tilling the soul

'Think of your breed; for brutish ignorance

Your mettle was not made; you were made men,

To follow after knowledge and excellence'

- Dante 'The Divine Comedy'

I am in turmoil; immemorial days pass me by, so long in their passing and so quickly forgotten as they hold little or no value. Each day follows the next and as I try to grapple for some meaning some way to make it seem worth while I instead become more lost and exhausted. I am an intelligent being but my own mind is slowly poisoning me and I fear that no resolution is to be found. The future, the past, everything is grey and the 'here and now' is only bearable as it lasts for but a moment at a time. Surely this pain in my soul cannot last forever? Surely there must be a time when there is a Spring in my life, sunshine pouring down on little old me, beauty that lasts in my memory and fills my heart, not just my portfolio of photographs.

A friend last night told me I needed to talk, to not hold in these feelings, I don't know what good it will do as I have been told that talking therapy is not right for me; trying to find the answers is futile. In fact I now try to live with the mind set that I seek not to understand, but Man is not made like that is He? We are made to search for knowledge and meaning - to strive for excellence. Well my reader - I am failing, I am failing in the most glorious way - a major fireworks display of inadequacy for all to see.

I write this not for pity, but for catharsis... no one need comment - I just want need to be real, not hide behind the fact that none of you can see me on a daily basis - that the Carrie you 'know' is the Carrie that is a fighter and how wants to connect with her fellow man, but not face to face - I couldn't bare to have you look at me.

Strength is elusive, I can only hope that it will come with the daffodils, that the warmth of the Sun and the longer nights will trigger something deep in my primordial psyche and I shall raise like a Phoenix, if but for a season. I wish I could believe that. For now I leave you and simply look about me in this new study that Andrew and I have created for me to feel safe.

I have photos of his work on the garden to share. I shall return later and we can all forget about this post, but for now, if you have 'listened' - thank you. I needed to cry but I can't, so instead I write.