MorningToday it rains, it's grey and dreary and it brings me to a bad place. I reflect too much upon the dark side of Nature and see sadness and struggle everywhere. Life is a desperate search for the light, for space and time to grow, pushing past others, using them to help you get where you want to be. Life is fighting off disease and death, but it is a foregone conclusion that everything that lives will die. So why try, why fight, why have hopes and dreams when control does not exist, everything is chaos?
Watch an insect for a short period and you will see it moving in such haphazard directions looking for food, running from predators, hiding from sight. There is no difference between you and it, you too are here for only a blink of Mother Nature's eye, trying to survive, to be happy. But I know I have beaten down at most turns, blocks have been set up in my path - it's all like a child playing with that insect, there is something bigger with the power, laughing at your actions.
EveningBut after a day of sleep and an improvement in my mood these thoughts can change round and life becomes incredible. In the incomprehensible vastness of space and time here we are, capable of thought, feeling and experiencing this, our little slice of being.
Do you think a plant or an animal cares for the future with aspirations and worries? I think they live in the moment never questioning it and just getting on with it. Yes our brains may give us the problems of over analysis and fear or the 'what if' but can't we just focus on the moment too? Living everyday we do lose a piece of ourselves, but most assuredly we gain so much more - who can put a price on love or indeed emotion of any kind? It's all a rich beautiful tapistry and should be in awe that we can feel anything at all...
So today it still rains so as the grass will be greener, the vegetables can grow, I can put the lights on and cuddle up to Andrew and Maggie, I can appreicate the crisp dry Autumnal days to come all the more and I can just get on with it, realising how bloody lucky I am :) ...
***Today is/was Suicide Awareness Day, it's had an odd effect on me, making me think of those attempts, those bad times that sneak up on me regularly and take the feet from under me. But as is the purpose of these days, it had made me think and thank you for taking time to listen - it has helped so much.