Tuesday, 6 May 2014

Eminent imploding brain

My brain is so very fragile that the last time I wrote anything here was last week and I couldn't even finish it. Even then the post was about days earlier and I was feeling down on myself for being so far behind. Well, look, it's taken a week to get to the point where I feel strong enough to open the laptop again!

Here is that unfinished piece.... 

"I'm getting tardy with my posts, or more like, there is so much going on that I simply can't keep up. I could write everyday but I think that would get a bit boring for you dear reader. Also my brain has slightly imploded over the last few days and I am having a hard time getting my words into coherent sentences; feels like I just need to sleep for a week.

So last Sunday we didn't get that long at the plots but we did try to get stuff done. Both of us were really tired and I was in a perpetual state of anxiety (which makes breathing difficult and this gardening almost impossible), but we wanted to be there. Cue - the planting of some root vegetables direct (two different carrots, turnips, parsnips and something); and me clearing out the long bed in the 14b of all it's left over weeds.

I also took a few excited photos of the potatoes and garlic which look so good thus far.

We are over run by seedlings everywhere here at home...

I made Rhubarb and Ginger Compote....(should give recipe, nicer than first one)
love and hugs "

So now today (or maybe tomorrow) I have a task; to catch up with life. If I don't record it then I have only darkness in my mind and nowhere to look to for encouragement as I sit here each day, alone with my destructive thoughts and the sound of screaming inside my head. Yep, it's not all strawberries and cream in my world and I'm not afraid to say that, I can't lie to you or myself. I am struggling, I have been for weeks.

I'll fight, I'll get my mojo back. 
Love and Hugs
Your Carrie

16 comments:

  1. Your tates are far better than mine, they were a little slow to start then the frosts nipped the leaves the other night. It's my first year and "learning curve" will be my excuse for everything. Your rhubarb and ginger compote looks lush xx

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    1. damn it - I deleted the first reply!
      Gardening is a constant learning curve, there are no hard and fast ways to beat nature at her game. I would think your spuds will be fabulous in the end xx
      The compote is delicious, I really must write up the recipe xx

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  2. I think it is a mistake to try and write about everything - no wonder you feel overwhelmed, Write what interests you or just post photos and let them tell the story.Your blog should never control you. You're the one on charge of it!

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    1. Oh I know, that's what my normal brain tells me but my sick one gets very black and white and 'I must', 'I should', 'I ought' etc - silly. I am in charge...ggrrrr xxxx

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  3. Oh Carrie, I'm so sorry things are so bad at the moment. But you're right, it will improve. Keep fighting sweetie. CJ xx

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    1. Feeling a bit better today my darling CJ, constantly fighting, I have no idea where I get the strength, all I know is I am constantly exhausted!
      Hugs x

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  4. trapped in a different limbo as we wait for our house to sell, but some other issues are getting resolved. There is light at the end of our tunnel, there is an end to our tunnel. Rhubarb makes a glowing compote!

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    1. Aahhh, moving house is so stressful, stay strong! There is of course a light at the end of the tunnel and a new adventure with your new garden :)
      It's tasty compote alright! xx

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  5. On sunday I walked out ony allotment plot after 9 years of gardening. I have been so successful in the past to win the best kept plot cup. My partner enjoys it alot but I do all the digging work. I found the rain since 2012 has made me so depressed & angry at the world. I ended up smashing my home up from the sheer pressure of the weather destroying all my hard graft on the plot. For me every time I was going to the allotment, I felt so angry & come away eaten up with bad feelings. I even ended up screaming at the sky over the constant rain. I still feel gutted I had to give it up but its the way the climate has changed. It was destroying me & it has made me feel like suicidal. For me the only option I have is to never go back to the place & get on with my life. Also I think the food in the supermarkets is top quality & it's all in ones mind that home grown tastes better because all the hard work to achieve even a measly few spuds. I also found spuds watery because the ground is far too wet. I am starting to recover from the 9 year ordeal of the soul destroying allotment. I am not religious but I even started hoping there is a god to shout at. I burnt bibles etc. Allotment gardening really ruined my life. So I feel peoples pain when they feel depression from gardening. I regret ever bothering to waste so many years of my life to just feel so alone & destroyed.

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    1. Telson - I am so sorry, I simply have no words. You are in my thoughts - I hope you have found something to replace the allotment that truly does give you joy and hope xxx

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  6. I love how you ended this post, "I'll fight, I'll get my mojo back." I've no doubt you will get your "mojo" back, but you may just need some time and rest. The blog will be here when you are ready and so will we:~) So, the order is BE GOOD TO CARRIE!

    The pictures are lovely, as usual and the compote looks YUMMY:~)

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    1. I am trying to be good to myself and taking lots of rest. We even booked a holiday for next month, something to hopefully rejuvenate ourselves

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  7. Carrie, so sorry to hear you're unwell. Your lottie is coming along beautifully. We've had a mix of sun, monsoon, sun, monsoon and the veggies are a bit confused, but seem to be doing well. Hope you are up and about soon!

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    1. Thank you xx Haven't seen the lottie in a week, the weather is so changeable and generally rainy and windy :( We have so many seedlings ready to be planted on but not in this weather!
      I am doing a bit more but still learning that sleep is my friend xxx

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  8. Thinking of you, take care and hugs. Flighty xx

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    1. love and hugs to you Flighty xxxx

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