Thursday, 21 April 2011

From the heart

I've been thinking about writing this post all day. And now I've got here and the words won't come. Oh I could talk a load of nonsense and spin a great yarn - I'm from Ireland for goodness sake. But I don't want to do that, I have to write from the heart, like I always do.

So what's the problem? Well, I've been excited about telling you all about last night because last night I felt good and I was at the allotment and that made me feel even better. So = what this blog is all about, right?! Yeah, but today is a different story, I thought I was doing okay, I'd only had one panic attack and it was 4pm but then as I was getting out of the shower and coming here to write to you, I took another one, to be honest I am in it right now.

I am scared, my nose is itchy with those tears that want to come, I am biting my lip, I can't breathe well, I daren't be seen by anyone as I am ashamed and I want to cry and scream but by god I will not let myself cause I am going to write my way out of this (with meds).

So let's get comfy, open that chest and remember that this is going to pass. How are you feeling right now? Okay I hope, breathing deeply........... I need a minute. Sorry, a flurry of activity from the builders packing up for the day, I couldn't bare the noise, last straw

Last night then and I am calmer now.

I picked an area, I got stuck in and I kept my head down. I worked hard, felt muscles working that had been on holiday for a while and got a cold bum; my jeans were low, the t-shirt riding up as I was working on my hunkers. Yes two boys were watching my bum in all it's glory - let's get the shame out there and disperse it. Here is my corner of the plot before and after ~













Yep, the hayfever season is certainly starting and though I haven't taken any tablets yet I really should have because I am sitting here sneezy and with little hives on my arm, and itchy face oh and that horrible itchy roof of the month thing too. Plus is it just me or have the slugs in your area being taken steroids or something - they're HUGE! Lucky I was in a good mood and just flung them as hard as I could over to the hedgerow, I can not bare to squish a slug.
 








My super duper tiny alpines are coming out look - wow what a scary giant man! :)
The air was lovely there last night, the plots got quieter once the kids (and their parents!) went home and I saw a lottie friend for the first time in ages - so it was all good. I didn't panic once even when 2 new people arrived and were talking to Andrew; even when Andrew dandered off to see someone's fruit cage (the talk of the field) and I was left alone. I was okay :) I even would go as far as to say, I was feeling GOOD :)

So many seedlings, blossoms, new growth and freshly weeded beds. The smell of water on the soil as new seeds were planted and hope was born  - best wishes little Parsnip seeds 'Gladiator', little Celeriac seeds 'Prague Giant' (again) and Purple Sprouting Broccoli (I hope we get to eat you next year, the few paltry pieces we shared this year after the pigeons did their work has made me want you even more!!!)

So over all, it's looking like a plot again, all those other 8 lavenders died that where in the bed-end planting pockets; it was the frost. The other plot is a little behind but by gum we'll get there! (I never actually say 'by gum' but I do write it, odd...)

Anyway that is enough for one or maybe even two days. I'm not going tonight, I've already decided I just can't afford to rock the boat. Last night and the big hugs and twirls and falling on the grass in Andrew's arms (because he was so proud of me), are moments I want to savour in my heart and I feel if I went tonight it wouldn't end so well. So yoga for me in the house - kicking Andrew out to plant more delicious food :)

And just to rub it in I have been having the breakfast of Champions the past 2 days ~ unsweetened Swiss Style Muesli with home made Rhubarb and Stem Ginger Compote!!!

Hugs + thanks for helping through the panic  xx

11 comments:

  1. So now it's not builders bum but allotmenteers bum is it?

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  2. hahahahaha - more like the bum of shame *blush*

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  3. I got a sunburnt builders bum last year - I have been very careful in my choice of T-shirt these past few days I can tell you.
    Glad you had a lovely twirly time. It's memories like that that make the allotment such a great place.

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  4. You've got lots of work done by the looks of it. Happy Easter!

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  5. Great job, Carrie! And such beautiful memories!!! You're a tough girl, thank you for sharing the happy and not-so-happy moments!
    xoxo

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  6. We'll hang on to, no make that cradle in our hands like a baby bird - the memory of a GOOD evening. And that baby bird is, by GUM, going to grow, little by little, stronger and stronger ...

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  7. This post started by worrying me but thankfully ended up with me laughing out loud.
    It's a busy time of year but all our hard work is well worth it later on.
    Take care, Flighty xx

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  8. Hugs x x x i find diversion the best cure too :) lotty is looking good gal enjoy your easter weekend x x x

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  9. All those lovely seeds in the ground too, scary and exciting. The work on the plot looks beautiful, and you should be proud all that you do out there. Hope you enjoy the spring more and more.

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  10. Growing PSB is always worth it in my mind. I spend 10 months of the year fending off slugs, pigeons, caterpillars (and dogs!) but it is all worth it in the end. Hope yours is better next year.
    ... Did you get right down lying on the soil to get that picture of the alpine flower and the scarey man?

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  11. Darling, your plot looks wonderful, and I'm so glad to hear of that one, GOOD night, the moments of laughter and pleasure and getting your hands in the soil. Yes, let's savor it, remember it, hold onto it in the moments that are not so good. You have a huge hug from me, Carrie. I know it's got to be hell, the hayfever and panic attacks combined. But -- namaste, dear one. I see the Divine in you all the time, shining no matter what.

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