Not the day I planned

I'm exhausted, and as I sit here and write that I realise just how true it is. I can feel the tears welling up behind my eyes and my sore and stiff shoulders sag a little as the truth comes to the surface and I haven't meant it to. I truly am sick and tired. It has made itself known as I've sat waiting for the laptop to whirr into action, listening to Maggie sleep, watching the leaves blow down the road.

Why? Goodness only knows. I have no children, no job, no worries. But I do have Depression etc and at the weekend I bashed my head and have had concussion. I'm not sleeping well at nights anymore and I just feel a sense of detachment from the world and unease and I can't think why.

I won't lie, Autumn is not filling me with joy as I look as the beautiful golden, orange and red tones - to me it's all deathly brown tones and everywhere the sky is white; I am living inside a cloud today and I can feel the pressure bearing down. Unlike other days were the change in season reminds me to slow down and take it easy I look about me and see decay, detritus and plants simply giving up, going to bed and locking the door. I want my blanket and a good black and white film on the tv, preferably a sad, other worldly story to match my mood, maybe 'Brief Encounters'...

I have photos of the back garden I wished to share that I took yesterday. Ahh, yesterday, when the sun was shining and I wasn't feeling like this. Yesterday, when things got done and was happier and fully occupied.

Oh dear, this really hasn't gone to plan today. Forgive the indulgence of me posting this anyway - sometimes I need to tell the world the truth in my own quiet way...I am unhappy and exhausted. Some people get grumpy, some turn to drink, some push the world away, me? I write it out and let that act as a good cry, a scream of frustration, a virtual binge on ice cream...

With love
xx

One small step at a time

I went to the allotment. Maggie came too and we stayed an hour and took some photos, weeded a good wee bit for all the time we were there and came home before I was panicky, tired, overwhelmed or indeed had to engage with anyone. It was a success :)

She looks miserable but she wasn't really

Boy has the season turned. Maybe it's due to my not being there so often but I really saw a difference in the air, in the texture of the soil;  the summer was gone and a sleepy Autumn has come to claim her time. This is the best time of the year to truly start becoming aware that we humans push ourselves a little too hard. I feel that Mother Nature is asking me to slow down a bit, to reflect and the cuddle up; she even turns the lights out earlier, lol. I'm not into the stodgy foods, gloves and hat, or the steamed up glasses phase yet but we did need that extra jacket and though it didn't stay on whilst I dug, that light scarf was a must have - there is at least a chill though not a nip in the air.

How it stands as of now - plus my wee bit of weeding

The sneaky  Sharp's Express spuds I found whilst digging over that strip - yum

It's time to begin thinking about what we will grow where next year, what crops did well in our conditions this year and to tend to the paths, the storage, the rubbish, the soil, the compost... We now have our last crops in and they look amazing, I tell what we have next post; in no way is the growing year over!

YES!! The paths are bark mulched :) 

The leaves are just about turning here in dreary Carrick, on one or two parsnips I could see browning leaves, on the blueberries, wow, there was red; in the garden now we are getting to witness our Virginia Creeper go purple. It's still mild enough for the geraniums, dahlias and roses and the colour they bring is a welcome distriction from the grey clouds. The beans (of all types) are gone now and the squashes are cut and sitting out on the back window sill. I can see the most perfect 'Turks Turban' from right here on the red sofa, too big for the sill, it sits alone on the wall.  Really must get some photos of them before we eat them all - oh they are so good! 'Uchiki Kuri' was the one we grew most of and I simply love them, the batch we have left won't last long :)

some colour left on the plots

Namaste friends,

Beer Pickled Beans

I have become a lottie-aphobe. I couldn't be dragged there by a wild pony or chased by a gaggle of gnomes; for me the lottie is not somewhere I wish to step foot, like that game you played when you were a kid and the floor was made of lava, I'm jumping from place to place, project to project in order to stay away. Sad isn't it?

Clearing out my study yesterday I came across the scrapbook I had started when we first got our plot. It's just silly photos of 'our soil' and newspaper clippings about the council releasing land etc. There are a few photos of us (both as taken by me and the press) in there and goodness we look so much younger, so much more alive....I guess they were the salad years (excuse the pun) before we realised just how much blasted hard work goes into an allotment. God we look old now ;)

Anyway I wanted to praise my darling one for still fighting the pests, the weather and lack of interest on my side. The hubby has been there and comes home with excellent carrots, scallions, squash, turnips and chard etc. He makes me so proud.

I will get back into it again I swear. I will be his under-gardener and document taker; I will have a naughty beer or a comforting coffee (weather dependant) with him, held with mucky hands and a smile on our red cheeked faces. But for now...

***

We grew the best french beans in the history of french bean growing on 24a this summer. I am pretty sure they were called 'Blue Lake', at least we had a pack of those in the shed.. We had a glut and as much as we adore eating them, as much as it reminds of of our holidays in France, there truly is only so many times you can have them with dinner, or give them to family (without them rolling their eyes) and so other uses needed to be sought. Of course they freeze which is fabulous but Andrew bought himself a book a wee while ago about pickling and preserving and so....on to a new adventure!

The book, if you are interested is Alys Fowlers' Abundance, though there are many other great books out there and I would also recommend the River Cottage series. This one really caught Andrew's eye because it's so down to earth, had recipes you actually would eat and was a good price.

Andrew loves pickles, Andrew loves french beans, Andrew loves spices, Andrew loves beer = Beer Pickled French Beans = JOY, lol...  I can't give you Alys' recipe, that truly would be unfair; I can show you part of the process, which is surprisingly easy if you don't mind the stink of vinegar (which I do and which had my eyes watering for about an hour!)

The Prep..

washed jars, the ingredients A. used (inc. Belfast Ale!) and sterilised jars

The Making of..

adding spices etc to vinegar and beer mixture, a good steep, filling the jars

The Finished Item...

Since this first attempt more has been made (they don't last long in this house or when friends come over) and the jars have been more tightly packed and most recently the beans have been chopped up; to make the eating of them a little more civilised :) It has been a triumph, they are so crunchy I can hear Andrew having a sneaky fridge raid and I look forward to seeing what else we can preserve.

Namaste dear readers and remember, it's BULB buying time (see already thinking of spring!)

Okay, the truth

I hope I have made it really clear that I try to do my gardening as a form of therapy (which I call allotmentherapy and my Dr's have started calling it that too; next stop the Oxford English Dictionary! hehehe); it's a way in which to connect with nature and overcome my depression and anxiety even for a little while. However it is not a panacea! and hasn't been working for me at all recently.

That's why on this blog, you don't get an awful lot of super useful advice about when and how to do this or that, and what varieties of fruit or vegetables are the best (I think that would be very impertinent of me anyway, as you're soil and climate conditions would be different to mine). The joy is finding out what works for you and sharing our trials and tribulations and indeed our successes!

Well the last time I wrote I indicated that I was having problems and since then those problems have gotten worse. Our allotment gardens are so neglected, so huge, wind swept and honestly, just depressing. That is, they are to me and have been for a few good weeks or, let's be truly honest here...months. I haven't even been reading other blogs on gardening never mind thinking about this one for which I have so much love. Andrew has been the one going and trying to stay on top of harvest gluts and bolting veg whilst also trying to guide me through this deeper period of depression. Poor guy.

So today I went. It was damp and empty and we just about got some jobs done before the sky starting crying (lol). Harvesting, composting the sweetcorn, now finished, and a general tidy up. I think that hour was enough for me and I could not cope being on 14b, the sooner we move things out of there and just train our focus on one half plot, the better.

Super quick update
Our kidney bean shaped bench had been stolen :( But the Green Beans are still going strong (I'll talk about them in another post), the parsnips look really healthy, the amount of squashes is smashing, we are getting blueberries (praise be to Zeus, finally) and raspberries and our apples, plums and pears are all....weird (like secret underground layer genetic experiment kind of weird!) Everything else is just ticking along super-ly apart from some of the chard which is bolting but c'est la vie....

I really need to take many more photos but, I guess it will take time...

I've been through these periods many times before and I bounce back so I hope you will stay around and maybe even say hello. A huge thank you to those of you who have sent private emails too! I have been waiting for the right things to say but as each day goes by and I still don't feel quite myself, I fear I have become rude...

Namaste friends and may you be having a better time than me and fond memories of the summer just passed.

A milestone (a fairly straight up post I doubt anyone will read)

Within a few days either side of this date I will have celebrated the very first blog post I ever wrote (10th August 2010), my 700th post (this very one) and my birthday in a few days!I think it's times like this, when one is confronted with milestones, though small, what we start to question the purpose of things. I know I tend to overthink and thus am reflecting possibly a little too much...

I started this blog as a sort of journal for Andrew and I to watch our progress with the new allotment adventure we were undertaking; scrapbooking photos and trying to write a journal was exhausting. I never thought that it would be live to the world to see, I thought you had to choose weather you let people in or not. Blogger was terribly confusing for a first timer and I learnt things the hard way and goodness knows how awful, how basic, how unsavvy I once was. 700 posts later and I am happy enough to share our progress and the terrible failures with anyone who cares to look.

I have used this platform to talk about my mental illnesses, there have been large gaps in my writings (a big no no if you want to keep people interested, supposedly) but then this is a real blog, not for profit not to get praise and endorsements, it's just about me. I've had a recent meltdown in fact that has lead me to be tardy with everything in life until I could get to the point of trying again. During that time I have been asked by 5 different companies to guest blog for them on their websites - sorry but no can do, I don't take on pressure and I do not wish to be famous.

Andrew and I had a sit down and talked about it and 14b is going to go this year. We give up. The weed situation is too much to handle and we would instead love to concentrate on our lovely 24a and make it the best damn wee plot ever! I guess we're growing up and seeing that smaller done better is more rewarding than bigger though unmanageable.

The big ole mystery, the age old question is answered for you ....Why are we here??  (I confess to being particularly concerned with this during my meltdown.) Well I'm not sure where Douglas Adams' no.42 comes into it but I know now, it is just to enjoy yourself, don't hurt others (except maybe aphids and slugs etc!) and stop worrying!!

Photo credit/copyright : Skarpiagirl 

With love and a hope to post lots of harvest photos soon as I'm well enough xx
Your
Carrie

Love bug housing

You may remember a while back that I received a gift from Prezzybox.com to review and it wasn't to my taste - flower grenades, that looked a little too much like grenades for me.. Well the lovely people at Prezzy box read my review and were slightly horrified to learn I had been offended. Dear love them, after sincere apologies they offered me anything else from their gardening range to review and I choose this insect house :)

Now this is more my thing and it was utterly delightful to receive, to make and soon I will have the pleasure of putting it up in the lottie. Plus I get a cute little tin to keep essentials in like plasters and antiseptic wipes or maybe all  the labels and pencils etc... It's a great wee gift and this, my friends I would recommend. :)

Look how cute the tin alone is and the contents are laid out so prettily too. I got stuck into building my Bug House right away and it was delightfully easy and I'm super pleased with the results and the 2 ladybirds that came with it = adorable!!

Ok, I am quite sure bugs aren't that fussed on how beautiful their homes are but darn it I'll try anything to welcome on board and help us fight the enemies...

I'm in a love bug mood these past few weeks since I started to clear up the embarrassing messy parts for the plots. We are seriously lacking in helpful bugs and though I made a makeshift bug house years ago and purposely put lots of grass and stones under our shed for bugs - we seem to have counted 4 ladybirds between us, 2 frogs (yay!!), lots of bees but not much more than that :( I want more good bugs! (Who ever thought I'd say that!!) The leatherbacks and those damned New Zealand flatworms of the past 2 years have destroyed the lovely balance.

So here is my Bangor Blue slate hotel which also has lots of dead and decaying leaves in and around it since I took this photo. On the other side of the wee fence is this pile of rotting wood and an old pipe where a frog has been living.

Plus we have a ready rotten log over on 14b where our other frog lives and lots of woodlice etc and I have been leaving the artichokes to flower to try and encourage butterflies and bees etc. Next year there shall be sunflowers too (I forgot them this year) and more echinacea and black eyed susans etc. Yes 2 frogs *happy dance* and you know why I'm so happy -  they eat loads of insects and nasty creatures and the ultimate enemy, Slugs and Snails!!!!!! Hurrah

Is it just me or are the slugs much bigger this year??

The RHS answers the question about who might check into your bug hotel.....

"A surprisingly wide variety of invertebrates including nesting mason bees and leafcutter bees, woodlice hiding from the sun – and woodlice spiders hunting woodlice, earwigs hiding their babies from predators, ladybirds and lacewings hibernating over winter, beetle larvae feeding on the dead wood, funnel web spiders spinning their traps and centipedes hunting down their prey."

Good stuff I say :)

Thank you Prezzy box for increasing our chances of more friendly, useful bugs on the plots and as for the flower grenades - well I have taken the seed out of the clay containers and shall be scattering them this weekend over by the field boundary.

Hugs and best wishes to all
Namaste

Thunder stops play

Last Sunday we were back in action, reasonably early (for us) at 11am. The weather was a lot different, there was cold air and then sunshine back and forth until later the heavens exploded and thunder rumbled, rain poured and I thought for a moment if our shed would work as an ark - boy, the rain was heavy! In the end running out to get tools and running to the car and back etc I was soaked through - that sort of soaked were you just start to walk at normal speed; you simply can't get any more saturated, lol.

My big project was to sort of the back of our shed and get things off to the dump. It was rather daunting to begin with but then I really got into it and loved it all. I love creating a clean and clear area out of a complete mess - it feels like I am clearing my messy mind at the same time - it's calming.

So here it is (shame all on show here)...

We came to the same point about our old broken bench; there was no way we could save it, the wood was rotten so much in a lot of areas (and secretly, now Andrew has his fancy saw, he wants to make a new one altogether!) So he went all caveman on it and smashed it to bits. Fun!

Is it just me or are the slugs bigger this year, goodness there were so many under the old timber we had laying at the side of the plot. But when I meet our frog again I thought to myself, no way am I getting rid of this, I shall merely stack it up neater - obviously it's a great habitat for wildlife.

The finished cleaned up area - that big white bag has our fire wood in it and I even managed to get the wee hand rotary mover over all the grass. What a great workout for my bingo wings :)

Andrew was dealing with the old broad bean patch, they were all ready to be lifted and the peas too behind them in this picture, growing up a little net support.  I do love my broad beans so it's great that Andrew had done a succession planting and we'll have a new batch soon :)

There is something so utterly satisfying about those broad bean roots and those little nodules shown below; Chemistry and Biology in action! These nodules actively improve the soil by depositing nitrogen into the ground which is a great plant food and benefits the next crop you plant in that space ~ hurrah! Plus the stems are great fodder for the compost bin = free natural fertiliser and soil conditioner, and you know I love freebies :)

going

root nodules

ha ah, gone! and a nice big harvest in the shopping bag

Then little rain showers started to happen. They weren't particularly long lasting but they were heavy and put a stop to works for a while. 

 We hung on but then the real thunderous downpours came. The shed became our place of sanctuary; the noise of that rain on the roof was deafening and Maggie just was not happy at getting wet at all, she clawed at my leg until I picked her up and then I took the keys and ran to the car with her tucked under my arm - lucky she's so wee :)

But from all that work and the harvests of the day before we were able to come home, cold and wet from the (what felt like buckets of rain thrown on us) lottie and have this stir fry rustled up in no time - bliss. Chard, carrots, dwarf beans, turnip, all only a maximum of 24hrs old :)

Joie de Vivre (part 2)

So where did we leave off yesterday? Ahh yes, sweet little Rylee's Birthday party was all finished (nap time) and we were returning to the plots.....

Mamma G and Anne arrived shortly after, with their own empty bags, hahaha - time to get some of our potatoes; we love to share our bounty. The whole bed was dug up and honestly we have never had a better yield from potatoes ever! The Red Duke of York were lovely, all knobbly and such a gorgeous colour; remember they were super cheap from a discount store so - result! But oh my the Sharp's Express were a knockout, I have never seen such prolific spuds, large ones too, suitable for baking, but really they are suitable for everything (we like them roasted, simply boiled and pan fried or mashed. They're the best all rounder spud out there in my humble opinion (and I don't even like potatoes that much!)

all from 2 plants!

We were also able to give away some Scallions, garlic, peas and lettuce, spinach...

Whilst we had visitors Cecil turned up at the plot next door - we has done for a huge 3 bag harvest himself, he was going to be able to share it all with his daughter and daughter in law. We chatted briefly about how damn good that feels - to give good honest home grown vegetables to those you love.

Then all was quiet again on the plots, it was just myself and Andrew getting on with our tasks. The sun had gotten so strong that little Maggie had to go home to cool off, for us two there was a different solution - a cheeky ice cold beer to refresh us and give us the energy to carry on for a few more hours. Ahhh beer....

So I finally managed to clear 'the corner of shame', oh it felt a little like Christmas only better, lol. I loved taking on this area of utter mess and dumping that which can not be used, drying out animal feed bags which we use for collecting manure, drying out those ground sheets that were so important during all that snow and frost earlier in the year and throwing out dead, beyond dead, plants! I even met a frog :), saw one of the few ladybirds we have had this year and built a lovely slate bug resort :) Though as my camera battery was dying, there aren't any photos :(

the before and after

Andrew dug up the garlic - great bulbs again as always and planted 2 more squash plants in the now empty potato bed. Again, I need to take more photos but this was the best I could get. I had to turn the camera off and and on a few times to trick it into giving me a photo at all!

the garlic harvest

Lastly there was my awesomely terrible Pinterest fail of a sign for plot 14b. Lucky I can laugh at myself but this was horrendous, I giggled until I hiccuped...

top left: ruthiaudia.com   top right: ohsobeautifulpaper.com

We left the plot that night at 8.20pm, utterly aching and exhausted. I had to have a shower the second I got into the house and but not before I quickly scribbled down that it had been a good day. By the time that shower was over my depression had returned and I had the worst panic attack ever. I'd overdone it. But at least I have those memories and the knowledge that it is possible to lose oneself in Nature, let her take over my worries and insecurities for a while and just be at one with myself, my breath and earth on my hands and the sun on my back...

Namaste

Joie de Vivre (part 1)

Let's just forget all the posts I was meant to write and wrote many times over in my head whilst I was ill there. I had another mental breakdown - so boring!

But dear friends this last weekend was a true celebration of life, nature and love. So I think we ought to just start from there, okay? Maybe one day soon I will do a big post of photos from all the harvests Andrew brought home but for now we are drifting back in our minds to Saturday *insert waving lines here*.......

The noise of the birds, the rustle of trees, still air, deep breathing and the rhythmic sound of Andrew's scythe. I stood for a moment in the brightness and warmth of the sunshine and the world seemed to disappear and there were only these moments and a feeling of contentment and love. In this place, in this peace, I found I was smiling, genuinely at ease - all was a dream. Having been so mentally ill it was as though Nature was holding me in her arms, cooling my burnt out soul and giving me a sense of purpose.

I took upon a task -' the corner of shame' was going to be tackled and I was the one to do it. I had energy I had foresight to see the finished results and the relief for both myself and Andrew; we both had been ignoring it :) Really, we had it ignored it to the point where things were missing in there, the climbing rose was dead and goodness knows the majority of it was rubbish *blush*

Andrew did great work on the paths which had started to become dangerously long and I had fallen more than once already (look at how it is just past our plot). The council is meant to keep these under control but they don't - I guess they haven't the time, resources or the interest. Pity as it takes up most of a good days work, particularly when it has to be done by hand...

I found Alan II - I was sure he was lost for good, in fact I secretly thought he had been killed and disposed off in my absence, hahaha. He raises once again as guardian of the plot :)

 But then, guess what?! A timely phone call came reminding us it was Rylee's 1st Birthday and there were cuddles to give and cake to eat :) How can you say no to that?? Though darn and blast it I forget my camera so I have had to steal this from Mamma G's Facebook page....though I had to add a birthday frame :)

After the party we went back to the plot and Mamma G and Anne followed behind but I think that is a good place to pause in this post...more soon from Super Saturday...

Guerrilla gardening with Prezzy Box

Sometimes cool little things happen when you've been writing a blog for a while, in that PR people will contact you so see if you'd like to review one of their products. This has happened a few times to me and this week, it happened again. An online gift website called prezzybox.com asked if I would check out something from their range of gardening gifts - look a gift horse in the mouth? no, not I. I said yes.

What I was sent?  ....  Flower Grenades for guerrilla gardening.

Well first they arrived in no time and by courier which I liked - care and attention had been put into this. The packaging was good too; a nice cardboard box with bubble packets inside to absorb any knocks.

When I opened the package I was more than happy that it was flower bomb time and the presentation package was really stylish. Though I didn't like the look of the 3 grenades that lay inside - surely that was a joke...

But no, I was rather disappointed to see that they were in fact quite realistic grenades, though made of clay. As a huge pacifist I was dumbfounded that these would even exist. How can I be seen with a replica small bomb here in Northern Ireland without feeling awful and embarrassed?

I lifted one out and lo the whole contents spilled into the box. All the poppy, ryegrass and buttercup seed mix was only held in place inside that clay receptacle with a tiny sticker :(  Instantly I felt this gift was style (or indeed gimmick) over substance.

So this weekend ( Happy Friday Everyone!) I shall try to guerrilla garden a little, somewhere very private down an abandoned laneway.  I shall report back to let you know how it worked out :)

May I say that I still hold fast to the packet of native wildflower seed mix in the old pocket whilst out for a walk and just sprinkling a few as you hike?? That's what I've done in the past....