Wednesday, 7 December 2011

The hardest post I may ever write

Yesterday was the day that was firmly written in my mental dairy as the day I was going to kill myself, I had everything planned.

I have just had a shower and tried to thoroughly scrub that day off my body, as far as is possible (pity life wasn't so simple). So it is now, sitting with my hair wrapped up in a towel that I come before you. I come to apologise for my utter selfishness, my deplorable weakness.

There are a few people out there that need proper thanks for helping me live and I shall contact you individually; terrified that I may leave someone out I shall not mention any names at all bar that of my darling, my reason for being ~ Andrew.

I promised myself at the outset of this blog that I would not shy away from the truth, that mental ill health and the stigma attached should and would be blown up on my little piece of the web. So you signed up to read my thoughts, share in the adventures and as with any relationship, you have seen me have some great days and some days I'd rather not think about. In return I have been honest, I have spoken out loud what some have feared to say. I hope that this post will also act in that way. For anyone who is low (and let's face it Christmas can be the worst of times for many) I urge you to speak out, even if it is to me, my e-mail is over there on the right. Though naturally I would prefer you talk to a professional.

You are loved and I believe in you, I believe in the beauty of people and the strength of the spirit. I have visited hell and survived.


Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley


  1. Carrie there really is nothing for you to apologise for as you're not selfish or weak, just the opposite in fact.
    I want to say more but think that for the moment it's enough just to say that I'm thinking of you. Take care, Flighty xx

  2. I believe in you too Carrie. To reach that point and not only hold on, but speak out so honestly takes a great deal of courage and strength. I'm here if u need me. Xx

  3. Carrie What a brave lady to post your inner horrors. I am so pleased that you were helped to get through that day and hope that you are able to move forward stronger and in control of life.
    I have enjoyed your blog for some time but rarely find time to post on garden blogs these days.
    My time has been taken up helping patients with Lyme disease hence my blogging is mainly on my Lyme Blog.

    I know I have said before that many patients with mental health problems are being found to have links with various infections and I talk with many patients in Ireland as well as throughout the World whose Lyme Disease affects their mental Health.

    Have a look at this website just in case there is anything that you might find useful there. Dr Bransfield was the president of ILADS last year and presented at the London ILADS conference last year he is such a pioneering doctor in this field of medicine.
    Winter is often a black time but spring is just around the corner so stay strong and hugs from me.

  4. You are a brave and honest woman. Don't beat yourself up for selfishness or weakness. It takes strength to be honest. Selfishness would remain silent, not reach out a hand, for help, to help.

    Christmas is a strange time of year, burdened with expectation. But I do look forward to the music at St George's cathedral. And hope for another Christmas with the family around my mother. She will be 100 in 2013!

  5. *sending lots of hugs* and whenever you want or need or feel up to it you should come down here and snap up all the pretty scenery we have to offer! You have oh so many more beautiful photos to take, people who greatly care for you....and hopefully that shower washed away some of the difficultly you are having and will have a better day very soon.

  6. Hey Carrie, I can only second Flighty's sentiments. I'm glad you're around. Take care. Steve, Liverpool

  7. I fallen out of love with my blog a bit (i.e. I've not updated it for months!), but I always try to keep up with yours. I'm sorry to read you're struggling so much at the moment, it puts my 'problems' into perspective.

    It's not a great time for the allotment I know, but there's always the seed catalogues to flick through. Or the beautiful flowers to make!

    But there's nothing to apologise for, more to take comfort from the strength to write something so honestly. And if you can write something like that, the least I can do is leave a comment.

    Keep up with that strength!

  8. Brave lady, you KNOW I believe in you and I can see that wonderful SPARK of Life in you even in the darkest of times! It's like a light that shines through darkness.
    Thank you for this honest and extremely brave post.
    You are loved, Carrie. You are one of the sweetest, most sensitive and beautiful persons I know, your Inner Beauty shines! Be kind to yourself, love you :)

  9. Dear Carrie,

    I have never posted here before as I am really just a browser... but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I'm sure you know that now, and it is truly wonderful that there are people around you who care for you so deeply. Hold on tight! Things will get better. It will be tough, but there is light at the end of that tunnel. And well done for sharing. That is one of the toughest things, and one of the most important things, you'll have to do.

    Much much love. I hope the festive season can be fun and happy rather than sad for you. Have a million billion hugs!
    Toni x

  10. This post is really brave of you Carrie. I am so glad that you came through.
    I know this time of year isn't good for everyone. I must admit I dread Christmas as so many bad things have happened to me around this time of year and it brings back those memories or a family gradually decreasing in size! I am always thankful if we come through December unscathed.

  11. Carrie,

    I'm so sorry I haven't commented on your blog in so long (I took an unexpected 3-week break and now I'm struggling to catch up). And I'm sorry that I missed this post, this important post where you shared so much of yourself. I'm so glad you didn't do it and I'm so glad you survived the feelings. I know I say it over and over, but I hope it still means something to you when I say it: I admire you and your strength!

    All the best (truly),


  12. I've just read your essay about your anxiety and depression and how you've found a way to deal with that through tending a small garden.

    I have severe anxiety, panic attacks, as well as OCD (thoughts). I struggle with a lot, and sometimes feel like I'm going crazy. I have trouble leaving the house alone... The other sensible part of me laughs at this, and thinks that it's just silly that I struggle with something so weird. The medication helps me deal with this, but I never really feel 'normal'.

    The thing that keeps me going is my passion for art. I think it's a bit like you creating your garden. It needs you, just like my art needs me. We're creators giving life and sharing our creations with others, and bringing them joy. It's one of the best feelings in the world :)

    Depression and anxiety will come and go throughout our lives. That's just what genetics has set out for us. I try to remember that, and know that none of the negative feelings I feel are actually real. They're just the result of some chemicals that are not balanced properly in my brain mixed with memories of bad experiences. I try to accept that, but also try to fight it, so that I can be the best that I can be (even if I'm not feeling any better for having tried, because the point is that I am always trying and never giving up, not ever). I am determined that as long as these problems are mine, and as long as they keep trying to bring me down, I will continue to battle them right back and kick their ass.

    A quote that I find inspiring is this:

    Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout 'Do your worst, for I will certainly do mine!'

  13. Been there! it is a long haul out of the pit. For me, talking to dogs helped a lot!

  14. this is a very very strong post! so amazing you are wanting to speak out loud about this. and that is def a perfect poem to go along with what you said. def one of my fav.

  15. Carrie,

    I am so pleased you decided to live. Having been at that point one time in my life, I know how easy it is to wobble on the edge.

    But now you have written these words of hope for someone else to read. Do you see the beauty in that? Someone will know they have a choice. They can choose to live, like you did.

    I have a quote I'd like to pass on to you and anyone else. I usually share at my site during holidays. I can't tell you how many times it has helped me.

    "You are not accidental. Existence needs you. Without you something will be missing in existence and nobody can replace it. That’s what gives you dignity, that the whole existence will miss you. The stars and sun and moon, the trees and birds and earth – everything in the universe will feel a small place is vacant which cannot be filled by anybody except you." ~ OSHO

    I am ever so glad you didn't leave that vacant place in the Universe:~)


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