Thursday, 5 November 2015

What became of me

It wasn't intentional that I close the lid on my laptop and walk away from my blog, but life has a habit (at least for me) of getting on top of me, crushing all my joy and anything that gives me a sense of purpose.

All the times I've truly felt good have gone by too soon. For now life is endured in between the acute anxiety that can't be rationalised away and the bouts of depression that turn me into this creature, so useless, so difficult to be around, so pointless. I have even begun to fear happiness as I worry how long it will last this time and how long the fallout will be.

Take last weekend for example...[extract from notes taken]

'It's been a beautiful day, one of those fab crisp sunny autumnal ones - perfect for being outside and immersed in nature. In short, an allotment day and I hate the way it makes me feel. Here I write in the dark, having just awoken from another 'I'm too depressed to cope' two hour nap. I'm cold, I'm wearing the same pjs I've worn night and day for a week and I so desperately wish I could touch a switch and my life would quietly stop. I know that isn't the way it happens but, I've dreamt of it most my life....and suddenly I feel so ashamed and slightly angry with myself. I can't think straight any more and this bumbling must stop, I am too pathetic as it is without writing about it, indulging in it.'

I'm sure I'm not like this deep inside; corners of my mind are quick, artistic, interested, wishing to learn, wishing to do, longing to trust people. In short somewhere within this rotting lump is a quivering flame of hope. That's obvious by that very act of getting up each morning, even if it is to sit on the sofa all day.

****

Okay so I wrote the above in fits and starts over the past few weeks and I am glad to tell you that the depression, if not the anxiety, is lifting. Goes to prove how terrifying the thoughts of suicide are... a permanent solution to a temporary state of mind.


back garden november ~ growourown.blogspot.com - an allotment blog
grim weather
I have great news - its shitty weather so no allotment guilt. I have a review of some fab pruners started and a new RHS book arrived to review too, goodness know when I'll get round to reading it!

It will all take me a good deal of time to get down on paper but slowly, with a hell of a lot of patience and kindness towards myself, I hope to be back writing soon.

With Love
Carrie

15 comments:

  1. I was JUST thinking about you, Carrie, and wondered if there had been posts I'd missed filled with your allotment ponderings. It's good to find that you've still got your fragile flame of hope in the ups and downs of your days. Hang in there, friend. I'm looking forward to reading what you've got next.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I simply love the way you write, everything comes from such a deep place of love. Thank you. I am still very much struggling but the weather is hideous so that eases my guilt about staying inside xxx

      Delete
  2. I'm sorry to see that you've not been feeling too well recently but it's good to see you posting again.
    Do lots of armchair gardening planning for next year which I hope will be a good one for all of us.
    Take care, Flighty xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Mike. It took a long time to write that one post and even longer to get my next one on the go :( But you're right armchair gardening is super important and much is to be done xxx

      Delete
  3. Well done for trying so hard to write this blog. I appriciate your eforts. I really feel for you & understand completely. I'm much worse when the weather is bad and it's dark. I find it helpful to remember then following ......... Keep on trying and remember those around you that support you :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kj, I cannot thank you enough, it helps so very much to hear that someone understands xx Thank you for your love and support xx

      Delete
  4. I've been very worried about you and I'm so glad to see you back. You can do it, lovely girl.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry, you ought not to worry lovely. I hope you are coping and looking after yourself. Thank you for the encouragement xx

      Delete
  5. What beautiful photographs you take. Thank you for your blog and I hope you feel better soon.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Of course we worry. Most of us - I for one - have been there and know how hard it is. It is a sickness of the brain, it has got nothing to do with you, your caracter or your talents. As always, you will be better, but it will take time. You have my love and I am sure a lott of other peoples love too.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I miss your writing.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi Carrie, so sorry to hear things have been so hard. Even without illness, writing doesn't always come easy, there is nothing wrong in taking a break. I have several loved ones who battle anxiety and depression - I see day to day that it is extremely tough and I think you are so brave not only to keep fighting as you do but also to blog honestly about your feelings - it's by no means an easy thing to do. I hope that your skies get brighter and things feel much better - but even if they don't right now, I wanted to say that you deserve happiness and sunshine and I'm sure you will find it. Thanks for your honesty and your beautiful writing xxx

    ReplyDelete
  9. It has been a long time since we survived that power cut through the power of wine and good company, but the coming if spring and plans for the garden made me think of you. May the sun shine on your face again soon. Jen x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jen!! Oh goodness what a night that was! How terribly embarrassing to think I was so tipsy I was singing solo, haha. Hope you are well and hope you get out into your own garden once this weather warms up xx

      Delete
    2. Don't worry, we were singing a beautiful duet. All good here now spring is coming!

      Delete

I love to have visitors but LOVE it even more when they leave a little nugget of happiness behind in the form of a comment. I thank you for taking the time to send a little joy my way xx