Tuesday, 8 March 2011

The barren soul

My heart is gripped in a vice; my mind is confused, addled and disjointed, thoughts come and go again like the ebb of the tide. I am not well.
The back garden is going on at a steady pace; the allotment lies there untended but with promise; there are stunningly beautiful, delicate blossoms on the cherry tree, now planted in her own raised, walled bed.  There is a random little tete-a-tete that has survived the housing development and is showing her bowed, shy, yet joyously bright tiny head in the midst of the trampled grass and dust of our equally tiny front garden.
But I can't even work out how to get myself from this spot to the cameras, from there to the leads and do the uploading, to show you these things that ought to be making me happy. But which are not.
I have hit a wall, fallen down a well, had a smack to the face with a large shovel. This morning I felt ok, good even but at 12.25pm I crashed and I can barely cope.
I don't know what to do. But I needed to talk, to cry out for love from this vast world so full of people yet so filled with loneliness. I guess I just want you to know I am here.


  1. carrie, you have said it yourself, you are not well, you are allowed to have ups and downs. just because you felt good at breakfast time does not mean you must feel good at tea time. use every support available to you. that includes those of us online people who have come to love the way you see the world and the way you write.
    am sending you every ounce of good feeling and strength that i can.

  2. ((((Carrie)))) sending TONS of love and hugs your way!!!!!!!!!
    Your Red Heart ring should be approaching... maybe it's over the Channel already? Can't wait to see it on your hand :)!
    Love you, Carrie!!! Just wanted to let you know....

  3. Hey, I'm new to your blog but just wanted to send some good wishes from over here in Gloucestershire and to let you know how much I've enjoyed reading through your blog history and seeing all your wonderful pictures.
    I hope today finds you feeling happier.... :) xxx

  4. We have tete a tetes out too - hope by the time the spring really gets going you will spring up too

  5. That sucks. Sending you warm e-hugs and hope the grey blanket lifts again.

  6. ...and still you came, to let us know you are still there... and here we are, listening.
    Take care, Mo

  7. When my oldest sister used to live in a little country town far away, she always phoned my mother on a Wednesday. Poured her heart out. I was left, saying to my mother, she needed to tell you that, she is feeling better now. And that sister is 16 years older than I am.

    So Carrie, I hope that you too, are feeling better! Oh and you promised us pictures of cherry blossom ... please?

  8. Oh gosh, Carrie pleases take care of yourself. Take it minute by minute and try to find even the tiniest bit of beauty or joy in the everyday doldrums. this, too, shall pass.
    Love to you!


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