'I write because I can not speak the words I wish to; I garden to be close to nature and feel Her nourish me; I take photographs as a form of mediation.'It's been bothering me ever since and I shall tell you why.
I haven't been to the allotment for quite a few days now, I haven't even wanted to go and I most certainly have not repeated that glorious lone walk there and back which I was so proud of. No, I have been ill with an infection for which I am now on my 2nd course of antibiotics and though the infection is bad, the side effects are worse. I was having migraines and nausea with the first lot which was bad enough, this batch is giving me headaches, nausea, blurry vision and dizziness - hoorah, what fun!!
Thing is, when I am physically sick it seems legitimate to be at home, to be maudlin and lethargic, to not do much. But I don't allow myself the same grace when it comes to the fact that I have a permanent mental illness and permanent double vision - oh no, that's completely different. So the past week as I have sat here feeling 'really' ill, the pressure to be at the allotment and work hard (too hard as usual) hasn't been as strong and you know what? The world hasn't stopped revolving, plants continue to grow without me worrying; the lottie will be there when I am ready to go back to her.
I need to give myself a break and not just for now; a fundamental change is needed in how I think about life, about myself. '...I garden to be close to nature and feel Her nourish me...' How can she help me as she so desperately wants to if I refuse to listen? How can see hold me in her arms if I am frantically trying to do so many things? How can she nourish me if all I do is worry and panic until I am sick in the stomach?
I am reminded of a little saying that was prominent in my upbringing but never struck the right chord until today and maybe it will strike a chord with you too -
'Don't worry, don't hurry, don't forget to stop and smell the flowers'
|all from my lottie - what gifts she provides.|