The lost long weekend

I fear the allotment may think I have abandoned it, poor thing. The bank holiday weekend we just had ought to have seen me there with my gardening gloves on and my hands busy in weed pulling and seed planting. Alas it was not to be as my mental health took a terrible nose dive and I was lucky to see the sunshine through the half drawn blinds.

Mental breakdowns don't care if the weather is stunning and you have hopes and made plans. Mental breakdowns suck. They leave me exhausted beyond words and so utterly depressed that my body just can't do a thing and I end up so frustrated and angry that any energy I did have gets burned up and I am left with sleep as my only option! Arrghhh.

So instead of tending my plot I slept. Andrew managed to get there for short periods whilst I was 'busy' sleeping and it is looking quite good. It's a miracle!

I am so glad I used a Saturday a few weeks back to plant up my tiered flower pot stand, these babies have given me hope and joy every day. Yesterday I managed to drag myself out of the house to the back garden and sit by them for a while - a little burst of ecotherapy goes a long way.

I SHALL see my plot this week at some point, I miss it and I miss being able to share the goings on with you.

But already I have been outside today with my camera and as soon as I am finished here, out I shall go again and get me more Vitamin D 😊

Hopefully I shall write again soon
Your Carrie x

Hadrian's Wall Path (Part 2)

Day 3 of hiking was lovely; the birds were singing, the temperature was warming up, we saw many a lamb and the blossom on the trees was stunning. It was like a fairy tale, and my love for Cumbria was cemented. I have nothing but good things to say about that day and we treated ourselves to a trip off trail to the Lanercost priory cafe, saw the first real parts of the Wall and even came across a young lad's enterprising snack stop. It all ended in a stay at one my favourite Inns, just over the border, in Northumberland.

Day 4 was different, very different, though not to begin with. We had a hearty breakfast and though very cold (1 degree), the day was bright and good for walking. It wasn't long until we hit Thirwal castle but then it really wasn't long until the first set of 'crags' ever. Crags are evil steep ups and downs and from a distance they look like waves in the landscape with shear drops down the left hand side.

After Walltown came Cawfield crags and a break - boots off, tea and lying down. Then it became majorly poop!! Between here and Windshield Crags I began to lose it; I was hating life, disassociated, unable to speak, to focus my eyes. My bad shoulders and neck were not being helped by all the pain medicines in the world and the tears were gathering.

Who was I trying to impress? I had been pushing myself far too hard over the past days and now it was all catching up and overwhelming me. Goodness sake I spend most of my life in this living room! Well now was the time to gather absolutely everything I had and we walked, up hill, slowly and continued on to the highest part of the whole damn walk. NEVER have I been so glad to see a trig point and in the distance a little hamlet - there be beer!

Oh boy, I shall never understand how we got through that day but I do remember the taste of victory in a local brewery/pub when it was over. Then we caught a bus to our next hotel and I slept, it was like Odin sleep, haha.

Much love
Carrie x

So it's like this

Always look for the happy

I can barely talk never mind read or write when I'm going through a really bad patch in my mental health. The confusion and forgetfulness about even the smallest things such as how to have a shower, eat or follow a story line on TV is so upsetting. The self hatred and anger towards myself is overwhelming and very destructive. This has been the story for the whole of last weekend, well, the very tip of the story.

Mental illness is like a cancer, utterly destructive, exhausting and invisible to others bar the side effects.

Luckily, with a lot of support, sleep and zero activity I have slowly crawled out of the monstrous depths.

If I may, let me explain a little further. I have chronic depression, acute generalised anxiety disorder and BPD. Which means I get anxious and depressed over nothing and frequently hear screaming in my head and sometimes mumbling voices. I'm paranoid often and completely doubt myself in everything I do.

And top of that there is the issue of my permanent double vision. The confusion, head and back aches and oh yes, every step could cause a fall or injury. I can't even safely go out alone.

That's the tip of my ugly truth iceberg. Boy do I feel exposed and vulnerable right now.

But give out, give up, give in? No WAY, this is, for better or worse one stubborn girl right here and I WILL keep showing up for myself.

Hugs
Carrie

A new dawn....

I had hopes. They weren't high, they maybe weren't based in reality, but still I had hopes. I have survived another Christmas and here we are in a new year, a brand new and sparkling 2018, first of it's kind.

my hand drawn journal title :)

Already it's a mess; Andrew and I have feeling yucky with a flu-like cold. My mental health is at an all time low. Toby is bored out of his little mind and we're had to cancel our trip to Berlin next week. 😢

Yay isn't this a great start to a new year?

Truly we ought to mark our front door with a big X and keep all other people well away. Oh and it's 5 am; I've been up since 3 am....

.... Ever have a much needed sleep and felt worse for it? Andrew and Toby seem to have bought a one way ticket to Snoozeville but I'm awake and am jealous of them both, I got half an hour there.

Oh, my lovelies this maudlin attitude is not good but to be fair this is a blog of truth so maudlin I am.

BUT

I thought I'd share our Damson gin success (this is only 1 of 3 bottle fulls!) and a super wee book Andrew bought me - 'The Almanac' by Lia Leendertz (available in all awesome bookshops). Both are lovely and will last the whole year, haha.

delicious damson gin (a little goes a long way) and a great wee book

Goals for the year (aside from getting better) are -
* much more hiking (though a trip to the kitchen there almost broke me, haha) as we are going on another long multi day walk. We're doing The Hadrian's Wall Walk this summer.

And
* Allotmenting lots - yes, the hope is a lovely allotment year to also share. Less work - more produce is the key, ummm but how?

**********

Now I return to my blankets and my book. I'm so tired (hence the eye mask) but can't sleep and there is a small dog here looking my attention.

A good book, tissues galore, blankets, eye mask and laptop

love and hugs
Carrie x

like tears in the rain

Today marks the anniversary of Toby's adoption  - he's been with us a whole year!

I think it's also very apt that it's world mental awareness day for without this bundle of fur, this sock stealer, I have a feeling I wouldn't be here.

Right now he is in his daily daytime position - squished up against me and sleeping away (with one eye open, in case there are strangers outside). He knows I'm a mess - I haven't showered yet and talking is hard and playing is too energetic - yet he loves me anyway. Though to be fair, I'm the only one here and I do gave immeasurable amounts of hugs, kisses and scratches behind those ears. 

Toby loves life, lives it fully and with such enthusiasm but he also knows how to sleep, to rest hard. He never has shame in asking for attention and has no qualms about giving and receiving all the love. He lives in the now, forgives with grace and snores without shame!

He gets me up everyday when all I want is to hide under the duvet. I open the blinds for him to see out and I step into the world (briefly) a few times a day to make sure he, umm, toilets.

He's the glue that holds me together until Andrew comes home from work. And then the fun and giggles can really begin.

**************

I'm just one of many many people out there whose thoughts are turned towards World Mental Health Day today. I sure as heck don't feel good today, but in honour of all those for whom even writing a blog post is just too much - please support those in need.

Be an ear that listens (no judgement!), a shoulder to cry on or a mate that just treats their ill friend just the same. All of which Toby does in his wonderful and unique way xxx

Love
Carrie

#worldmentalhealthday

900th blog post

I'm starting to feel stronger, just a little and I know it's fragile but (and maybe this is the wine talking) I want to enjoy the small victories.

In with that in mind - it's my 900th blog post and that ROCKS for someone who battles each and every day to get up and even brush her teeth, never mind get dressed, or ever put make up on. I fight with myself and I think that so far, with help, I am winning - I'm still here and I'm not self harming 😇.

So I am going to allow a moment of celebrating myself - I have put up the WEGO health awards endorsement badge, they made me one, so... If you can be bothered, you can vote for me as a new comer to the patient helper category..... *wink wink*

This is just a quick hello, a reminder to you and myself that I WILL keep fighting and I WILL do what's right for me and not be ashamed that I don't live up to others' or my own true expectations.

Best wishes and love, hopefully I will soon share some awesome photos of my recent Ecotherapy experiences...

Carrie
x

When you've lost your way

My mental health has taken a downward spiral and I'm really not coping this days, these weeks, these months... I want so much to be 'normal' to enjoy the great experiences I've been having recently with Andrew (and Toby) but depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder aren't things you can just forget to pack. I need to remember that, I need to recognise my illness and I need to stop, take off all the pressures and accept help.

I am of the opinion that all of us are slowly eroding away who we really are. I mean it; it's not just those of us suffering poor mental health. I believe we are all caught up in an EVERYTHING NOW way of living. It's got to stop or at least we need to become more aware of it.

Let me explain...

I was recently nominated for a WEGO Health Award, under the 'Patient Leaders' category for this very blog. I was nominated last year too but to be honest this time, it mattered. I haven't even a clue who WEGO is but good God, I was thrilled to be nominated and now the endorsements have opened up, it seems so very important that I get at least one backer. Quite frankly it's pathetic and embarrassing but it's raised a huge mirror up and taught me to look deeper at myself.

* Do you live life with a smart phone within your reach all the time?
* Do you hate it when you can't get online for a period?

Networking Icons from Freepik.com

I'm placing my worth in other peoples' hands. I've always done it; I have such a low opinion of myself that even as a child, I wanted to be perfect. Now that I haven't succeeded in finishing my tertiary education or have a job, that need to be valued is sort of, very poorly, being met by strangers 'hearting' an Instagram photo or a Tweet, or this blog. Constant little boosts of my ego and I'M HORRIFIED.

Ironically our bodies and minds know exactly what is best for us - those hikes and picnics in the middle of nowhere, reading a great book, naps, simply laying on the beach and being with loved ones and friends.

What's going on?

It's like that feeling most often attributed to Mondays and getting back to work. The sudden increase in heaviness and utter exhaustion hits and simply moving seems a Herculean task. I'm home from my holidays over 9 days ago and still.. I simply can't.

I can't stop sleeping all the time; fearing the housework that is being neglected; worrying that the dog needs more playtime from me. I can't stop feeling so empty and depressed, uninterested in life and just wishing I could hide until it's all over.

Plus, the world has become a scary, unstable place to match that which is in my head. My mental health has had a referendum and decided to truly co-ordinate and gang up against - trample any good thought or feeling I may hope to have. It's a nightmare of depression, anxiety, panic attacks and utter confusion all day, everyday.

Sorry friends. I have stories and many glorious scenes to share with you from our wee trip to Tenerife. Toby is delightful and I must update you. Plus the snowdrops are still coming out and though no hope has been felt in their white flowers this time (and the fact that the patch is spreading), there are many things planned for this spring that I ought to be excited about.

I'm still here, still fighting and will write soon.

It's going to be OK, right?
C x

Wabi-Sabi

**********

Life, I just don't 'get' it, why is it so hard, so painful, so full of angst and disappointment? There's something in me that constantly wants it to change; the struggles are too great (and as my personal troubles are in my brain, no one can truly free me from that consistent fight), and the beauty, hard to find. I need a break, I think we all do.

The allotment called to me last Saturday and I answered; longing to find answers, peace, anywhere I may find it. Andrew and Maggie were happy to have me around and I took things slow, even stopping for tea and a snack along the way.

24a - left side and right :)

wild flowers from the hedgerow and time for a break

I couldn't help but tackle some of the worst areas. Yes, you know where....14b. I spent an hour clearing big weeds, some taller than me and many stronger too. It did feel good to make a difference and now the little squashes are going to get more light and room and nutrients. They best taste good!

before and after - squash patch 14b

Sad thing is I know that the next time I go back there is much more of this battle with nature to come. It just keeps coming, I just keep ultimately losing. Oh and of course there's the anxiety and depression to continue fighting whilst I'm there. It feels like I live life as though I'm walking on paper thin tissue paper; always the fear of the fall through and the fall out.

Good things did happen. Andrew pruned the gooseberry patch and the Echlinville apples were finally tided up; the espaliered nature of them is so pleasing to the eye. I know for certain that I felt good being useful for a while. And there was no one else there, just lots of birds, some sweetly singing, many squawking.

Consulting the Dr. and getting the espaliers done right!

I got to harvest the first of our blueberries, and red gooseberries, ha! - All for us and not one for those pesky pilfering, no good birds. Years, it's been years since we had any but the fruit cage has worked wonders and it's almost too much, haha.
Anxiety did take over, naturally. Strong feelings of paranoia and of just shear embarrassment at being me and outside of the house. That saw me going home but Andrew soldiered on :)

**************

I don't know where I am in this world, a seed poorly nurtured, grown up deficient in what it needed and now, an imperfect plant with so many problems that if you had me in your garden or plot, you'd have no hesitation in ripping me out.
Thank goodness Andrew sees through that, maybe he loves the challenge of growing and helping me, maybe he sees beauty in the ugly. I'm just so thankful for him (and the delicious harvests). xx

Yours
Carrie x

When you're going through hell

...keep going!

April the 4th was the last time I had anything to do with the allotment. I haven't even been in the vicinity of the place and I didn't plant one single seed this year, not one. I barely even think about the plots and don't feel guilty about it either.

I was given a new extra medication to try in March of this year and by the middle of April I was ready for the hills; it simply didn't agree with me and conversely, all that it was meant to help with, it made a lot worse.
Self harm has become a 'normal' everyday desire and suicide often seems the logical solution to my pain. In short, times have been epically bad, we're talking on a biblical scale and Andrew and I have just barely pulled through.

Now there's a little green light at the end of that monstrously long tunnel of despair. I'm starting to catch glimpses of it, at long last, though they are few and far between.

The last couple of days here in glorious Carrickfergus have been sunshine-y and though it doesn't fill me with glee I am pleased to see the healthy plants in the garden (bar the absolutely dead Acer) and interested in the first wisteria buds on the vine.

I know Andrew will get my bum to that allotment soon and with hope I will be able to return to blogging and connecting with you, my gardening friends.

Wishing you all the very best
Carrie

Held Captive

Yesterday I had the crazy idea that maybe I could walk to the plots alone and have a look and come home. It would be about a 20 min adventure. I've done it before (a lifetime ago) so why, especially when I actually wanted to see the allotments did I not go?

looking through the peep hole at the world

I got washed and dressed, walked downstairs and came to the door. Ah, the door. For me this beautiful piece of thick painted wood, covering an opening in the wall of my home is impenetrable even with keys to the lock in my shaking hand. Before it, I shrink and like some sort of weird Alice in Wonderland plot line, I can't get to any potion that can make me bigger and stronger again.

This door is hot lava, it's a yawning crevasse, the highest and sharpest mountain. It simply towers over me and I am held captive on this side with fear. So back to the living room I go and into a book to escape real life.

I am desperate to get moving and pruning and planting and weeding and tidying and building and seeding. But I must be patient, I need someone to help me go through, get past, that door.

Love
Carrie

Saving our sanity

Arrrghhh! 14b is really messing with our heads and it's all just a bit much. We finally broke last week and had to make a decision...we are covering half of it in plastic or some such material and focusing only on the cut flowers, raspberries and gooseberries this year. So well play 14b, well played.

The darn gon' freaking weeds are just too much to handle and I swear that plot is the major breeding ground for, oh let's say, half the known slugs in the world! We are miserable every time we look at it and I just seem to waste hours every weekend in there battling with some really stubborn mutant dandelions the size of my head and grass, grass growing everywhere. It's cleared one day and they're back the next. On top of this the soil is terrible no matter how much we improve it with compost, manure, grit etc.

****** Its a freaking money pit! ******

So more love and attention is going to given to 24a and I think in the end we won't renew our ownership of the other half plot when spring comes around again in 2015. That's just how we feel right now. 14b I think we shall have to part next year, you take up too emotional and physical energy from us.

To be honest we are having differences in our lookout on the allotment means to us. This year particularly,
* Andrew is NOT enjoying the plot, he believes himself to be so far behind with everything, complains about the soil, the weather the way the seedlings aren't growing right, the fact that we have every pest there is and the pigeons, do not get him started on the pigeons! Then again he is the gardener and does the majority of the work.

* Me, I'm proud of it. I am proud that we are in this for the long game and aren't thinking along the same paths as so many young people today - we don't need to have it now, it's not like some video game, we aren't doing this to gain fame and fortune. I have wanted to be there more often this year than the last 3 years put together, I've even been by myself! I can work for an hour or so alone as Andrew drives off to collect supplies and guess what - I haven't completely freaked out. It's pretty much been the only consistent thing that gets me out of the house.

Yes I see all the problems and I do lament the loss of seedlings and 10, 10! marigold plants over night. I don't like slugs, aphids or cheeky birds eating my food. It's hard work for me to get myself there, I often don't enjoy it and feel often like giving up bar the fact we have spent so much money on it and of, lordy,..so much time.

But it feels meaningful to be growing our food. I don't know that I would have anything to do with my life if I didn't have those days of taking photos and working the day away, putting what energy I have into this blog... It helps save my sanity.

It's Friday, we ought to be happy, sorry..

I did this last Saturday on 14b all  by hand as we don't have any petrol strimmers or lawnmowers....

saved the blackberry and rhubarb from so much grass

Beautiful produce - chives, gooseberries, blackcurrants plus new dahlias and roses in place

Much love and best wishes to your plots and gardens friends!
Carrie xx

Our urban oasis

Yesterday was one of my worse mental health days for a very long time. It's left me exhausted and upset and truly looking back I can't believe I got through it - but I did, just. So I am very thankful that this is a long weekend and hopefully there will be plenty of fun to be had and yesterday can be forgotten...

I started putting these photos together before the world collapsed around my ears and to honour myself I am going to continue with the post I had planned....

********

So, I'm being a little improper and boastful here and am going to talk about our wonderful hideaway of a back garden. Over the last fortnight it has really started to show what it's capable of and we are so looking forward to more to come as the summer progresses. It is truly becoming what we envisioned - a secret, calm hideaway filled with lush greens and soothing to the soul.

• A fortnight ago we were saying our goodbyes to the tulips and I felt rather sad...

* awww look at them, they did so well and made me smile every morning
* hey, it's Maggie. I would imagine she's angry at me as it looks as though she's just had a bath
* the Virginia Creeper is taking off
* I love ivy!! there was lots at our wedding but this is getting out of hand... plus happy Camelia :)

*******************

• A week ago we sat out for the first time with a glass of wine after a little pottering...

* Awww what a cute Maggie pic - she was feeling good in the sun
* One of those joyous moments that makes gardening worth it
* Just love the way wisteria stems wrap around themselves so tightly
* Ivy has mostly gone, replaced by Buddha

********************

• Yesterday morning the weather was simply too glorious not to take photos (even without any hayfever tablets!), though going right round to the tea garden was a bit much.. 

* Left side as you step out - the beech hedge looks so happy and healthy now, the tulips are gone, water feature cleaned out and working again and look at that Virginia creeper!
* Japanese maple looks it's best so far, our lovely big stepping stones, the Virginia creeper need it's wires lengthened, hoorah!

* the right hand side of the garden and the Norway Maple is such a stunning colour, the box hedges growing and getting fluffy and the bamboo doing great bar one or two branches
* the star jasmine is truly starting to take over and is so healthy (we want it to be vigorous at it has a big blank wall to cover), it reminds me of our honeymoon

Hugs and love; today shall be better.

Carrie 

xxx

(pt2) Three day weekend - Thanks St. Patrick

Sunday 16th March ~

We've never done any of the twee and commercialised stuff to do with the St. Patrick's holiday and with an allotment now, we always have our own plans. Belfast has a crazy big St. Patrick's Day parade on today but, no thanks, it isn't even the big day. It amazes me how everyone else around the globe seems to make such a big deal of it, green everywhere (St. Patrick's colour is blue), four leaf clovers (lucky in Irish but he is identified by the three leafed, normal clover) etc. Plus where did this need, this urgent need to get drunk come from? Is it a diss on what it means to be Irish??

Ahh, sure.

We had FIRE! There was a lot of deeply rotten, moldy and diseased wood around our two plots, coming on 6 years that is bound to be the case. We really didn't want it near to the precious soil and new life we were cultivating. (Fear not, there are still piles of wood and slates etc for bugs, but this stuff was bad.) It needed to be eradicated and though it lots like a huge angry fire, that's just due to close ups and there wasn't any wind and Andrew was by it at all times and what I am trying to say is - this was needed and we were safe about it. It was also beautiful :) The middle picture shows all the dead stalks from the Jerusalem Artichokes too, so great too tidy that area up and it really bolstered the fire. (I contributed them)

Along with this going on, I was on 14b and having a very emotional reaction to the cherry tree bed. That's not a sentence I ever thought I would write, haha. Maybe it was due to the horrendous low I went into late on Saturday night, maybe it was because the cherry blossom is my moniker, but this bed needed my full attention and love.

Written in shed, in notebook ~ 'I can't quite explain it, it was therapy, there were too many emotions. But I suppose, chiefly amongst them was the need to get rid of that crap; clearing out, destroying it - it did something similar for my soul. I didn't want to give up'.

I have a sense that turning this mess around and making something productive and beautiful with it will do me no end of good. It's going to be an 'easy maintence' half plot with fruit trees, bushes, rhubarb and asparagus in it - things that like to be left alone. Plus it is where my cut flower border is going to be and I am serious about this time, really good dahlias, roses, echinacea, sunflowers, poppies etc, flowers that make my heart sing and will brighten the home too.

Just a little example of what I was talking about in the last post - getting those blasted weeds out by the root and all :) Squeeee - it makes me happy.

This is more the thing that gets Andrew to squeeee inside. A man's well rotten horse manure and compost bins are his Kingdom! Haha - Though, honestly this stuff has been fantastic and not a single whiff of anything nasty :) Is it wrong to love horse poo and kitchen scraps so much??

So this was the state of things at the end of day 2 around our plots

Maggie in a 'I've got a bit of biscuit suck in my cheek' pose ~ 14b coming on nicely, check out the path :) ~ dead gnomes

Plus we decided to take a dander before leaving - there wasn't anyone else there, we had the place to ourselves again! The council has put in a bridge and path to connect the local community to it's community centre, just above our plots. The path isn't great but the bridge is fab - cool idea!

The Conservation Volunteers know how to lay a hedge ~ catkins ~ hubby xxx ~ pretty flowers on a bush planted in the hedgerow ~ daffs in the hedgerow ~ me ~ the new bridge

And so endth the second day of the long weekend's gossip
love and hugs

Okay, the truth

I hope I have made it really clear that I try to do my gardening as a form of therapy (which I call allotmentherapy and my Dr's have started calling it that too; next stop the Oxford English Dictionary! hehehe); it's a way in which to connect with nature and overcome my depression and anxiety even for a little while. However it is not a panacea! and hasn't been working for me at all recently.

That's why on this blog, you don't get an awful lot of super useful advice about when and how to do this or that, and what varieties of fruit or vegetables are the best (I think that would be very impertinent of me anyway, as you're soil and climate conditions would be different to mine). The joy is finding out what works for you and sharing our trials and tribulations and indeed our successes!

Well the last time I wrote I indicated that I was having problems and since then those problems have gotten worse. Our allotment gardens are so neglected, so huge, wind swept and honestly, just depressing. That is, they are to me and have been for a few good weeks or, let's be truly honest here...months. I haven't even been reading other blogs on gardening never mind thinking about this one for which I have so much love. Andrew has been the one going and trying to stay on top of harvest gluts and bolting veg whilst also trying to guide me through this deeper period of depression. Poor guy.

So today I went. It was damp and empty and we just about got some jobs done before the sky starting crying (lol). Harvesting, composting the sweetcorn, now finished, and a general tidy up. I think that hour was enough for me and I could not cope being on 14b, the sooner we move things out of there and just train our focus on one half plot, the better.

Super quick update
Our kidney bean shaped bench had been stolen :( But the Green Beans are still going strong (I'll talk about them in another post), the parsnips look really healthy, the amount of squashes is smashing, we are getting blueberries (praise be to Zeus, finally) and raspberries and our apples, plums and pears are all....weird (like secret underground layer genetic experiment kind of weird!) Everything else is just ticking along super-ly apart from some of the chard which is bolting but c'est la vie....

I really need to take many more photos but, I guess it will take time...

I've been through these periods many times before and I bounce back so I hope you will stay around and maybe even say hello. A huge thank you to those of you who have sent private emails too! I have been waiting for the right things to say but as each day goes by and I still don't feel quite myself, I fear I have become rude...

Namaste friends and may you be having a better time than me and fond memories of the summer just passed.