I've been thinking about writing this post all day. And now I've got here and the words won't come. Oh I could talk a load of nonsense and spin a great yarn - I'm from Ireland for goodness sake. But I don't want to do that, I have to write from the heart, like I always do.
So what's the problem? Well, I've been excited about telling you all about last night because last night I felt good and I was at the allotment and that made me feel even better. So = what this blog is all about, right?! Yeah, but today is a different story, I thought I was doing okay, I'd only had one panic attack and it was 4pm but then as I was getting out of the shower and coming here to write to you, I took another one, to be honest I am in it right now.
I am scared, my nose is itchy with those tears that want to come, I am biting my lip, I can't breathe well, I daren't be seen by anyone as I am ashamed and I want to cry and scream but by god I will not let myself cause I am going to write my way out of this (with meds).
So let's get comfy, open that chest and remember that this is going to pass. How are you feeling right now? Okay I hope, breathing deeply........... I need a minute. Sorry, a flurry of activity from the builders packing up for the day, I couldn't bare the noise, last straw
Last night then and I am calmer now.
I picked an area, I got stuck in and I kept my head down. I worked hard, felt muscles working that had been on holiday for a while and got a cold bum; my jeans were low, the t-shirt riding up as I was working on my hunkers. Yes two boys were watching my bum in all it's glory - let's get the shame out there and disperse it. Here is my corner of the plot before and after ~
So over all, it's looking like a plot again, all those other 8 lavenders died that where in the bed-end planting pockets; it was the frost. The other plot is a little behind but by gum we'll get there! (I never actually say 'by gum' but I do write it, odd...)
Anyway that is enough for one or maybe even two days. I'm not going tonight, I've already decided I just can't afford to rock the boat. Last night and the big hugs and twirls and falling on the grass in Andrew's arms (because he was so proud of me), are moments I want to savour in my heart and I feel if I went tonight it wouldn't end so well. So yoga for me in the house - kicking Andrew out to plant more delicious food :)
And just to rub it in I have been having the breakfast of Champions the past 2 days ~ unsweetened Swiss Style Muesli with home made Rhubarb and Stem Ginger Compote!!!
Hugs + thanks for helping through the panic xx