Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Moment of clarity

The words come to me on the edge of sleep. They are eloquent and flowing; exactly describing how I feel, what has been happening; and they hold within them the precise emotions and maybe some of that quirkiness laying deep inside me.

But then, as it has been for weeks now, I come to this page and the cursor blinks on a white expanse that I am too daunted to make a mark on. I can't think straight, the words are so muddled and I feel intimated, plus there's the undeniable fact that I really don't have anything worth sharing. I haven't been to the allotment for a while now, the seedlings here at the house are growing on and disappearing as Andrew continues to tend the plots alone.

Okay, the weather has been a major problem and this is by far the worst year we've experienced in growing our own but honestly, I can't blame that alone. I have been terribly ill with a massive breakdown so severe I have had great trouble eating, talking, walking, following a train of thought and even caring about life at all. It has been hell and not just for me.

I take photos and they stay in the camera, I receive a stunning wooden planter from The Posh Shed Company and I simply can't write an easy review about how beautifully made it is. The act of blogging has become a rod for my back and boy do I thrash myself with it. I feel pathetic, incomprehensible and plain unworthy of being seen or heard.

Enough with the depression and anxiety already; I can't cope and I can't bare to lose any more friends and opportunities. We only get one life and damn it, the clock is ticking.

growourown.blogspot.com ~ an allotment blog
little snippets of today at home
Hugs,
Carrie

15 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear you haven't been good Carrie - I did notice you'd been a bit quiet online lately. I always enjoy your blog updates whenever you feel like writing one - your loyal readership is always here waiting! ;) May I ask what that pink flower is in the photo? I know nothing about flowers but I like that one because it looks a bit lotus-shaped. Lauran xx

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  2. Ahh my sweet Lauran, long time no talk to xx. The pink flower is from the camellia bush we have in the garden, they are gorgeous,and the leaves on the bush are really shiny. Love and hugs to you and all yours x

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  3. your garden does look lovely, and sunshine, real sunshine, helps. ((Carrie))

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  4. thank you Diana - big hugs to you x

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    1. almost, there was a post here?
      Was thinking of you yesterday.
      Hope your weather is being summer kind today.

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  5. The eloquence is still there Carrie and really the poor weather doesn't help anything.

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    1. You are too kind Sue, I feel like a bumbling fool with my words xx The weather has turned here (for today at least!) and it does help :)

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  6. Carrie, I'm so sorry things have been so bad for you. It's lovely to see a post from you my friend. I hope things improve for you very soon, and that you can make a few visits to the allotment before too much longer. At this time of year you are bound to be amazed by how much everything has grown. Sending you a cyber hug. CJ xx

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    1. I accept that cyber hug with much appreciation! I know that when I am ready to go back it will be beautiful and I shall delight in all those seeds now grown into lush plants. Fingers crossed it happens soon. Much love x

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  7. Carrie I love to read you thoughts, when you put them down on paper. I know you will get over your down turn and be back on the allotment with lovely Andrew. I will have to visit you some \\weekend. Your old friend Ronnie Allen.

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    1. Ronnie! How wonderful to hear from you here on my blog. Oh how we do miss you at the plots, its just not the same without you. Please come visit anytime, we always love chatting with you. Big hugs xxx

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  8. Thinking of you. Take care, hugs and happy gardening. Flighty xx

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    1. Flighty, every time you leave a message I feel stronger. Thank you for thinking of me and darn it happy gardening to you my friend! I've been reading your exploits, just not feeling up to commenting xxx

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  9. Oh, lovely girl I so sorry you've been ill. I've never had depression to that level, but I do know the sickening feeling on unworthiness and wasted life. Do what you can do and try to remember we love you!

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    1. Kath. Love to you, I know you have suffered enough! I do hope you are feeling stronger these days, think of you often. One day at a time, eh? Big hugs

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