Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Eden

The hinges are going to snap on my laptop someday or maybe it'll protest at me by just staying firmly shut ~ i have been on and off the internet, well, over a dozen times today trying to find comfort, trying to connect...each time i snap it shut, angry that no one has written something for me at a time of need, angry at my utter loneliness, angry that this is where I turn to for help,  angry....

So instead I write - for me, for you if you too are having one of those days where you just can't think straight, were there are too many things going on in your head at once, were there is a bloomin' big cement mixer truck outside your house driving you mad with it's noise and the fact that now it's leaving, there is a huge delivery truck coming up this tiny street to take it's place.
Did you know i literally live in Eden?  I also have a copy of the book 'Paradise' (by Toni Morrison) on  my stunning up-cycled coffee table; when I went to turn the heating off there I heard bird song over the builders generator and saw a few indistinct fellows flying way up high in the sky - where were they going? I came back in here, tickled a sleeping Maggie on the way past and looked at my Christmas tree and the space on the sofa that Andrew should be in (if I had my way). Wrapped up in my favourite blanket Andrew calls me and tells me about his day at work so far and I go on a little walk with him in Belfast as he danders over to the photography shop where I get my prints done. He can tell I'm really ill and is going to try and finish up at the office a little early - just having him near me will really help (though I didn't tell him that - I was all, 'no, no I'm okay..').


I fell asleep in the end reading, I had decided this was a load of stupidity and it wasn't fair using my blog to dump my problems on the world. I have half of another post started - actually grow our own food related :) I'll try and post it later with photos, once I've had something to eat, spoken to Andrew in the flesh and hopefully wised up a bit. But again I am going to press that publish button because for me, selfish though it is, I need to speak out, I need to share my pain in order to lessen it, I need to feel like I'm here too - not always forgotten in the corner as I feel I deserve. I need to turn that anger into something else....

Hell, in the end at least there's a delete button.

12 comments:

  1. It's been one of those days as it's cold, damp and grey here today. A miserable day that has kept me at home mooching and sofa flying!
    Even the postman only bought me bills not cards, and the last of the dark chocolate biscuits are long gone!
    Take care, and stay warm, Flighty xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Flighty - not a biscuit in this house all day, is it any wonder we are in the dumps.. maybe a hug would help us both x

    ReplyDelete
  3. have you ever read Dr Suess' HJorton Hear a Who? you know..."we are here we are here!" and "a person's a person no matter how small"
    Anyway, I hear you, Carrie, loud and clear. I imagine you can feel pretty trapped sometimes, but this is the beauty of the blogging world. We are all so far away, yet somehow tied together.
    I hope your day gets better, quick.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You know I haven't read any of the famous Dr Suess - looks like he is a wise old, whatever he is :)
    Hugs galore to you xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. i'm having the same kind of day only on the other side of the globe......
    just sat down to my computer to find nothing as well...
    everyone is so busy this time of year...but i am like you - i need to hear from people....it is so important. so as i write this i am thinking of you and sending a big hug....
    let's both keep moving forward, shall we?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your new house - is surrounded by about to be 'new houses'? But one day you will have yer actual talk to them and look them in the eye neighbours ;>( At least you can switch us off when you have had enough of us ;>) Blogging is going quieter towards year end, but some of us will still be here. And all back in force next year. Show us another glimpse of the new house? Or what Andrew has been cooking for you?

    ReplyDelete
  7. love you Lettie xx

    Diane - yep more tasty food photos on there way! x

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hey Carrie,
    I was thinking about you today and wishing I had sent you a Chrismas card. Too late now for one to make it across the Atlantic on time but I wanted to make sure that you know how much I treasure our new 'pen-friendship'. Wishing you happier days and hopefully a wonderful Christmas with love and warmth and good company and of course, good food! Hang in there!
    xo Gina

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh Gina - I am exactly the same. I released that I had left it far to late :( Nevermind - extra love shall be included in the next letter xx

    ReplyDelete
  10. i am so glad you share your heart in this space carrie, it is beautiful the friendships, insights, connections... we have made through hearing others life stories. sending you lots of love and a big hug! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  11. It's your blog Carrie and you can write what you want on it and if it helps you in any way then so much the better! This time of year doesn't help, damp and miserable - soon be spring!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Carrie, you have a wonderful eye for capturing the beauty around you. I can't wait to get to know you more through your blog and photography. So glad Gardenmama introduced you!

    ReplyDelete

I love to have visitors but LOVE it even more when they leave a little nugget of happiness behind in the form of a comment. I thank you for taking the time to send a little joy my way xx

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...