I desperately need someone to tell me that the ionic Phoenix and the idea behind one rising from the ashes of complete annihilation is true. I am in the pits of Hades my dear reader and have been there for a few weeks now. I can't even see a sliver of light at the end of this, the longest darkest tunnel imaginable. I'm just taking each breath as it comes.
My depression has spiralled down, almost out of control. I am sure I need not spell it out to you; I have been in the darkest of places and thinking the worst of thoughts about life and the end of it. I tell you this not because I want to shock or gain your attention and love; I tell you this because I received a beautiful email today from someone I don't know, thanking me for writing honestly about my problems. It may sound odd to you, but that email has made me feel real and something of some small value. I thank that person, wholeheartedly x
I have to be honest, it is my way. No amount of Ecotherapy can help me at present and the world outside is been just a dark, grey place, barren of life's wonder and miracles, barren of love, of hope, of purpose. Today I watch the birds with mild interest but it's only to stop me looking at the state of the house and I have taken up my (imaginary) pen to write, to communicate with the world. I hope there is someone out there. I haven't felt this scared to publish a post before.
I am just like that little cherry tree in the garden, buffeted by the wind and swaying dangerously. If it wasn't for that stake in the ground, that support it would never have lasted this long. There is one blossom on it, one little tiny dirty pink dot of hope. I missed the bigger show, my eyes blinded by my emotional disorder.
I don't know where I am going with this, my mind is very confused these days. I think I just wanted to talk, I think I just needed to write this down, write about how I could see the allotment in hell recently and damn all seeds and soil improvement and even blogs. It all sounds like nonsense, this whole Ecotherapy thing. Maybe that is what you think too, I hope, in time, we both rise from the ashes and see the bigger picture.