Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Not the day I planned

I'm exhausted, and as I sit here and write that I realise just how true it is. I can feel the tears welling up behind my eyes and my sore and stiff shoulders sag a little as the truth comes to the surface and I haven't meant it to. I truly am sick and tired. It has made itself known as I've sat waiting for the laptop to whirr into action, listening to Maggie sleep, watching the leaves blow down the road.

Why? Goodness only knows. I have no children, no job, no worries. But I do have Depression etc and at the weekend I bashed my head and have had concussion. I'm not sleeping well at nights anymore and I just feel a sense of detachment from the world and unease and I can't think why.

I won't lie, Autumn is not filling me with joy as I look as the beautiful golden, orange and red tones - to me it's all deathly brown tones and everywhere the sky is white; I am living inside a cloud today and I can feel the pressure bearing down. Unlike other days were the change in season reminds me to slow down and take it easy I look about me and see decay, detritus and plants simply giving up, going to bed and locking the door. I want my blanket and a good black and white film on the tv, preferably a sad, other worldly story to match my mood, maybe 'Brief Encounters'...

I have photos of the back garden I wished to share that I took yesterday. Ahh, yesterday, when the sun was shining and I wasn't feeling like this. Yesterday, when things got done and was happier and fully occupied.

Oh dear, this really hasn't gone to plan today. Forgive the indulgence of me posting this anyway - sometimes I need to tell the world the truth in my own quiet way...I am unhappy and exhausted. Some people get grumpy, some turn to drink, some push the world away, me? I write it out and let that act as a good cry, a scream of frustration, a virtual binge on ice cream...

With love
xx

12 comments:

  1. I think writing is a good outlet during times like these Carrie. It's very cathartic.

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  2. writing works for me as well...
    wish you were close enough for me to share a hug

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  3. At least you have found an outlet which is a good thing. It's frustrating isn't it when you can't understand why things happen and when it will happen. I experience it as an onlooker and can see a physical change in family members when a bout hits.

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  4. I'm glad you write it out. That's one of the best therapies -- you put the words out there and the emotions behind them has less power over you. At least that's what I believe.

    I am sorry about the concussion...that may be some of the reason you're feeling so low.

    Regarding sleep issues, boy can I relate to that. I've always struggled with sleep and when you don't get enough rest, it does make life feel a bit heavier.

    On a more positive note, I've been a long time visitor and I know your power to recover. You might have to wait it out, but you do get through it, Carrie. You're a very strong person. You will pull the sun back into your life...just be patient:~)

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  5. Oh Carrie, so sorry that you are feeling this way. I'm glad you wrote down how things are, I hope it will help to hear that people care and are thinking of you. I hope this passes soon, and that you feel more positive. You are in my thoughts, and I really do wish you well. CJ xx

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  6. I'm glad you're writing, and writing what's happening for real. I'm praying for a lifting of that heavyness you feel. Hugs.

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  7. Thinking of you. Take care, Flighty xx

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  8. Autumn is the year winding down and preparing to rest. It is shedding its summer finery and snuggling down into some fleecy pyjamas and fluffy slippers. It draws the curtains to produce a quieter, more restful light that is just right for settling down and resting. In the winter the year snoozes in the darker days, enjoying a good refreshing rest to build up strength for the busy spring.

    Store your harvest, root out your winter woollies, put your electric blanket on the bed and prepare to rest and wait quietly for your strength to build up again.

    Much love. Lynda xxx

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  9. wht Lynda said! Journaling, putting it on paper - helps me. Concussion is the last thing you need. Hope the past few days have been easier, kinder.

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  10. Sending a virtual hug and hoping your shout helped. Your garden picture is beautiful. Hope it's dry enough that you may get to sit outside and just enjoy it, do nothing :)

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  11. Hey, just stopping by to say hello. I've been thinking about you and I hope things are getting better.

    Keep writing Carrie, even if it's just journaling for yourself. It does help.

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  12. Oh dear, I know my own about depression, I had it and its gone now, but anxiety remains. But for today, you can be really really happy, ok?? You have got a new blog follower - me! :D I love your blog and your writing and pictures and I will be happy if you have a look at my blog and I do believe yours will give me a lot of ideas to start a proper garden that I keep fantasizing about at all times. Your sincerely, a bug loving and gardening teacher from Prague :)

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