We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

....though not me.

Things have hit a new low, I'm in a bad way and at the moment I am laying here full of sleepy pills waiting for Andrew to get home and watch over me - the little voice in my head is telling me it's time to say 'goodbye cruel world!'. I may come across as glib but it isn't funny at all and is in fact very frightening.

I still haven't been to the lottie nor do I really give a damn, which when I see it written down like this is a wake up call in itself. I haven't even taken a photograph in almost 3 months. I'm just not right. Though it's not as if I get a hell of a lot of encouragement from my best pal Maggie - she doesn't do rain, hates, the cold and after 20 mins of lottie time without being tickled and fawned over she fakes shivers. Honestly - drama queen!

Oh I can talk the talk if that's what you want. I can tell you that the splendid Mamma G was here last night for dinner and we had a gorgeous meal - all non- lottie stuff though :( However she took one of our huge Jack O'lantern pumpkins home and we're getting pumpkin scones - never had those and I love a good scone, me.

I could tell you how at the market I was praising lotties and growing your own to everyone who looked at a print of mine that had something to do with our plots or produce (of which there are a good few) but it was all an act, frankly I sort of missed the fact that my voice wasn't gone anymore and I am all better from that flu.

*****

I moved  the majority of our gardening books into another more easily accessible bookcase on Friday. I love to see all those spines and think of all the wonderful words and pictures, the effort and love that went into producing each book. I adore the older ones with detailed line drawings and some advice that all gardeners would choke over now, just as much as I love the new books, bright with computer aided design and amazing photography. But I haven't picked up a single one; I feel somehow I don't want to be here next spring anyway.

Of course I will be here next Spring, unless I get run over by a bus, struck by lightening or spontaneously combust - I'm just so bloody stubborn I don't know if I could will myself to death at all!

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Andrew was at the lottie for a while yesterday and I had 3 hours on my own at the market, it was the first time I'd tried it alone and I coped :) He was really pleased to finally get the weather and some time to work on the Broad Bean bed; sowing some directly into the soil and others into modules. Maybe its that special joy of seeing seedlings poke their tiny vibrant green tips through the soil that I am in need of, a bit of hope.

Like this popular photo that makes some people cry

'Hope in his Hand' - taken at the allotment on the day of the first pea sowing last year.

I'll write again, Andrew has plans and you deserve another one of my (even though I say it myself) truly excellent plans of the plots detailing what needs to change.

Hugs xxx