The lost long weekend

I fear the allotment may think I have abandoned it, poor thing. The bank holiday weekend we just had ought to have seen me there with my gardening gloves on and my hands busy in weed pulling and seed planting. Alas it was not to be as my mental health took a terrible nose dive and I was lucky to see the sunshine through the half drawn blinds.

Mental breakdowns don't care if the weather is stunning and you have hopes and made plans. Mental breakdowns suck. They leave me exhausted beyond words and so utterly depressed that my body just can't do a thing and I end up so frustrated and angry that any energy I did have gets burned up and I am left with sleep as my only option! Arrghhh.

So instead of tending my plot I slept. Andrew managed to get there for short periods whilst I was 'busy' sleeping and it is looking quite good. It's a miracle!

I am so glad I used a Saturday a few weeks back to plant up my tiered flower pot stand, these babies have given me hope and joy every day. Yesterday I managed to drag myself out of the house to the back garden and sit by them for a while - a little burst of ecotherapy goes a long way.

I SHALL see my plot this week at some point, I miss it and I miss being able to share the goings on with you.

But already I have been outside today with my camera and as soon as I am finished here, out I shall go again and get me more Vitamin D 😊

Hopefully I shall write again soon
Your Carrie x

The cat is out of the bag

The sun is out, by Zeus, the sun is out! 

I was just outside with Toby and we both just seemed instantly happier; *disclaimer - we were both asleep 30 mins ago and I awoke rather glum and still feeling defeated. BUT the back of the house gets the sun and all the song birds and it's almost like heaven out there. So here I am writing at the dining table (that never happens), surrounded by bits of vacuum cleaner and rubber gloves etc supposed to be doing housework - but stuff that!

I have no news from the weekend - it was a minefield of mental health disasters and I stepped on every one. BUT today I received a 'Buddy Box' in the post - Andrew keeps surprising me with them - and it was full of things so pertinent to what we are up to next month that I have decided to spill the beans.

We are walking The Hadrian's Wall Path, all 84 miles of it!

It's going to be a huge challenge and I am trepidatious at moment alright, but we are doing it, one step at a time. It's all been arranged for months now and as the days draw closer we are building up our walking, mid-week and hopefully every weekend from now on.

Andrew knows the route, every twist and bend, every pub to stop at along the way, the large Roman sites and even the emergency exits if I can't take it any more. He has even sorted out my wardrobe for me and has the days planned so there is plenty of time for resting and letting the old brain take it all in, and the double vision settle a little.

We are doing this for ourselves, it's our Summer holiday but I would also just like to put it out there that I would like very much to raise some money for The Blurt Foundation along the way. In time I will have a 'go fund me' page and if you have a spare quid (dollar, euro etc) it would be phenomenal if you could help me out. 

Blurt is not associated with any religion, government body or charity - it's just an awesome social media movement that aims to help everyone learn and understand about depression and other mental health issues in a friendly and empathetic way. It has helped us so much this past year and especially me. It empowers me to practice self care, to not be so damn ashamed all the time and to speak my truth.

Oh I have so much to share with you about the path, our plans, our kit etc. There will be a lot of beautiful hiking days to blog about before then though and I guess I need to focus on that first!

Love and hugs

Carrie

P.S. We have our seed compost at the ready and shall be getting started soon - eeek!

Snowdrops have superpowers

I went outside yesterday {sort of} by my own volition and did some clearing up, brushing the deck and clearing away fallen branches and millions of leaves. All due to the power of the Snowdrop clump.

Toby likes to run round to that hidden area of the garden to have a hearty sniff and pretend he's being a good boy and doing his morning pee pees, but yesterday I followed him to make sure he 'went' and THAT is when I saw them.....glowing ethereally in amongst the detritus. They are the happiest part of February, don't you think?

Hours later and with the air a fraction warmer and the sky still bright I was drawn back to them (via my bedroom to put on lots of layers) and tend to them as they justly deserved. Here, friends, is a photo of HOPE, literal hope.

Once I got my photo a massive panic attack had hold of me and that was the day ruined but you know, it was worth it.

Today I look at the meaning of February to me - yes, I'm Northern Irish so the Celtic Imbolc celebration does matter to my soul...I would like to cleanse the earth at the allotment by walking around it with a candle (or traditional flaming torch) but I'm not that much of a hippie. Instead, in my mind I have cleared the site and will consult Andrew on drawing a new plan.

Love and hugs
Carrie

P.S. We have 6 more pots of snowdrops 'Galanthus' for the front garden waiting to be planted.

Small victories

Victory No. 1 
My computer is fixed and I didn't totally freak out when it decided to pack up in the first place!

Victory No. 2
The gauntlet was thrown down on Monday to my anxiety and I planted up some pots for the back garden. Yes, after a good year of not planting anything due to an irrational fear that I'd do it wrong and kill anything I'd touch - I have overcome. (Need more to fill it up nut all in good time.)

Soil under my fingernails, terracotta pots emptied out, cleaned and reused. I have been feeling rather like a green-fingered gardener - let's hope they survive or my pride will take a darn good beating! haha. The tiny thing on the bottom shelf is some mint I am trying to grow - we'll see...

We have :

Sanvitalia 'cuzco' yellow 

Bacopa 'snowflake'

Osteospermum 'special fire'

Osteospermum 'pink'

Wee bit of mint

Allotment news from the weekend and hurrrip, more small victories :) 

Victory No. 3 
The first harvest! Spuds ahoy my friends; come on over to our house and have a nibble, haha!

Ok, as these photos prove, we were a little too excited to see how the potatoes were doing and harvested these ones a wee bit too early. But there were lots of a good size and I like them small, plus sometimes you just need some instant gratification.

You can see on the top right photo that some were fingernail size, haha. But we were happy and I could easily put up that harvest photo up on my desk 😀. The used potting compost was placed as a nice wee mulch around the growing dwarf french beans.

Victory No. 4

As soon as we arrived at the plot I scared off a bird that was sneaking in amongst the gooseberries. Ggrrr, as much as love birds, that food is mine and I've already had a battle with the sawfly larvae! So it was time to deploy the netting and now the blueberries and gooseberries are much safer. Of course the blighters have been known to get in away but hey, we've done something.

The gooseberries are so close to being ready but the blueberries are teasing me and have stayed this shade of glaucous blue for weeks now - I want to eat them! I'm going to get new recipes for both berries, any that work really well, I'll share x

The garlic looks ready to lift too - it's all starting to happen.

Victory No. 5

I just wanted to show you how happy the sweetcorn and squashes are. It'll be a long time until we eat any produce from these plants but it's a joy to see them looking good.

Lastly, Victory No. 6 is my hay-fever medication is working! Thank goodness for it as look what we are surrounded by - a couple of weeks ago I could have ripped my nose off and eyes out but now I am feeling almost invincible in the face of grass pollen!

More soon - I didn't even show the right hand side of the plot this time. Stories and even a hand-drawn plan of the site to come.

Love
Carrie

When you're going through hell

...keep going!

April the 4th was the last time I had anything to do with the allotment. I haven't even been in the vicinity of the place and I didn't plant one single seed this year, not one. I barely even think about the plots and don't feel guilty about it either.

I was given a new extra medication to try in March of this year and by the middle of April I was ready for the hills; it simply didn't agree with me and conversely, all that it was meant to help with, it made a lot worse.
Self harm has become a 'normal' everyday desire and suicide often seems the logical solution to my pain. In short, times have been epically bad, we're talking on a biblical scale and Andrew and I have just barely pulled through.

Now there's a little green light at the end of that monstrously long tunnel of despair. I'm starting to catch glimpses of it, at long last, though they are few and far between.

The last couple of days here in glorious Carrickfergus have been sunshine-y and though it doesn't fill me with glee I am pleased to see the healthy plants in the garden (bar the absolutely dead Acer) and interested in the first wisteria buds on the vine.

I know Andrew will get my bum to that allotment soon and with hope I will be able to return to blogging and connecting with you, my gardening friends.

Wishing you all the very best
Carrie

Our little seedlings

I just don't know when to stop. Even after I wrote and hit 'publish' on my last blog post; I felt compelled to go outside and take photographs, put a load of washing on and make compote. Then in the afternoon I wrote rough drafts for the next 6 posts, and got some photos edited for them..... then 'had to read' yet ready for yoga and so......collapsed.

To be honest the rest of the day was a mystery, though I did love Forrest Gump being on. Today I have barely moved from the sofa - yay I got up out of bed though!! - and have 'just read' all day. Though my mind has been muddled and confused and I seriously look like a mad lady!

Why do I strive so vehemently when I'm obviously so ill?

Sorry. I needed to get that out, say it openly and publicly. Listen to your precious bodies and minds my friends.

***************

** The Gault nursery as it stood yesterday..

 Andrew's homemade cold frame - housing geraniums and broad beans at the moment

 Roses - Reine de Violettes and  Silver Jubilee
 Two Beetroot types (Chiogga) and  (Golden) Celeriac, Purple Sprouting Broccoli

 On the window sill - Sunflowers (this is 2 weeks after planting!), Zinna (Jazz)
 Tiny Rudbecki (dwarf mix), our clever light reflector ;)

*****************

** The back garden in happy vignettes....

So much green and happy growth!

Hugs and love
Your Carrie

P.S. Almost all my Dahlias are sprouting now :) 'Golden Wonder', 'Bora Bora' and 'Pom Pom'

Something inside so strong...

...(or maybe in my case, just stubborn and foolhardy)

I was out again, yesterday, with Maggie at a much later and busy time (2pm), with workmen all about and many cars on the road. Oh and there appeared to be a startling amount of people in the car park at the allotments too. We walked up to 'that sign' and then in a haze of terror, we walked on a few 100s of metres to the community centre. My goodness I was sweating profusely and in a not ladylike manner at all! I was so terrified I barely remember coming home. I think having a good smartphone with a camera and music saved me - it distracted me.

With me it's all push, push, push! And now I am exhausted, scared and slightly scarred. I think it shall be a while before I attempt it again.

BUT ~

What a glorious day it was! Sunshine and blue skies and washing hanging outdoors. I went out into the garden (after a shower and smelling pretty again) to take these photographs of our newest purchases, seedlings doing really well and potatoes chitting like there shall be no tomorrow :)

Broad Beans (Aquadulce Claudia), there are 5 beautiful shoots so far. Two new Dahlias - 'Bishop of Llandaff' and 'Mary Evelyn'

And lastly those spuds (we added a new one too)

(Left to right) Kestrel,  Saxon, Pentland Javelin 

Well my lovelies, that's all for now. I must go now and cut Maggie's hair - she will probably hate me for the rest of the day, or until she gets a few biscuits :)

Hugs

St Patrick's Day

Oh what a let down, it was all going so well until yesterday when it rained, then there was sleet then snow and rain all day, all night :( St Patrick's Day is our traditional day for planting the spuds but no, when we arrived at the allotment (bright and early - go us!) the paths were enough of a giveaway - the ground was sodden. If you are into rotten potatoes, fine go ahead but I kind of like them to be edible.

 *****

So I would like to share with you our back garden instead :)  There have been some improvements and the swelling of buds and bulbs has been bring joy and loads of birds. Oh yes! we are officially on the map as the place to get your seeds and fat balls.

The hard landscaping

I am so lucky in my 'catch'; my hubby can lift his hand to anything and does each and every thing he puts his mind to with perfection. It's actually a little bit annoying at times that he can be so awesome, ggrrrr BUT he does remind me of my Big Papa in this way and that causes me to love him even more!  Our main trees and bamboos are finally settled and starting to grow; I feel this summer will be luscious.

He made this >

A super fab screen to stop over-looking

And we have further plans to make this area fabulous. Number one is getting rid of that umbrella.

Plus look at how happy our Christmas boxes and beech hedge is looking; happy and healthy and if I could use my nostrils....supposedly the Christmas box smelt wondrous.

The Acer buds, beech hedge bud profusion and cherry blossoms

The pretties that bring joy

Look at the joy, the yellow shiny bright joy that is the glorious tete-a-tete, on mass it is a happy pill that works through you merely seeing them. Of course the tulips are coming too and I am really looking forward to that. In the photo below the black pot has some long forgotten tete-a-tetes that had sprouted in the shed :) And those terracotta pots are going to be full of tulips.

Then over in the tea garden haven the snow drops are slowly giving way to the colourful crocuses. 

Garden accessories (very necessary for maximum enjoyment!)

We finally bought ourselves a little bistro set for the tea garden, it's only taken what feels like forever! We got this little marvel for a steal in a huge Scandinavian shop whose colours are blue and yellow and they love their meatballs....I hope you get my drift.

I was also very fortunate to be sent these little beauties from the lovely people at Jo Alexander. And yes, they were a gift in turn for a wee name drop but oh I do so love them. This is my style - simple, elegant and timeless. I look forward to long lazy nights outside, with wine at our bistro set with candle light; I already have quite a number that hang down from the pergola but I am a fan of lights dotted in the foliage.

Hugs, more soon,

Fancy Food for Feathered Friends

Oh I am on fire today with the alliteration blog titles :) Oh yes the Queen of the Geeks!

I'm going to ease myself into the Grow Our Own blog writing again with a little post on keeping our feathered friends happy, healthy and fat in these cold and dreary winter days. We all love it when birds come a visit our gardens  - little feisty fellows looking for scraps to take back to their nests and munch away on. My all time favourites (apart from the Robin!) are the teeny tiny Wrens - oh they are small but mighty and so bouncy :)

Anywho, I am waffling.

On Saturday I was at the RSPB NI Headquarters as a stall holder for their first ever Winter Craft Fair, you can read about it here. In a wee quiet period I ran over to the stand showing how to make Bird Cakes but the volunteers had (quite understandably) gone on a wee much need warming drink break. So I only got to take photos of the ingredients they were using and yes, they are Cheerios - who knew??.....

But clever girl that I am I logged on to the RSPB website (which is fab) and have gotten you a recipe to make sense of the whole thing> here. Oh my the birds in this pictorial guide are so happy it just makes you want to make some right now!

Funny, Andrew bought a load of fat balls a week ago so we have them out at the moment anyway, but this would be a fun and messy way to entertain kids or indeed yourself on a blustery day.

Andrew also bought a gorgeous feeder 'Egg' at the fair which you just fill with bird seed and the birds have been all over it today (apart from when I took this photo - I scared them and hadn't the patience to wait for them to come back). Plus it is so gorgeous, a little piece of sculpture in the garden that also has a use :) It's made by a company called The Nuttery and you can get them online, all different colours, I think they're lovely. Being weather resistant porcelain, aluminium and stainless steel they can stay outside all year round and can be thoroughly cleaned too = happy me.

Oh, have I shown you a little of the garden! eek, you excited, you want to see more??...come back in a couple of days ;)

For now take joy and fuzzy warmth from this.... Yes, Maggie (she's still my 'wonder dog') !!!

LOVE AND HUGS x

Squished and Squashes

Tuesday night - you are so glad you weren't in my house, I had a breakdown. Uncontrollable crying for around an hour and desperate bashing of the noggin with my fist. It could not have been a pretty sight.

Wednesday - managed to get up and onto the sofa. Spent the day unable to speak or walk, think or type, read or listen. I was trapped, squished if you will,  inside a body I couldn't work with and a mind that kept telling me it was time to go. I guess you could say I was in a pretty bad way.

Today - slowly, I managed to get up, feed myself and do some housework :) Then I had a shower and did more housework :) My fingers were able to type the words that my mouth is still struggling so hard to say but at least I can express myself,  plus I did more housework :) I feel better than yesterday and this migraine is a walk in the park :) Plus the house is cleaner - yay go me!! Housewife of the week award.

Knock me down 7 times and watch me as I get up 8 times!

Look what is outside my patio doors  - isn't that a happy sight? This morning it made me smile inside, my face was frozen so you wouldn't have noticed but I was happy. Then this afternoon after all that rain it still made me smile - this time my mouth moved and I am feeling much more human :) Plus in that bed my dearest hubby has planted bulbs - those harbingers of hope!!!

We have snowdrops, crocuses and new to me - Summer Snowdrops!

"What!" you say.

"I know!" says I in return, "snowdrops in summer - yay!"

Pumpkins! (what a wonderful word, I may start using it as a curse word, I use those a lot these days) - okay 1 was stolen but look at all these babies and there are about 3 or 4 more :) I wish I had of drawn on at least one earlier in the year as a commenter mentioned 2 posts ago - genius. Just think, there could be a pumpkin out there smiling back at me, or sticking it's tongue out at me; I LOVE that idea - remind me next year!

Oh and seeds in the post from a lovely friend, Ann. She is very artistic and drew these beautiful floral packages herself! I am seriously impressed. Floral carpet seed bombing shall happen my friends - I will make this place glorious (we live just outside the limits of Eden Village- but we shall have many a bloom!)

1st visit back to the lottie

We went after dinner and attacked the place for about 40 mins until it literally got too dark to see ~ already I am not coping with these darker nights! What on earth am I going to be like when it's getting dark at 3pm???

Anyway after our intense weeding and grass cutting we re-found the celeriac and leeks and boy they look fabulous :) There were 4 wheelbarrows of  stuff to be composted! Plus I came across 3 of the biggest slugs in the world and I didn't even faint, haha.

Sorry but I accidentally forgot to take the camera. However, weather permitting we shall be back tomorrow and I shall take a pic before we get stuck in.

Plus I have most of my first post about France written... with a few photos for you.

And on top of that - can you believe this - I spent about half an hour out in the back garden weeding by myself! And this is with the knowledge that two new families have moved in over looking our house. Just a wee boast there for you ;)

Missing in Action

Well the title is a little bit of a lie to start with, sorry. I've been Missing in Inaction. I haven't been doing too well at all and that even includes having a lovely birthday and a lovely garden party and getting some commission photography work. I go for life like a sprint when I feel ok, everything done at once and then, because it is meant to be a marathon or lets be more realistic, a nice enjoyable walk, I end up exhausted and out of the journey for days.

Here are some super lovely photos of my Birthday and the birthday party/welcome to our (very nearly) finished garden party.

At the pond with Eimear for a lovely Birthday walk - look enough wishes for everyone and the swans have recovered after the male was killed a couple of years ago :)

 

 I put the candle in myself, no one else was here!



out for dinner at Wagamamma :)



 



the party -

 Courgette and lemon cake and balloons with bunting - hurrah :)

 Hanging lanterns and a fire pit to keep us warm - plus some of my favourite people *blush*

But things at the allotment have been ignored, apart from Andrew going up and collecting dinner. I have only seen it once since I last wrote and the experience was a little upsetting as there are weeds everywhere and plants that have gone over and some lovely berries have been eaten by insects and birds. I got a little upset and then angry with myself and we had to leave.

I do have this - my 1st apple from the James Grieve tree... I shall consume it later :)

For most of this week I was going through a nervous breakdown and on Tuesday I felt suicidal. I'm only telling you this because I want to share the fact that a Suicide Prevention website (I don't know which one, I was in a pretty bad state) recommended (amongst other things) getting out into Nature. Ecotherapy saves the day yet again. I pulled some clothes on, grabbed Maggie and went out, luckily I had already spoken to Andrew on the phone and thus remembered to take my keys and take a Valium.

I don't remember much about it apart from the route I took and the panic I felt, the bag I flung over my shoulder had a camera in it (as always) and I managed to take this walking back home -
It made me smile and I think I'll make it my flavicon.

Okay, so the walk didn't exactly make the world seem like a better place and suddenly I wasn't depressed but I did feel a little stronger and a lot more tired = I fought the voice in my head, snuggled up on the sofa  in fresh cosy clothes (not soaking with panic sweat) and give myself the grace I needed. I slept until Andrew came home. It was not the finest day of my life but I made it through.

This Saturday (and if the bloody rain would stop for 5mins, tonight as well) we shall go to the lottie for a while and really try to get it into some shape. The bag of berries Andrew bought home for me at the start of the week give me a wake up call - a spider in a raspberry I was just about to eat, a caterpillar on another and a maggot, oh dear god, a maggot in a blackberry!!!!! = my lottie needs me and I shall answer her call.

***Today I shall hopefully finish the Turkish Delight company's promo photos and then once the owner sees the files I can share with you a little of what I was up to these past days when I was well enough. I swear this stuff looks and smells gorgeous but I do not like it. It's that jelly texture, so at least I haven't been found in a corner rocking and in sweats with a massive sugar overdose and a lifetimes worth of shame. I have eaten a quarter of one piece out of hundreds. Now if a chocolate shop was to ask me to do promo pics, well, I may really have to go AWOL, hahaha.***

Love and hugs to you all, don't listen to those people who say the summer is over - they lie! ;)
And a hearty THANK YOU for all the comments on the previous post, they really helped me feel connected to the world through this latest bad spell xxx