sick, hearing screaming in my head (auditory hallucinations) and I felt I had to keep that to myself. Why? I really needed help. On those days I'm that tree that crashes down but doesn't make a sound ~ there's no one to even hear it.


  1. Hope you are feeling well very soon.

  2. We would hear, if you told us. I do admire you for finding a way to live with double vision. That - makes me feel queasy just thinking about it.

  3. Sending of lots of hugs ((((Hugs))) Hope your feeling better soon both physically and mentally, your one strong Mrs. & tomorrow is always another day for things to change for the better.

  4. You do describe your feelings really well if only after the event. It is little wonder that many of the literary artists suffered from depression. Maybe if people talked more about how they felt we would all realise just how widespread depression is and that sufferers are by no means alone!

    I know people who suffer with depression and the world outside in which they travel are totally unaware that there is a problem - in fact they would never believe if if they were told.

  5. Jennifer - thank you, toda is a new day and I feel in a better place xx

    Diana - you are so lovely, I know you would hear if I just made a sound, it's just so difficult. I'm working on it though! xx

    Ann - you know I love you and today is better xx

    Sue - I know! I was so pleased at yesterday's talk in Parliment when 2 MPs got up and spoke out but the room was practically empty - it seems people just aren't interested enough. xx

  6. Oh my sweet friend, I hope you are feeling much better now!!!!
    And YES... well said Carrie, WHY is there still a taboo about talking openly about mental illness?????
    I met a lovely friend a few days ago, she was here visiting from England where she lives with her husband who is English. They used to live in Rhodes before. When I asked her how she is (I hadn't seen her in years), she said very openly that she suffers from severe depression and suicidal attempts... and I really appreciated her openness. This is the way it should be! I want to be able to tell people I have diarrhoea or dental problems or depression exactly in the same way!!!!
    Love you, Carrie!!!!!!


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