Tulips - nature's happy pillls

If there is one plant so far this year that has really cheered me up it is the Tulip. I love them and need them in my life forever more. My fab hubby has been buying me a bunch every Saturday now for weeks so I can have nature's beauty in our attic space (I can't see anything but sky up here - Velux windows), he even bought a 'tulip vase' for them; if you're going to it at all, do it right!! ;)

But on the lottie we have some absolute darlings. Weird though, I can't bring myself to cut them and bring them home which was the whole idea of me having a cut flower bed. Haha, they just look so pretty where they are and the plots around us are very thin on the flower front so my beauties brighten the place up.

In celebration then of the Tulip I give you the different ones on our plots and end with Ronnie's super pouffy ones which I covet for next year - I think I may go tulip mad next bulb buying season.

Okay so I really should have done a collage but I have a date with that flighty temptress, adventure!

I'm still here and I shall win ;)

I received a lovely and loving e-mail this morning from a dear friend which has given me that extra bit of strength to fight my demons and write a quick post.

I have been staring into the abyss over the past few day, holding onto the cliff face my the tips of my fingernails, having chats with the devil himself. All in all, I have been going through the mill and feeling ready to give up the fight. I have been confused, be-fuddled and consumed with self loathing and weakness. I have hated myself entirely.

My camera is full with images taken in those little windows, those few hours here and there when the world hasn't seem to ugly to bare. But they lie hidden with the magical machine, not uploaded, not appreicated. The camera sits there mocking me to tell the truth. Yes there are nice images on it but they only go to prove how wonderful the world is and how I can't see it now. It also serves to remind me that I'm supposed to be putting photos into a gallery but my mount suppiler has messed up my order and I still sit here with my 'work' by the bed. I feel the utter failure and not even the news from the allotment helps. Nothing much has helped, but my hubby's unwaivering love, a quick comment from a friend on Facebook a few days ago and today's e-mails (out of the blue and tear inducing), one from Meredith and one from someone whose views on mental illness I have changed through my Allotmentherapy essay.

Ecotherapy is not a panecea, creative art isn't either and writing can just be too painful some days. So I have stayed away, I have stayed in this room alone, without even Maggie, staring into that abyss and wishing from the moment I wake up that it was bedtime again. WELL NOT TODAY!!

Today will be different, today I shall fight, today I shall create. The barbed wire around my soul shall be broken by the love that I have for life and the love I receive from others - unexpected, unwarranted. I am to fight until I fall alseep with the effort of it and I shall win! Today I shall win.

My contribution to yesterday's Earth Day

Here is my blog for the Mind Depression Awareness week, put up on their site yesterday.

http://www.mind.org.uk/blog/3291_cultivating_hope

1 in 4 here in Northern Ireland suffer depression. Sad but true.

Good weekend wishes to you all xxx

Hope

You might remember that I am a Mind Media Volunteer, well at the moment there are some personal stories going up on the Mind blog in relation to Depression Awareness Week April 18th-24th 2010. I shall be one of those people but I want to talk about today's post by Steve and I hope you will read it and then the previous piece by Dave.

Anyway one the comments after Steve's excellent piece really caught my eye today; a quote from Dr Martin Luther King Jr, I think it applies to all aspects of life and even gardening ;)

'We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.'

I personally find this very powerful and just wanted to share it with you. What a joy it is to be a gardener!! We never lose that hope, we never plant a seed and wish that nothing happens, we don't tend to the seedlings and the soil with a desire to make conditions worse so they will fail. We are eternal optimists, we can't help it and damn it why would be want to be anything else! Yes we face disappointment all the time; seeds don't germinate, plants die or we get blight but we fight on, we plant more seeds we do what we can to help the plant live, to stop the spread of infection, to kill as many bloody slugs as possible! Weeds be gone, you are but an inconvenience. A finite disappointment to a gardener never holds them back. Let's apply this to all aspects of our lifes.

I wish you infinite hope; I wish it for myself.

Bloomin' Monday (on a tuesday, I know) and poor weather

The weather out there on the other side of the window is echoing my mood; I look up at it, listen to it and feel like I am staring into an odd sort of mirror. It's miserable out. It's dull and cloudy, light rain has started and the cold wind  is blowing a minor gale. Even the thoughts of volcano ash mixed with the clouds out there make me think of my fuggy head, the frustration that could explode from me any mintue and the utterly burnt out body I'm living in (I know I should see a Dr but I can't face it.)Weather has such an amazing effect on us I think we all must suffer, at least a little, from SAD, I know I do, though often a bright sunny day can be like the world laughing at me.

I got my voice back today, I had a bit of a flu over the weekend. I'm tired from it but diffentatlely feeling less bunged up thank goodness. Anyone who has shares in kleenex hankies - you have me to thank for the bonus, haha.

So then, I guess you know what I'm going to say...I haven't been to the lottie apart from half an hour on Saturday. Andrew has though of course and it seems everything is doing well bar the sweetcorn (Swift F1 ) of which there is no sign of any germination. He bought 'F1 Sundance' today and is going to be planting it here beside me in front of the tv any minute now.

We just had a late dinner, our own PSB (yes, again!) and Spinach included - oh how wonderful is that? We realised at the weekend that we haven't had a week yet this past year when we haven't eaten something from our own plot - that's kind of amazing and really, congratulations to Andrew for all the effort and planning he puts in!

The photo is of the row of gorgeous yellow tulips we planted in amongst the wall flowers that Bill grew. They are stunnning and such a happy colour. Plenty more were that came from, I just need to get my bum into gear and upload the photos I have and take more.

That's all for now my friends, just wanted a little chat and you know I can see blue sky peeking through now, so thanks for listening xxx

The Enchanted Earth

Why is it I always feel like a fevered child being held in the cool loving arms of a wonderful mother when I read Meredith's posts? I always feel calmer, the panic and the dam of tears ebb away and just for a little while I can breathe…..I’m not writing today, instead I am just sending everyone over to The Enchanted Earth...

Of course this means I could be saying goodbye to a lot of you, you'll see how great a writer she is and never want to read my gibberings again, but ....

Our 1st Rhurbarb harvest!

Andrew gathered some juicy rhubarb stems at the start of the week and Mamma G, who also has 2 slightly older plants in her garden, did the same. The stems were mixed together and the Gault's had their first Rhubarb tart during the week (they both had custard - I don't like it, mad I know). So hurrah another new experience and an enjoyable one at that!

Happy weekend xxx

Purple Sprouting Broccolli - the results (Plus HAPPY news!)

First off - major big kudos to me, I'm outside, alone! This is the first time I have sat outside at Mamma G's house since we moved here at the end of January. Even before that I hadn't been one for sitting outside at my old home - I feel exposed, and embarasssed and a little paranoid. But here I am and though I can hear grass being cut 2 doors up, the only other sound is that of some very happy birds in the trees and bushes all around Mamma's garden. This is a great garden, a complete sun trap and not over looked, there is also the most beautiful magnolia ever right in front of me and the smell is intoxicating. So, this is what I've been missing.....

*****

But on to the PSB I hear you cry!

Well, out of a judging panel of 2 (Andy and me) we have thought about this a good bit over the past two PSB dinners we have had.  The first was a fresh baby salad (from the lottie - thinned out salads from the coldframe and the tender pea tips) steamed PSB and spinach and lamb dish on Saturday. Well YUMMMY!

The second was last night (well we wanted this to be scentific!) and saw us eating a butternut squash, bacon and PSB rissioto. YUMMY!!

So the verdict is - PSB may take a hell of a long time to grow, the plants may look like they are dying but then one sweet, sweet day a purple sprout appears and then another and then loads come out all at once. "Hoorah!" you say to yourself and pick some with joy in your heart take it home and eat it right away - heaven. Yes I said heaven for the Gaults offically LOVE PSB and I demand that all negative references to it from myself in the past be withdrawn and also that you grow it too!

It's hard to describe you see and I just want you to experience it yourselves. It's not brassica-y, there isn't any sharpness or bitterness, it isn't overly 'green' tasing - just oh so pleasant on the taste buds. So pleasant.

So there we go.

Verdict 1 - being outside (especially now the lawn mower has stopped) is not that scary really (though  I did take a valium and am sitting right by the door;  it's early days).

Verdict 2 - PSB is fab and though it may look crap as a plant and turns green when you cook it so it looks like normal broccolli sprouts IT IS WORTH IT!

Thank you and good afternoon, I'm off inside now, half an hour is good enough for the first time xxxxx

P.S. Just came in and told Mamma what I had acheived - big bear hugs and giggles all round, I can't stop smiling :) :) :) my cheeks hurt. I need a lie down, hahahaha

Where did Monday go?? - part 2

Bloomin' Monday - a fabulously pink, pink Gerbera, oh so pink..

***

Andrew built an ingenious new bench/storage system inside the shed. All from his own wonderful mind; he dreamt this up and then just went out and made it happen. I am one proud wife! It was so simple when you really took a step back, of course we could have a bench inside- eh viola! -extra room, extra cozy. Andy left it open around the bottom so we could store longer items such as bamboo canes and the azada etc. It's pretty darn nifty if you ask me and another feather to add to his already quite bird-like cap. Hoorah for 'can-do hubbys'!!

Now I just want there to be a terrible (but very quick) freak rain storm at the lottie, so we can go in and sit down comfortably, lock the door from the inside (oh, yes he has enabled us to do that too) and have a cuppa. Really must do the girly thing, the right thing and make cushions for our bums, ummm........

Stay tuned for tomorrow's results on the PSB taste session!

Where did Monday go?? - part 1

I've just jumped out of the shower, which I also give a good scrubbing whilst I was in there (2 for 1) and just thought, 'hey, this is Tuesday, so where did Monday go and can I get a refund??' I've been up and down like a blasted yoyo the past few days and yesterday was so bad I sort of knocked myself out and slept through it. So here I am a day older with nothing to show for it.

Today I shall be writing 2 posts for this blog and hopefully 1 for my other crafty one and then working on some of the photos I took at the weekend - we went out on a photography day on Sunday which was lovely.

There's a big cloud hanging over me at the moment, even though the weather is turning round and the days are brighter for longer. I'm worried, I'm worried about our new house and how it's taking ages to be built and we're slowly going mad living in the loft coversion, I'm worried about my weight (aren't all women) and the fact that though I don't eat much I'm not getting enough exercise (too scared to go out and to cramped to do a workout video in here), I'm worried at the amount of meds I take very day, I'm worried about money, I'm worried about stupid people blowing up cars and I'm worried about Andrew, because he's worried about the seedlings all being a little leggy on it. They should make worrying an Olympic sport - I would be the gold medal and world record holder. Oh, Great Britian would be so proud.....

Arggh, all the medication and worry is totally messing up my sleep and during the course of writing this I have drifted off twice, I need a nap and I guess that's were 'part 2' will come in. I shall return later with Bloomin' Monday and a couple of stories from the lottie, lots of people there this weekend, fair weather gardeners *rolls eyes*...hugsxx

So much love floating around :)

I'm feeling the love today, could be due to delirium as I didn't get any sleep last night and I'm having panics today and bad double vision but somehow (the drugs?) I am feeling the love - OH. MY. GOD. I've just realised that smoothie I drank earlier was a little old - fermented perhaps, there was an odd aftertaste. With my medication and it -  am I drunk!!!?????

Golly, well I'm going to continue on.....

I love my Hubby, here is his looking after all his little babies - they grow up so fast! They are being pricked out and potted on here into their own roomy spaces they can call home for a while. Isn't his plastic potting on bench the best thing ever!?( I need more shots of it) He can be mobile with his seedling work, doing it up here in the attic with me and Maggie or down in the kitchen. Either way, there's hardly any mess at all and the tray is big enough to mix up his own special soil and holds the labels and pencils etc all in one neat place. Cool! No longer shall I have to forsake my dining room to the spring baby boom, it can all just be moved out of the way. I love Sunnybank nursery!! They got these in again because we asked for them - how sweet are they??!

So little babies moving up to bigger/better things. I like the way Andrew has developed a new technique (I think he pilfered it off GW) where he plonks all the babies down in a mass out of the communal home and lets them fall apart from one another without him pulling at their roots. Fab, really it works, just make sure the soil is nice and moist; he puts the unturfed lot into a seed tray of water before hand.

What else am I loving?

Harry Potter; I'm reading all the books again in one big go and it's fabulous.

Maggie sleeping on the floor on her favourite, pillow, snoring - so cute.

The anticipation of a nice nap for me, it's coming....

Esty, oh how I love Esty, ever been?? I found a love lovely shop I must share, I've just written about it in my other crafty blog.....

http://forihavelivedtoday.blogspot.com/2010/04/esty-my-safe-space-1-tanya-bond.html

Penpals, I have to write a snail mail today to my friend in Canada, love snail mail :)

And, the fact that one of my framed  photographs is being used tonight as a raffle prize in a posh charity evening - I'm helping kids in Uganda just by doing something I love.

I need that nap. Have a LOVELY weekend and I'll write that Rowallane piece once I feel less muffled. xx

Boys a dear, I'm a sleepy girl

I've just woken up! I know, it's getting close to 2pm! Now I was up earlier and fed Maggie and had breakfast, checked e-mails got washed and dressed - you know, the usual. Then I sat down to read my book and lo and behold here I wake up, book on the floor and I've lost time, hahaha. Thing is I'm trying really hard to keep my eyes open still, I wonder if the whole matchstick thing works?

I was looking at the last batch of photos I took at the lottie over the Easter break and found some you might like. Random I know but I thought I'd keep my wee story but Rowallane Gardens for tomorrow.

First off, the weather was so terrible here that the electric poles came down all over the show (lucky we weren't affected) and it took the gallant Northern Ireland Electricity repair men a good few days of putting the mess right ( poor loves out in all weathers up high ladders and what not). But on the up side Andrew found these on their way to being dumped - they're off the very top of one of the said poles, he wanted the glass too but it was broken. They're a bit odd to have at the lottie but we like them - answers on a postcard as to what use they could be used for. Or maybe they are just art - there for our enjoyment....

We took a dander round; as I showed yesterday Andrew had been seed planting like a mad man earlier that day so there was little left to do. Well, that's not technically true - I should imagine a really mad man would scatter seeds liberally all over the place and maybe eat some and put the rest in his ears....Andrew put out small amounts in perfectly straight rows and labeled them etc = not quite mad.

LOOOK!!!! ---drum roll---- PSB! Yes we have some little spears of the elusive purple sprouting broccolli! Bask in the glory with me... No I haven't pilfered someone elses and placed in amongst our leaves, nor have I painted a green spear purple, this is real and I am going to eat the whole dam thing myself in one mouthful to see what all this bloomin' fuss it about. I shall report back in due course.

Then as this blog is never all about 'proper gardening stuff' I have to show you Bill's beautiful border of mini daffs and Colin's new little Jack Russel puppy - aaawwww.

Hugs and kisses and through the sleepiness I am feeling better today - yipppee.(Thank you to all who left lovely comments about my photography in a gallery post - it's starting to sink in I think; there's a quiet little glow around my soul, it's surely helping me.) Maybe I needed sleep, maybe I need more sleep. Umm let's think about this, conquer some of the mountain of ironing, proof read a new archaeology book or have another nap which may be of great benefit to my mental health.... ;)

Developments!

I don't like appointments, especially when the subject matter is me and my mental health, so today has been terribly tainted by a visit from my social worker. This was made all the worse because after an hour waiting for her and getting more and more uptight, I rang her office and she'd written down the wrong time in her diary. Luckily she was able to come straight over and luckily Mamma G had been in the house with me. I just hate lateness and the panicky feeling hasn't died down all day. So I'm grumpy and need Andy cuddles, but he's at an allotment committee meeting and so it's just me and you (Maggie is comfty with her Nana downstairs).

******

Prepare yourself for some devilishly clever play on words......
After months of going through a particularly awful and serious depression low I finally have some good news. My photography (developments - eh, get it?!)  has been accepted by a lovely gallery here in Co. Antrim and I am to hand in my first batch next week. The owners are absolutely lovely and both creative and artistic people. David is a stained glass specialist who has done churches, homes and our very own Stormont Castle - a large piece to commemorate the setting up of the offices of First and Deputy First Ministers. Stunning - see their studio here.

On top of that news, all our seedlings are just so excited to be growing (I imagine them having parties at night and being very rowdy - but I'm just mental). I must point out however that I have planted only some broad beans and sweet peas, Andrew has done EVERYTHING else and boy has there been a lot of it. Below are a few photos of the seedlings in the cold frames at the lottie but there are the same amount again on Mamma G's window sills and really goodness knows how many he had planted directly.

I haven't been down at the lottie except for about half an hour last week - my passion for life in general has dwindled and I am finding it more and more difficult to socialise or get things done.

Not quite back on my feet again and writing this is like pulling teeth, so I'm off to have another nap and then tomorrow I shall return with avengance. Hear me roar!!!! My heartiest wish is that you had a lovely Easter; I shall catch up on all the Easter-y posts later on tonight, thank you for you're Eastery wishes to me by the way x. Andrew and I went to Rowallane gardens and I'll hoke out some snaps from that day - it was lovely and Maggie had a whale of a time with all the the other dogs and sweet kids that wanted to play with her.

I WILL be cheerer tomorrow, promise x

OMG I am so far behind!

Normal operations will resume say, on Wednesday when Andrew goes back to work. It has been a super duper, jumbo, huge, extra extra large sized, monumentally terrible week.

I have been neglecting my Allotment, my blogs, my camera and you my ever lovey readers and fellow bloggers. Humbly, I sit on the floor before you, top button of my jeans undone (Easter egg - yummm) and wish you a Happy Easter break. May it be filled with chocolate, good food, a bit of sunshine, family (though not too much of that, let's face it, they drive you mad) and friends. Sleep in, watch old movies in your pjs when it's pouring outside and try do some gardening.

Loads of love, as always xxx

Bloomin' Monday/ Bloomin' Malvern!

After a mixed bag of a weekend, here I find myself back at another Monday - where is the time going? It's nearly April but I'm having trouble believing we are out of Feburary yet. The weather was gloriously spring-like on Saturday and today we're being warned about snow again, possibly for the whole week ahead I feel very mixed up. Really I ought to migrate every year, just follow the sun; birds may have small brains but I think they've got to be the most savvy little creatures out there.

Here are my most beautiful 'Bloomin Monday' flowers yet (in my opinion). A deep firey red Tulip with a cream/yellow, slighty ruffled edge and the darkest purple stamens - Fab. This photo doesn't do them justice, I'll maybe change it later...

Plus......

Check me out - Guest post on Meet at Malvern today! *blushes with pride* I did tell you I'm going to the Malvern Spring Show didn't I!??? I can't wait, you can check it all out at above site, beautifully run by VP and The Patient Gardener.

And thank you for all the comments on the last bloggette, I'll get back to you later on xxx (and I went to the Zoo - yippeee)

I think I may explode...

..only I'd have to squealsh myself back together and clean up the mess so what's the point in that???

First off I am so full of tablets I swear, if you shook  me, I would rattle! I have my usual anti-depressants, blood pressure tabs, Valium AND now cold & flu tablets oh, and a throat lozenge too. Arrggghh! The weather is horrible and because of my temperature I can't get myself comfortable - either roasting or freezing. Looking out the Velux window all I can see is white sky and it's giving me a migraine but I haven't anyone to shake my fist at for this (it would make me feel better to have someone to blame you see), so I'm having to store my anger up in my body until the evening news were I shall shake my fist liberally at the weather girl and may even curse!! (It's ok, she won't hear me).

So my dears what are we going to do about it al?l.....well I propse sticking my fingers in my ears, humming a song and looking at happy photos until the dark times pass. Please, do join me.....

Maggie is back to herself after that nasty tummy virus, horrah!

Rhubarb is growing well this year (licks lips) yummm

Promise of loads more lovely bulbs, exciting cause we can't remember what we put in here ;)

We had our 1st lollypop day of the year last Saturday! Summer is on it's way.

Andrew picked me one of our tete-a-tete's last night - they are such happy flowers and smell delicious.

Hugs to you all, may you have a lovely weekend! I'm hoping to go to the zoo if the weather is okay, yippppeeee!

Hello, my name is Andrew and, well,...

"...erm, I'm addicted to seeds..."

*********

We have pretty much a 100% seed germination going on here, it is truly fabulous. In fact I worry, Andy has become a self confessed seed-aholic though I think acceptance is the first step towards recovery :) Look at his collection - and that's not all of it!!

You can't see the full depth of the 'problem' here but this is a pretty big box, deep too and it has been further bulked out since this photo was taken.There are 2 packets sitting beside me as I write and I dared to touch them last night -"I have a system!", eek. You see, Andy likes the odd gardening magazine (evil*) and they speak to him of such wonderful things to grow, they give free seeds often too and maybe the odd recipe - which looks fab. Then there is the gauntlet he must run from his office in Belfast to the sandwhich place - Pound shops and second hand books jump out at him showing off their wares (and at such good prices, oh my). How is a boy to resist???

On top of that, he is just plain in love with growing stuff, especially stuff you can eat. He loves to cook (and is darn good at it too, unlike me...), so these seeds = lovely, interesting dinners. I love him for loving gardening so much. Yes it can be annoying when we have 3 types of beetroot sprouting at the same time, but they are all different.

Well I decided at the start of this post that it was an intervention - saving himself from himself but really, now I think about it; it makes him happy and I do like baking and we did get lovely new books at christmas about perserving and pickling so.... :)

Here he is in his element, outdoors and in. Honey, you are a seed-aholic and I love you xx

*(the evilness of gardening magazines is still to be confirmed)

The Exorcist

Extract from 'The Exorcist' by William Peter Blatty

'The sun sinks to rise again; the day is swallowed up in the gloom of night, to be born out of it, as fresh as if it had never been quenched. Spring passes into summer, and through summer and autumn into winter, only the more surlely, by its own ultimate return, to triumph over that grave towards which it resolutely hastened from its first hour. We morn the blossoms of May because they are to wither; but we know that May is one day to have its revenge upon November, by the revolution of that solemn circle which never stops - which teaches us in our height of hope, ever to be sober, and in our depth of desolation, never to despair.'

This quote gets me through some tough times and boy am I going through them at the moment. I feel I am taking a tentative step forward and then staggering back 10 and landing on my arse. Yet, still I fight, still I get up with a new day and tickle Maggie, write my blog and work on my photographs and crafts (useless though it may be in grand scale of life). Everyday I fight, everyday I am that seedling struggling for the light, the forgotten plant in the corner that might just look after itself, the tatty one with the discoloured leaves that sometimes surprises you with a flush of shy, humble, petite flowers.

I want to be excited, I want the joy of Spring to enter into my life but it isn't happening as much as I will it. Look at this utterly adorable little face and what do you see??? I see the world mocking me, getting on with life as I stagnate.

Sorry to be a grump, but I need to write this out as well as ride it out. Tomorrow I shall speak of Andy and his little problem ;) that may cheer you up.... x

A great big bear hug of a thank you

I am feeling a good bit better today, lost the rest of Saturday, all Sunday and yesterday (bar a period between 7pm-1am where I was wide awake).  I have had little rest bites in which I read your comments and I must say - kindness heals, so many lovely people and some that I have never heard of before, giving me support and comfort. I thank you all.

So I shall have to ask Andy what happened this weekend at the lottie and what seeds he planted whilst I was in my stupor. I'm pretty sure I missed a lot! Plus I am writing this on my brand new super duper laptop onto which I haven't loaded the hardware for my camera or any old photos yet, eek! So I'm off to pilfer one from clip art that looks all spring like and lovely and between you and me, we'll pretend I took it down the allotment :)

my doesn't the lottie look big from this angle?? ;)

I hope you are all well and feeling happy. I am just so glad to have gotten over the 'blip' and to have the cold instead - give me a cough, sore throat, runny nose and temperture any day over that!! Hopefully I shall resume normal blogging activites tomorrow. Love and thanks to my readers xxxxxxxxxxxxx

when things go tits up

It seems I'm looking for answers to questions I can't ask. I am slowly tearing myself apart and no amount of trying to put on a brave face or ecotherapy is going to help. I have to accept it, at this point in my life I am still somehow up that creek without a paddle and I'm scared.

Pains in my chest today put stop to my lottie activites. I wasn't standing too well on my own feet at the nursery where we'd gone to get compost, the pain was bad and Andrew had to lead me out to the car. I tried for a while to just be there, sitting on a bench once we drove down to the plots but in the end even that got too much. I had to come home and even though I have taken sedatives - 2 types, my brain will not stop churning around like a possessed cement mixer and my chest still aches, as does my head, shoulders and back.

There is only so much dreaming a girl can do. Then it hits with a mighty 'whack' across the face - your life is never going to be how you would like it. My mind is seemingly pre-occupied with the past which I can't change and worrying about the future which could never be certain for anyone, ever. I can't be in the moment, even though, as is clear, I know I should be, though even that is not advised by my Dr - reality is a but much for me at the moment [confused? I know I am]. I feel like running away but I can't escape from myself.

Everything has gone tits up and I repeat : I. am. scared.
I know some of you will not like hearing me say that, I give the impression that I am coping and 'look at me- if I can do it so can you', but be gentle, we all have our weak moments [but I still have the balls to share mine].