900th blog post

I'm starting to feel stronger, just a little and I know it's fragile but (and maybe this is the wine talking) I want to enjoy the small victories.

In with that in mind - it's my 900th blog post and that ROCKS for someone who battles each and every day to get up and even brush her teeth, never mind get dressed, or ever put make up on. I fight with myself and I think that so far, with help, I am winning - I'm still here and I'm not self harming 😇.

So I am going to allow a moment of celebrating myself - I have put up the WEGO health awards endorsement badge, they made me one, so... If you can be bothered, you can vote for me as a new comer to the patient helper category..... *wink wink*

This is just a quick hello, a reminder to you and myself that I WILL keep fighting and I WILL do what's right for me and not be ashamed that I don't live up to others' or my own true expectations.

Best wishes and love, hopefully I will soon share some awesome photos of my recent Ecotherapy experiences...

Carrie
x

What's going on?

It's like that feeling most often attributed to Mondays and getting back to work. The sudden increase in heaviness and utter exhaustion hits and simply moving seems a Herculean task. I'm home from my holidays over 9 days ago and still.. I simply can't.

I can't stop sleeping all the time; fearing the housework that is being neglected; worrying that the dog needs more playtime from me. I can't stop feeling so empty and depressed, uninterested in life and just wishing I could hide until it's all over.

Plus, the world has become a scary, unstable place to match that which is in my head. My mental health has had a referendum and decided to truly co-ordinate and gang up against - trample any good thought or feeling I may hope to have. It's a nightmare of depression, anxiety, panic attacks and utter confusion all day, everyday.

Sorry friends. I have stories and many glorious scenes to share with you from our wee trip to Tenerife. Toby is delightful and I must update you. Plus the snowdrops are still coming out and though no hope has been felt in their white flowers this time (and the fact that the patch is spreading), there are many things planned for this spring that I ought to be excited about.

I'm still here, still fighting and will write soon.

It's going to be OK, right?
C x

Coming and Going

It was yesterday I thought of them. I knew where to look of course and under a fine layer of dead bamboo leaves I found them. Sweet, fresh green harbingers of Spring. They have burst forth from the darkness and exude hope, a reminder that warmer days and longer days are coming and we can make it through this cold, dark, dank period. We always do. But for someone like me, whose brain is heavily fogged with depression and confusion and all matter of clutter, the sight of these snowdrops is a powerful annual sign that I too can make it through another winter, another period of suffocating darkness.....

This is only a part of the hidden cluster you must walk around the tea house to get a glimpse off, but the effect is so magical. I look forward to them growing taller and flowering; that almost blinding white is forming inside.

It's a times like this that a William Peter Blatty quote always comes to my mind. In the midst of reading his book - The Exorcist, there are moments of pure reassuring peace amongst the horror and evil. This is one quote that truly lifts my spirits every time I read it and hope it goes down well with you....

It is also times like this that I wonder about the allotment and what jobs might need doing. It's fun to think of all the trees and bushes over there that look so dormant but are really working hard to rise the sap and withstand the cold. Soon there shall be buds on their branches and the joyous cycle begins again.

Not a great photo - sorry.

Already the rhubarb is growing strong and we have one crown under the forcing pot for that special treat of extra sweet branches. The beds are mulched with lovely compost and manure, no seaweed this year as it's just been too blasted cold to collect any. Andrew has already done a lot of pruning. I would like to think the garlic is poking through now too, but the weather is just too poor to go and check.

This month is truly for dreaming and planning; thinking about optimising your space, noting where raised beds need fixing, timbers replacing, looking at seed catalogues and remembering what worked for you last year. Enjoy! In no time the hard work shall begin.

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I'm off on a holiday this week to the sunshine and other-worldly beauty of North Tenerife, time to take a break from the everyday and go climb a volcano or two. I look forward to the many different plants I hope to see, the incredible black sand beaches and the blue sky. We're booked into a small place in the middle of nowhere with hiking trails all around....

Hugs
Carrie

Wabi-Sabi

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Life, I just don't 'get' it, why is it so hard, so painful, so full of angst and disappointment? There's something in me that constantly wants it to change; the struggles are too great (and as my personal troubles are in my brain, no one can truly free me from that consistent fight), and the beauty, hard to find. I need a break, I think we all do.

The allotment called to me last Saturday and I answered; longing to find answers, peace, anywhere I may find it. Andrew and Maggie were happy to have me around and I took things slow, even stopping for tea and a snack along the way.

24a - left side and right :)

wild flowers from the hedgerow and time for a break

I couldn't help but tackle some of the worst areas. Yes, you know where....14b. I spent an hour clearing big weeds, some taller than me and many stronger too. It did feel good to make a difference and now the little squashes are going to get more light and room and nutrients. They best taste good!

before and after - squash patch 14b

Sad thing is I know that the next time I go back there is much more of this battle with nature to come. It just keeps coming, I just keep ultimately losing. Oh and of course there's the anxiety and depression to continue fighting whilst I'm there. It feels like I live life as though I'm walking on paper thin tissue paper; always the fear of the fall through and the fall out.

Good things did happen. Andrew pruned the gooseberry patch and the Echlinville apples were finally tided up; the espaliered nature of them is so pleasing to the eye. I know for certain that I felt good being useful for a while. And there was no one else there, just lots of birds, some sweetly singing, many squawking.

Consulting the Dr. and getting the espaliers done right!

I got to harvest the first of our blueberries, and red gooseberries, ha! - All for us and not one for those pesky pilfering, no good birds. Years, it's been years since we had any but the fruit cage has worked wonders and it's almost too much, haha.
Anxiety did take over, naturally. Strong feelings of paranoia and of just shear embarrassment at being me and outside of the house. That saw me going home but Andrew soldiered on :)

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I don't know where I am in this world, a seed poorly nurtured, grown up deficient in what it needed and now, an imperfect plant with so many problems that if you had me in your garden or plot, you'd have no hesitation in ripping me out.
Thank goodness Andrew sees through that, maybe he loves the challenge of growing and helping me, maybe he sees beauty in the ugly. I'm just so thankful for him (and the delicious harvests). xx

Yours
Carrie x

April, tea breaks and garlic planting

April was crept up on me from no where! I'm in shock. It's probably not helpful that I forgot to get us a nice new house calendar at the start of the year - I'm constantly lost. Okay, I do know April comes after March but woah, hold on a minute, I was only getting used to it being March; it just doesn't feel April-y to me, not so much the 'drip, drip, drop, little April showers' and more buckets of rain and hail!

Except for these utterly glorious moments of blue sky, chill air and uplifting sights of yellow daffodils :)

As a born overachiever I worked my self into the ground on Tuesday and Wednesday at the allotment. I only stop when I get really dizzy or simply can't breathe any more. It's not right and its not clever and so Andrew bought a new stove and kettle and we now can have tea/coffee breaks. I love my hubby *blush*

Also, I am trying a new additional medication and it seems to be slowly killing me, so I do have very legitimate reasons for truly not knowing my limits at the moment. Funny, I despise being ill, I am so very frustrated by the illness itself and the bloody medications and their side effects. For all my bluster and positive messages about Ecotherapy and such, I just want to sleep, I'm tired fighting.

so shiny :)

Tuesday saw the planting of our garlic! What joy is beheld in such, the beginning of a new season, hands in the soil with a nurturing intent rather than a ripping out. Andrew had to plant out the garlic into modules this year as the ground was so terribly wet, but that was back in January and now it is a good bit better. So it was wonderful to see these healthy babies being placed in their new places of growth.

Here they are approx 6 inches apart in rows a foot apart - good luck little guys!

Planting out the garlic seedlings

Over on 14b I am still, yes still, trying to tidy up; my goodness every weed on earth seems to be deeply embedded in the ground over there! Plus I finally got rid of the torn and tattered tarpaulins and lots of empty gravel bags - goodbye blue blight! But I tell you the forest area is killing me! Though I am happy to say that I have done a lot more than the following 'after' photo shows. We shall have finished paths someday!

before and after pics of the slow but steady work on 14b

After this it rained, it poured, it was almost biblical and we could have been washed away in our shed - though we would have had tea and coffee....

And that, my darlings is you all caught up :)

We haven't been able to go over since Wednesday as Andrew has been diy-ing here at home, laying a new and beautiful wooden floor. I have been reading a lot, yoga-ing and fiendishly hoarding any and all toilet rolls for some of my fussier seeds.  Maggie has been sleeping :)

I'll have a look at the seedlings etc for next time and record how everything is going.
Hope you are all seeing the changes of the season and gaining happiness from the lighter evenings.

Hugs and love
Carrie x

Held Captive

Yesterday I had the crazy idea that maybe I could walk to the plots alone and have a look and come home. It would be about a 20 min adventure. I've done it before (a lifetime ago) so why, especially when I actually wanted to see the allotments did I not go?

looking through the peep hole at the world

I got washed and dressed, walked downstairs and came to the door. Ah, the door. For me this beautiful piece of thick painted wood, covering an opening in the wall of my home is impenetrable even with keys to the lock in my shaking hand. Before it, I shrink and like some sort of weird Alice in Wonderland plot line, I can't get to any potion that can make me bigger and stronger again.

This door is hot lava, it's a yawning crevasse, the highest and sharpest mountain. It simply towers over me and I am held captive on this side with fear. So back to the living room I go and into a book to escape real life.

I am desperate to get moving and pruning and planting and weeding and tidying and building and seeding. But I must be patient, I need someone to help me go through, get past, that door.

Love
Carrie

Day 2- Ecotherapy and anxiety

Lo and behold my friend! I went back to the plots for round two on Sunday, which was another fabulously blue sky, super dry day. Two days in a row at the allotments after 6+ months of absence and boy did I put my nose to the grindstone, toil in the mud and ultimately... bedazzled!

Before and After of the two large asparagus beds - check out the wee box hedging plants; on day they will be a wee hedge

Both half plots are looking transformed and if only there had been a few more hours in the day, they would be looking perfect right now. We worked so hard I marred my back, knee, neck and hand, hahaha. But hey, we were out working with and surrounded by nature, plus Maggie was there :)

Zen Maggie at the Plots for the first time in 6 months :)

Andrew's incredible transformation of 24a has been captured in a flip book style of photos (he's very clever!) Bask in his glory by clicking the link to his Instagram :)

https://www.instagram.com/p/BCTDi2MsGIU/?taken-by=gaulta

*****

OK. A lot of what I say about my time at the plots is bravado. I do not find it in any way easy and take sedatives before I go and sometimes even when I am there as well. I am constantly checking my back, checking on where Andrew is and am always aware of who else my be on site and hence alert to every noise they may make. If a person walks in the direction of our plots I am the one suddenly needing to get something from the shed, whilst muttering under my breath for the ground to please swallow me up.

At home the panic sets in for a while, the exhaustion and anxiety spilling out and accordingly I end up be-swaddled in my blanket on the sofa.... It doesn't get easier the more I do it, I'm just a determined fighter and know there will be good times for the memory banks.

Really, I abhor talking about myself in so personal a manner but I want to make sure no one confuses the messages I'm sending out. Yes I am an advocate for ecotherapy BUT it is not a panacea, the illnesses don't go away.

The true joy comes when I look back on my disaster-free time there and that's why I revel in my before and after photos, those little notes I take and the hugs and kisses from my amazing hubby and my cute-as-a-button wonder-dog.

Anyway, I'm off to read a book...

Happy St. David's Day!

baby daffodils for St David's Day :)

Love
Carrie

First Contact

I feel I have been so long away from my once cherished blog. I was held back, denied the access to think straight or care about the lottie by the deepest, darkest, depths of depression and consistent anxiety; I'm still fighting it, who am I trying to kid. It will be with me all my days and learning to cope and continue to fight is my only way forward. So forward we go.....

** Yesterday The head gardener took a day off work and we had a great wee time together; I love those sort of days, they feel stolen and thus more fun. We decided that our National Trust membership, which had lapsed, need renewing and we did it so easily online and then, went off to Rowallane Gardens.

Sadly the weather turned on us and flipped into heavy rain, so no garden explorations :(  However, when you have a really talented potter on site (Mark) and a cafe, you can cope, believe us! Retail therapy...

Matt's (the resident potter) studio AND the items we have that he artfully created

*****

And now, the allotment! - my first visit since sometime last September.

So I did it, I bloomin' did it! Here, a photo to prove it to myself and the world; if you follow me on Instagram you'll have seen this posted in real time, as soon as I got there. I was so nervous/excited.

There was much to be done and still much more, haha. We are doing the Charles Dowding 'No dig' approach this year so there was very little hand forking even (it's my favourite hand tool, weep).  If you have an exceptional memory you'll remember I reviewed his book on the topic in 2014 and now we're converts.

I write this as I lay blanket swaddled on the sofa exhausted from hard work and anxiety. Andrew dropped me off and then back for a little more! and to tidy up but wow, we got a lot of clearing done in those 2+ hrs. Pictures speak louder than words as they say :)

We had the whole place to ourselves which was great for me but also criminal! It's been THE day we've all been waiting for - the perfect Lottie day with no rain or wind though it quickly got frickin' freezing once it turn 4.30!

Andrew has been working away on this plot every now and then (proud wife) and the well rotted horse manure that he is mulching with is glorious, sexy stuff :)

Two wheelbarrows and two trugs of clearing done (that's just me) and a traditional subway sandwich - it looks like we're back! Next time I'll take my 'proper camera' and not just rely on my phone *blush*

Happy plotting, love
Carrie

A rant and calming pretty pictures

Today is La Tomatina in Valencia, Spain and, as with every year, I feel my heart breaking at the wastage of all those beautiful red tomatoes in a world were we had an aphid apocalypse in our greenhouse and too many people are truly starving to death or have illnesses like scurvy.

Yep, I'm a spoil sport and I hope everyone who takes part in the festivities today gets hit - whack bang!, in the bum at least once. Damn it.

Deep breath

So I've been ill again for a while and to be honest I still am and the exhaustion accompanying it has had me sleeping whole days away. For you though, I have imbibed much coffee and here we go with a calming post of all those photos I just haven't got around to sharing; I'm also hoping that this will wake up my resolve to get the lottie and use my new Fiskers SmartFit pruners and bring some more flowers home ..... I also have a new book to review on flower arranging crafts so...

forget-me-not

mushroom

climbing french beans

Blackberry bush is covered in fruits = fingers crossed; it's us against the birds!

White Cosmos - I love them so

last handful of mangetout

white cosmos, white dahlia, yellow dahlia, pink rose, yellow poppies, red poppies

little red peppers (some have dried tomato flowers petals on them)

Right, I did it, I wrote a wee post and now the whole idea isn't so daunting! I shall be back soon with more photos (I hope to go to the plots this evening) and reviews :)

Much love
Carrie

Honestly...

My levels of anxiety are at fever pitch these days. It's pretty much continuous until I fall asleep, exhausted. I do take sedatives but they only make it slighter easier, in that I don't scream or punch things (myself included).


So the very fact that I was at the allotment at all this past week is somewhat a testament to my bloodymindedness, my grit, my moxie. I have worked every day and though my contributions may pale in the sight of Andrew's, in a way they are that much greater.

I am free and easy to write about having chronic depression and acute chronic anxiety. But did you know that if you were sitting here beside me I wouldn't be able to speak at all? If I even tried it would be so quiet, so mumbled you wouldn't hear me. On those rare days like today when I can write, I can express myself and feel like I am actually talking to someone, it feels a little less of a lonely life. But you don't see the fear in my eyes, you don't see me shaking as I type.... 

But enough, I am a fighter and you shall metaphorically 'hear' me roar this coming catch up week.....

Oh, I have stories from this Easter week, my friends! Stories of great progress made on both the two half plots (24a and 14b), that there are loads of seedlings in the greenhouse, that we have been eating produce we've grown, of Maggie's continued cuteness and the revelation that I built a bench! 

I shall write about them all with joy in my heart and I do hope you can spare a moment to share in the journey with us.

Love and hugs
Carrie

Our little seedlings

I just don't know when to stop. Even after I wrote and hit 'publish' on my last blog post; I felt compelled to go outside and take photographs, put a load of washing on and make compote. Then in the afternoon I wrote rough drafts for the next 6 posts, and got some photos edited for them..... then 'had to read' yet ready for yoga and so......collapsed.

To be honest the rest of the day was a mystery, though I did love Forrest Gump being on. Today I have barely moved from the sofa - yay I got up out of bed though!! - and have 'just read' all day. Though my mind has been muddled and confused and I seriously look like a mad lady!

Why do I strive so vehemently when I'm obviously so ill?

Sorry. I needed to get that out, say it openly and publicly. Listen to your precious bodies and minds my friends.

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** The Gault nursery as it stood yesterday..

 Andrew's homemade cold frame - housing geraniums and broad beans at the moment

 Roses - Reine de Violettes and  Silver Jubilee
 Two Beetroot types (Chiogga) and  (Golden) Celeriac, Purple Sprouting Broccoli

 On the window sill - Sunflowers (this is 2 weeks after planting!), Zinna (Jazz)
 Tiny Rudbecki (dwarf mix), our clever light reflector ;)

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** The back garden in happy vignettes....

So much green and happy growth!

Hugs and love
Your Carrie

P.S. Almost all my Dahlias are sprouting now :) 'Golden Wonder', 'Bora Bora' and 'Pom Pom'

A loveliness of Ladybirds

It's Tuesday and I'm still feeling a bit anxious with leftover panic from Sunday's visit to the Allotment. Don't get me wrong, nothing horrendous happened...there were no clowns nor a plague of locusts, a twister did not lift up my shed and deposit me in Oz etc. No, I simply took the worst panic attack and it didn't go away until, sort of, this morning.

As an advocate for Ecotherapy and in my own made up word of Allotmentherapy, I find this quite the let down. But as I remind others, so I must remind myself.... Ecotherapy is not a panacea for mental health problems.

I believe my panic began with me getting just what I wanted....new allotment members in a big friends and family gathering getting an over run plot back into order. I mean, really, it was a joy to see. However it also put me on high alert...I had to talk and be friendly and it was all too much. I went into overdrive to make these (somewhat glorious warriors) feel a community spirit existed, and it was just too much.

Reminder this bed? I worked really hard to get it finished and cleared then realised I hadn't been breathing and nearly fainted.

Andrew managed quite a bit with clearing our soon to be squash/asparagus area and got pooped too. Our trip home for coffee ended me shaking and terrified to go back.

The vast population of ladybirds couldn't even draw me back. There are so many this year, this is just 2 out of approx 8 I saw without searching for them! Pure joy :)

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Today is beautiful so I'm going to take photos of how gloriously well the seedlings are doing, all over the place and share that joy with you. Plus I have designs on making a sweet rhubarb compote later.

* For now it's all about remembering to breathe and ordering my hay fever medication- why??!, cruel, merciless, sadistic pollen, why do you torture me so!???

Love and hugs
Your Carrie x

Something inside so strong...

...(or maybe in my case, just stubborn and foolhardy)

I was out again, yesterday, with Maggie at a much later and busy time (2pm), with workmen all about and many cars on the road. Oh and there appeared to be a startling amount of people in the car park at the allotments too. We walked up to 'that sign' and then in a haze of terror, we walked on a few 100s of metres to the community centre. My goodness I was sweating profusely and in a not ladylike manner at all! I was so terrified I barely remember coming home. I think having a good smartphone with a camera and music saved me - it distracted me.

With me it's all push, push, push! And now I am exhausted, scared and slightly scarred. I think it shall be a while before I attempt it again.

BUT ~

What a glorious day it was! Sunshine and blue skies and washing hanging outdoors. I went out into the garden (after a shower and smelling pretty again) to take these photographs of our newest purchases, seedlings doing really well and potatoes chitting like there shall be no tomorrow :)

Broad Beans (Aquadulce Claudia), there are 5 beautiful shoots so far. Two new Dahlias - 'Bishop of Llandaff' and 'Mary Evelyn'

And lastly those spuds (we added a new one too)

(Left to right) Kestrel,  Saxon, Pentland Javelin 

Well my lovelies, that's all for now. I must go now and cut Maggie's hair - she will probably hate me for the rest of the day, or until she gets a few biscuits :)

Hugs

The prodigal daughter returns

I made my return to the Allotment yesterday, the famous phrase of 'be the change you wish to see in the world' on my mind and the beautiful music of Elbow in my ears. I was calm, I was ready, I was back; Carrie was back.

The paths had been cut, what a blessing, as I was able to walk to my plot without fear of falling or worse - falling onto something I couldn't see in the long grass. Andrew was with me, it being lunch time and I was so glad as the panic did set in but with him there I was okay. It calmed down quickly enough and soon I was alone. Alone for 2 hrs! It flew by.

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The shame now lays entirely in our hands - the paths cut, it is easier to see just how the weeds have taken hold of our plots. Oh how I needed to get stuck in :) I would be there today too but for the rain and that thunder earlier and plus, I'm excited and want to write this down before I lose that sense of achievement.

I did a lot more work than I have photos for but this gives a general idea. No weed was left unpoked and prodded and I even broke a tang off the hand fork in one attempt - I got the blighter in the end! I've heard Baking Soda is a good anti-weed defence so I'm going throw a load of that around the patio bit and see if it works (I'll let you know). Goodness knows I don't use the stuff in the kitchen; I never bake unless it's Christmas *blush* and even then.....

So I did some beds too and under the bench but these photos are from when Andrew joined me after dinner - we are a power house team! Maggie naturally oversaw the works and later ended up right up close to the fire - see she wasn't working hard enough, I was warm alright!

This was a mess, more than you can see but what a sense of achievement and the red/blackness - that's weed suppressing membrane and some old carpet. The 'after' photo is shaky and dark but I was shaky, you'll see why in a moment and it was dark :)

Then I had the privilege of digging up the very last of the early spuds. It was going really well right up to the very last potato which exploded in my hand - boke! It was runny, like a fresh egg and smelt so disgusting that Maggie tried to get away from the area but her lead stopped her and I tried not to throw up everywhere (we had company at that point see). I did naturally take a photo of it - had to share the complete horror :)

It was dark when we left - Andrew had been working over on 14b (that is a scary weed infested place I am just too delicate to tackle at present) and also cut the grass with our crappy little push mower (blisters on his hands poor thing).

I'm tentative when I say this.....I'm looking forward to going back. Plus I have so much more to share with you about harvests and lots more photos :) Yep, I'm back :) woooo hoooooo!!!!!