Wednesday, 28 February 2018

So it's like this

tete-a-tete daffs  - Carrie Gault 2018
Always look for the happy
I can barely talk never mind read or write when I'm going through a really bad patch in my mental health. The confusion and forgetfulness about even the smallest things such as how to have a shower, eat or follow a story line on TV is so upsetting. The self hatred and anger towards myself is overwhelming and very destructive. This has been the story for the whole of last weekend, well, the very tip of the story.

Mental illness is like a cancer, utterly destructive, exhausting and invisible to others bar the side effects.

Luckily, with a lot of support, sleep and zero activity I have slowly crawled out of the monstrous depths.

If I may, let me explain a little further. I have chronic depression, acute generalised anxiety disorder and BPD. Which means I get anxious and depressed over nothing and frequently hear screaming in my head and sometimes mumbling voices. I'm paranoid often and completely doubt myself in everything I do.

And top of that there is the issue of my permanent double vision. The confusion, head and back aches and oh yes, every step could cause a fall or injury. I can't even safely go out alone.

That's the tip of my ugly truth iceberg. Boy do I feel exposed and vulnerable right now.

But give out, give up, give in? No WAY, this is, for better or worse one stubborn girl right here and I WILL keep showing up for myself.



  1. February seemed a long, hard month so let's hope that March is better once we see the back of this cold, snowy weather. Flowers and sunshine will bring some much needed cheer to all of us.
    Take care,and keep warm. xx

  2. Spring is nearing hope rings eternal.
    Little joke: A scarecrow won the Nobel Prize recently.

    He was outstanding in his field. ha

  3. You always manage to keep trudging on, digging out of each depression like a seasoned trouper. I’m sorry it doesn’t get easier each time, but I’m glad you have your dear husband and Toby and the beauties of spring as support. Praying for you, my friend.

  4. goatman's joke was cute .. Carrie sweetie ... you know how much I understand, and yet we all feel so alone when in that deep dark well .. I wish I could write something wonderful and comforting .. just know you aren't alone .. there are people how care very much for you !


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