Monday, 28 November 2011

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

....though not me.

Things have hit a new low, I'm in a bad way and at the moment I am laying here full of sleepy pills waiting for Andrew to get home and watch over me - the little voice in my head is telling me it's time to say 'goodbye cruel world!'. I may come across as glib but it isn't funny at all and is in fact very frightening.

I still haven't been to the lottie nor do I really give a damn, which when I see it written down like this is a wake up call in itself. I haven't even taken a photograph in almost 3 months. I'm just not right. Though it's not as if I get a hell of a lot of encouragement from my best pal Maggie - she doesn't do rain, hates, the cold and after 20 mins of lottie time without being tickled and fawned over she fakes shivers. Honestly - drama queen!
Oh I can talk the talk if that's what you want. I can tell you that the splendid Mamma G was here last night for dinner and we had a gorgeous meal - all non- lottie stuff though :( However she took one of our huge Jack O'lantern pumpkins home and we're getting pumpkin scones - never had those and I love a good scone, me.

I could tell you how at the market I was praising lotties and growing your own to everyone who looked at a print of mine that had something to do with our plots or produce (of which there are a good few) but it was all an act, frankly I sort of missed the fact that my voice wasn't gone anymore and I am all better from that flu.
I moved  the majority of our gardening books into another more easily accessible bookcase on Friday. I love to see all those spines and think of all the wonderful words and pictures, the effort and love that went into producing each book. I adore the older ones with detailed line drawings and some advice that all gardeners would choke over now, just as much as I love the new books, bright with computer aided design and amazing photography. But I haven't picked up a single one; I feel somehow I don't want to be here next spring anyway.

Of course I will be here next Spring, unless I get run over by a bus, struck by lightening or spontaneously combust - I'm just so bloody stubborn I don't know if I could will myself to death at all!
Andrew was at the lottie for a while yesterday and I had 3 hours on my own at the market, it was the first time I'd tried it alone and I coped :) He was really pleased to finally get the weather and some time to work on the Broad Bean bed; sowing some directly into the soil and others into modules. Maybe its that special joy of seeing seedlings poke their tiny vibrant green tips through the soil that I am in need of, a bit of hope.

Like this popular photo that makes some people cry
'Hope in his Hand' - taken at the allotment on the day of the first pea sowing last year.

I'll write again, Andrew has plans and you deserve another one of my (even though I say it myself) truly excellent plans of the plots detailing what needs to change.
Hugs xxx


  1. Carrie,

    Sounds like things are tough. Hang in there, things do change and for the better if you simply breathe.

    (Happiest Days Designs)

  2. Three hours on your own at the market. That is a HUGE step for Carrie!

  3. Sweet Carrie, be strong (you ARE!!!!!!), this is going to pass.
    I'm looking forward to seeing more of your work soon, and I still have in my mind your lovely, happy post where you were writing about wonderful things you did, saw and accomplished! These moments will come again soon!

    PS: WHY WHY WHY don't we live closer to eachother? I would so love to do the Markets and fairs together, it's so much nicer with a friend, and I feel a bit shy, so your experience would be precious!

  4. ... and I find your choice of that touching photo "Hope in his hand" so positive and full of good vibes!!!! You have that positivity in yourself, sweets, never forget that!

  5. The market on your own is an absolutely huge achievement.

    Remember to think of Maggie - she needs you!

  6. Thinking of you, take care! Flighty xx

  7. November is a difficult month. Its dark and getting darker. But we are in December now and soon, very soon the days will start to get longer and brighter. Even though you are only 'going through the motions' and feel it's all an act - that's ok, its better than doing nothing. I really wish I could leave you nuggets of happiness. You are so lovely and have a huge heart.
    Lynda xxx

  8. Sorry you are not feeling great at the moment. I love reading your blog. Congratulations on your time at the market. Give yourself a pat on the back for that achievement and try not to think about what you are not doing. Easier said than done (I should try following my own advise LOL!)
    Be gentle with yourself and take care.


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