Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Of life and death

It's a human affliction to know of our own impending end, to realise that this life is only for a short while. I shouldn't dwell but somehow the winter months are all about death for me; the death of plants, the darkness of the sky so early, people getting ill, the lack of energy due to less vitamin D (from the sunlight) in our bodies.
We celebrate the end of the year by rejoicing, drinking, spending too much money and gaily decorating our houses but have you ever taken the time to think of the amount of suicide, the loneliness and the many people who take this time to look over the past year and see just exactly what they have not achieved, not experienced, lost.
It's a common thought - 'I should have done... I ought to'... what are you putting it off for?, why would you keep that outfit 'for best'?,  doesn't he/she know you love them?
What if tomorrow never came?.
What of all those empty chairs in your house right now, look around you; are you alone?, are you with the people you want to be with?, doing what you want to do? - NO you are not, or why would you be sitting in front of an inanimate object that feels like your best friend in the world reading the words of someone you don't even know.
I know I am in a downer, I am a chronic depressive, but I share the thoughts in order to make you see, to make you have to think about that which we all put off. What is the point of your life?, what have you brought to the world?, how will you be remembered? who will come to you funeral?

Love, create, be passionate, learn, listen, read, compliment, try everything, travel and above all share your experiences and be there for others. Never be anyone but yourself - you are enough!! (If only I could believe my own words........)
Why dear god do I need the approval of others to feel like life is worth living? Help me out here - do you ever feel the same?

Scared to publish this but I shall press that button in 10 seconds..


  1. Must admit that Christmas is always a sad time for me as it makes me think of family that are no longer around to share it.

    My sister is suffering from depression and I think would empathsise with what you are saying. She has highs and lows and it is really difficult for me to know how to help her - all I can do is be there and do my best.

  2. this is the hardest time of the year for so many people. the dark days and long nights, the feeling that if you are not out every night having the time of your life then there is something wrong, the pressure to get each gift and meal exactly perfect along with the extra sensitivity of missing people who cannot be there mean that so many people experience Christmas as one of the most stressful times of the year.
    I have a need to be liked, my mother points this out to me on many occasions when i have exhausted myself running about after people when i really need to be studying or sleeping or partying(!), i think this comes from that need for approval, that, 'look, i can cope with everything'. sometimes i think it is innate to being female, and other times i wish i could just unplug the phone and sleep for a week! but we carry on, and in 14 days the nights will start getting shorter and the days a bit brighter!
    i hope the knowledge of the coming sunlight can help you to remember that the spring will not be far behind! it cant stay dark forever.
    T xx

  3. Carrie girl this is your blog and you can publish what ever you want!
    Sometimes actually writing out what can bothers us the most, helps .. AND people have a choice to read it or not ..
    I can understand how you feel .. this time of year is so full of schisms it is over whelming ..
    I try very hard to just concentrate on the day ahead of me .. one foot in front of the other .. if I try to look too far into the future .. well .. right now not a good thing.
    Hey .. make sure to take vitamin D supplements Carrie (my doctor told me 5,000 units for all my conditions) research what would be good for you ! Plus .. "light" therapy .. totally important as well.
    Joy : )

  4. thank you ladies, thank you for understanding and for sharing. I really need some friends right now even though I can see spring hiding behind that corner. My love to you as always xx

  5. Carrie,
    You've made a difference in my life, and so I send my usual love and hugs through the ether to you and hope you can grab them!
    Odd that one can feel a connection via an electronic device like a computer, but you're very special to me.
    xo Alice

  6. This time of year has always been tough for me. It was the time of year my father died...many years ago, but it still holds that lingering feeling of sadness that often is triggered by the sights and smells of the holidays. I've come to accept that this feeling will never fully disappear.

    So, I don't fight it anymore. I feel the sadness when it comes. However, I also look for the moments of awe I experience during this time. Things like my cat curling up beside my old dog to sleep, a perfect blue winter sky or a hawk circling high in the sky and the sunlight making the feathers in his wings flow. These are "moments," but they help hold me over until my dark times pass.

    Mind you, I'm not saying you or anyone else should do what I do. Everyone has to find their own ways to deal with dark times, whenever they occur. I agree with some of the other commenters. Speak your truth; sometimes that's the best way to let it nag you:~)

  7. The end of the year comes with too much expectation. Tears before bedtime ... Whatever 'we' say, we send our blogs out to be read. Stats are a rather plodding dry way of knowing It Was Read.

    You once said you were having a photography exhibition. I think I must have missed your feedback on that? How are you going with making your new house a home? the garden will have to wait till spring now?

  8. I have found great focus in turning my thoughts and efforts towards other people and their troubles. I just love volunteering at the rescue centres. It focuses my mind to other people who are less fortunate. I've met so many like minded people. It is so therapeutic to focus on others instead of wallowing in my own issues.

  9. This time of year can be hard on the emotions, I know, Carrie. I am feeling the loss of my grandfather especially hard lately. But we just found out that my cousin is pregnant and by some miracle her due date is on Granddaddy's birthday. I took it as just another wink from the universe, a slightly bittersweet reminder that life goes on -- sometimes poignantly, yes, but always with beauty and grace and passion and love.

    No matter what your inner critic says, Carrie, you are adding to the meaning and beauty and love in the world. You have done so for me, and don't you forget it during these wintry days that tend toward depression even for those without the challenge of mental illness. You are doing great, girl, and if it matters, you always have my approval.

  10. Well done on such a heartfelt post! I empathise with what you say as I find this time of year difficult. Forgive me as that's all I'm really want to say at the moment.
    Take care! Flighty xx

  11. The winter months can bring on the winter blues from he**!

    It's cold and dark which is not very nice for the body or the mind! Gardenjoy is right about that Vitamin D..I need to get a hold of some myself! for my skin and my mind!... Here's a few things I have done to help myself....

    I put on some cheerful music, light some floral scented candles or incense that will remind me of sunny days and blooming flowers.

    I close my eyes and think about something that will excite me that I always wanted or would like to achieve...It's important to close your eyes, relax and remove your mind from the bad feelings trying to take over.. or over whelm you.
    Just doing these little things when the blues take over will help distract the mind and put you in a more cheerful mood..even if you have to repeat it everyday!

    I hope this helps a little or a lot....I have felt like and angry cow with Mad-Cow-disease, every since the winter set in... But doing a few of these things a day has helped.

  12. thank you for sharing the fact that this isn't all happy and merry for everyone all the time. I often feel like a total Scrooge. My love to you all - off to visit you all x

  13. Okay, I'm going to hit "Publish" on this, so strap yourself in. It's gonna get bumpy... :P

    Speak your truth; sometimes that's the best way to let it nag you.

    So beautifully put by Sara there. And Meredith is spot on when she says that you are adding to the meaning and beauty and love in this world, just by being who you are right where you're at.

    Lest this seem condescending, trust me when I say it's not. I must confess to having a little cry (did I confess that?) when I read this post. I too have had the black dog of depression snapping at my heels for years now. There have been days when I've felt that it'll devour me whole.

    Some people may never understand the struggle unless folks like you continue to drag it kicking and screaming into the light. It's only when we see it in the light that we may entertain the absurd possibility that we can rise above it. Yes, it is absurd, but that's hope for you... and isn't that just hopelessly glorious!

    The fact that you continue to write so truthfully means you're still kicking back. Long may you endure, Carrie. And long may you rise above.


Please leave a little nugget of happiness in the form of a comment - don't forget to put your name at the end if using 'anonymous' setting x