Thursday, 3 November 2011

Do you believe in plants?

I desperately need someone to tell me that the ionic Phoenix and the idea behind one rising from the ashes of complete annihilation is true. I am in the pits of Hades my dear reader and have been there for a few weeks now.  I can't even see a sliver of light at the end of this, the longest darkest tunnel imaginable. I'm just taking each breath as it comes.

My depression has spiralled down, almost out of control. I am sure I need not spell it out to you; I have been in the darkest of places and thinking the worst of thoughts about life and the end of it. I tell you this not because I want to shock or gain your attention and love; I tell you this because I received a beautiful email today from someone I don't know, thanking me for writing honestly about my problems. It may sound odd to you, but that email has made me feel real and something of some small value. I thank that person, wholeheartedly x

I have to be honest, it is my way. No amount of Ecotherapy can help me at present and the world outside is been just a dark, grey place, barren of life's wonder and miracles, barren of love, of hope, of purpose. Today I watch the birds with mild interest but it's only to stop me looking at the state of the house and I have taken up my (imaginary) pen to write, to communicate with the world. I hope there is someone out there. I haven't felt this scared to publish a post before.

I am just like that little cherry tree in the garden, buffeted by the wind and swaying dangerously. If it wasn't for that stake in the ground, that support it would never have lasted this long. There is one blossom on it, one little tiny dirty pink dot of hope. I missed the bigger show, my eyes blinded by my emotional disorder.

I don't know where I am going with this, my mind is very confused these days. I think I just wanted to talk, I think I just needed to write this down, write about how I could see the allotment in hell recently and damn all seeds and soil improvement and even blogs. It all sounds like nonsense, this whole Ecotherapy thing. Maybe that is what you think too, I hope, in time, we both rise from the ashes and see the bigger picture.

Until then...namaste.


  1. Oh Carrie xx even at the lowest of the low you are just so eloquent and can express yourself so well xx I don't really know what to say apart from how much I love you xxx

  2. You will feel good again Carrie and like a caterpillar emerge from your dark chrysalis and become a butterfly again.

  3. Yes we are here. We are listening. We are reading what you write. And yes we share your pain, and admire you for being able to share it with us.

    I wish that I could carry a little virtual part of your burden. The phoenix is my father's family crest. I have a 'real' one engraved on an old watch case which has been passed down through the family!

  4. Thinking of you Carrie. This will pass, as it has passed before. And all the wonderful things that happen in between these episodes - the allotment, the photography, the crafting, the yoga - will bring you pleasure again. Lauran x

  5. I so appreciate your honesty too and I wish you all the best, Carrie *hug*

  6. Thinking of you, take care! Flighty xx

  7. No matter how dark your days always seem to rise above it and write beautifully! You show so much strength and we are all so very proud of you!

  8. Sweet Carrie, I really admire you for the amazingly CLEAR way you are able to describe what depression is. This is for true a contribute to the world and a great help for people suffering and thinking they are alone!!!!
    I'm so proud of you, Carrie! :)

    This is going to pass, even if you can't even think or imagine that you will ever see sunshine and light again, you WILL!

    Please never EVER forget: even though it's you who is carrying this burden and going through this ordeal and we can only imagine what you are going through, you are NOT alone!!!!! Andrew loves you, Maggie loves you, and we all LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
    Love you Carrie, stay safe and warm!
    Sending TONS OF HUGS your way!!!!!!

  9. Carrie sweetie
    I'm so sorry you are going through such a period of hell. Writing about it is a good thing and you won't scare the people who admire you so much for being so truthful about how life or lack of it can feel for you. Keep writing and keep hanging on because it is true .. this WILL PASS ! .. I know .. I have been there and I am still here .. and you are going to be too.
    Take care and stay HERE !
    Joy : )

  10. My plot really helps me when i feel like that Love and rainbows to you xxx


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